The light at the end of the chemo tunnel gets slightly brighter every day. Deb's treatment on Thursday, the 22nd, will essentially be her 6th dose of the Taxol (and Herceptin). 6 more weeks of treatment after that. Then, a 1 month break to let her body recover before radiation therapy will begin. So we're starting to match these planned events with calendar dates and that's really a positive and exciting thing.
The weekly treatments have been taking a toll, but Deb is persisting as she only knows how to; like a champ. She's still more efficient and mindful all chem'ed out than I am just being me (no comments, peanut gallery - you know who you are...). Seriously, in the past 24 hours she's not only gone grocery shopping but also taken Ryan to music class, the mall, and whooped up some serious meat loaf. But, the thing is, I can see her "muscling through" a lot of activities...it's such an incredibly difficult thing to watch someone you love be in pain and not be able to do anything about it...The point is, Deb's feeling crummy (that's the polite way to say it). BUT, while feeling crummy, she's totally managing. The new "normal" continues...
Honestly, one of, if not the most difficult decisions of our life (and we've had some difficult ones) was to find a new home for Jojo. It was becoming increasingly obvious that we weren't able to give Jojo the positive attention and training she deserves. I still can't really believe all that's transpired in the past few days. The bottom line though is Jojo went to live with a family with another little whipper-snapper dog (Benny the mini Aussie Shepherd) and a couple kids (4 & 7). These folks will be able to give Jojo the exercise and love and attention that we're unable to provide for her right now. Watching Benny and Jojo running in circles and playing I could tell that they'll be happy together. I think Jojo will be a happier (and better behaving) dog being able to play with another dog of her size and excitement level every day and to not be in a house that's unfortunately more stressful than we'd like most of the time.
But we're not all gray clouds and slush puddles...in fact, the weather here's been incredible (duh, right? who doesn't expect to go to the beach in January?) and that's helping us to stay on the bright side of the street (of course it's raining tonight, but we can actually use it). Ryan's vocabulary is exploding and she continues to display great resilience despite all of the changes going on around her. Frequently asking "what's this?" and replying with "Ohhh..." - it's pretty cool watching her soak in the world around her. She does know Jojo went to live with another family, and I think she's sad, but also glad that her toys won't be getting chewed by anyone besides herself. Ryan and "Nini" have formed an incredibly special bond (held together with chocolate milk and Barney/Caillou/whatever). But seriously, there are times when it's Nini or nothing and I know I speak for Deb when I say just how grateful we are for Deb's mom for so many reasons. What else? Ryan's got Music Together class happening and is in gymnastics...both of which are proven good times. We've been talking about getting back in the pool and doing some swimming lessons. Oh yeah, she's started making pizzas now too; with some help from mama...but that's fun to watch her and Deb in aprons rolling out the dough and putting on the sauce; it's like a restaurant where you make your own pizza - only it's not a restaurant, it's your house. Pizza with corn & chicken!?! What a country.
The house is eerily quiet now. It's kind of nice, but mostly it's just odd and weird (cause there's a big difference between the two). I'm sure what we've done is the right thing, but once again the right thing is certainly not the easy thing (what's up with that?). The Dumbledore "dark and difficult times" quote keeps coming to mind. But so do others like "where there is love, there is hope". The love and hope we have will get us through these dark and difficult times, of that I am sure.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Thursday, January 1, 2009
A Happier New Year...
I know it's been a while since I blogged but I've found having cancer and taking care of a 2 year old to be pretty darn time-consuming, so I don't make it onto the computer much. And I know I don't always return phone calls or emails in a timely manner, but what can I say? Once a lagger, always a lagger. Please know it's not personal, just chalk it up to me not feeling very social, and very tired. I suspect you all will likely wave away my apologies but I am sorry, and I'll try to get a little better communication-wise in 09.
So, the last month or so has been rough. My last treatment (which was also my first treatment with the second round of chemo drugs) was really hard. It was A LOT different than what I was getting used to, and I have to be honest here, I was spooked before I even got the treatment. I was wallowing pretty deeply in my fear and having a really tough time keeping my chin up. I think my attitude infected Howie and Ryan as well because we had a few days and nights that I don't care to recall, much less rehash. Having said that though, I feel like I/we have gotten over the fear-hump and have started to move back towards the light. Ringing in a new year has helped me realize that I don't want to spend my time or energy fearing for my life, and that I want to spend the time I have-however long that is (and believe me, I hope it's a L O N G time), doing the things I love with the people I love. I mean, let's be real here...who knows how long any of us has really? So in the spirit of living, I've been trying to focus on doing things I love...seeing movies, listening to music, reading books, going to the beach, and trying to spend time w/friends and family etc. I'm still working on calling and emailing though. ;)
Otherwise, I feel OK right now. That is, other than feeling like I've got Swiss cheese for brains. I've been having a hard time recalling words in general, but especially in the middle of a conversation. Plus, the words I do come up with don't seem to accurately convey what it is I'm trying to say. Anyhow, being the talker I am, it's admittedly a bit frustrating. As for my body, well, it's sore and run-down and I feel every joint and muscle every time I move but it's not horrible anymore. We're thinking (and hoping) my next chemo treatment won't be as intense since it'll be a smaller dose. I really don't mean to complain, I guess I'm just trying to give a state of the union here. And just so everyone knows, my oncologist and I have decided that starting next week, I will begin weekly chemo treatments of the Taxol and Herceptin because researchers have found better success rates with doing weekly treatments (as opposed to having them every 3 weeks). I'm not sure how it's going to go...if I'm going to feel like crap for a few days, then ok for a few days, then crap again etc., etc. For 9 more weeks. Ugh. However, what got me really out of the dumps was actually getting my last chemo. While it hurt and sucked and was total crap, I felt like I was doing something about it, and being proactive is a positive force.
I know it's not always going to be this hard. I know I'm not the only person going through this, and I know that there is never a "good" time to get cancer. I just wish I didn't have to chase after a very active and determined 2 year old while battling this disease. And I know that it's probably unhealthy for me to wish for something that can't be changed but I'm still having some difficulty accepting this very altered reality that is my world right now. I also know that I am never going to know what it's like not to have cancer and a 2 year old. I just have to remind myself and really allow for the fact that I'm not going to be able to be the mom/wife/daughter/friend/sister/aunt I want to be right now. I'm working on getting over it, I promise. I suspect, when I go into remission that is, that I am going to constantly wonder if it's back. I worry about that but at the same time, I also have faith. Just as important as my faith is knowing that I have your encouragement, support, love and understanding no matter what. So, thank you for that and for being in my world. And as always, I have to end by saying thank for reading and commenting (or calling or emailing). I need and love you all very much. So cheers to all of you for a healthier, happier and hope-filled year. Let's hope 2009 will be a better year for all of us. Much love.
So, the last month or so has been rough. My last treatment (which was also my first treatment with the second round of chemo drugs) was really hard. It was A LOT different than what I was getting used to, and I have to be honest here, I was spooked before I even got the treatment. I was wallowing pretty deeply in my fear and having a really tough time keeping my chin up. I think my attitude infected Howie and Ryan as well because we had a few days and nights that I don't care to recall, much less rehash. Having said that though, I feel like I/we have gotten over the fear-hump and have started to move back towards the light. Ringing in a new year has helped me realize that I don't want to spend my time or energy fearing for my life, and that I want to spend the time I have-however long that is (and believe me, I hope it's a L O N G time), doing the things I love with the people I love. I mean, let's be real here...who knows how long any of us has really? So in the spirit of living, I've been trying to focus on doing things I love...seeing movies, listening to music, reading books, going to the beach, and trying to spend time w/friends and family etc. I'm still working on calling and emailing though. ;)
Otherwise, I feel OK right now. That is, other than feeling like I've got Swiss cheese for brains. I've been having a hard time recalling words in general, but especially in the middle of a conversation. Plus, the words I do come up with don't seem to accurately convey what it is I'm trying to say. Anyhow, being the talker I am, it's admittedly a bit frustrating. As for my body, well, it's sore and run-down and I feel every joint and muscle every time I move but it's not horrible anymore. We're thinking (and hoping) my next chemo treatment won't be as intense since it'll be a smaller dose. I really don't mean to complain, I guess I'm just trying to give a state of the union here. And just so everyone knows, my oncologist and I have decided that starting next week, I will begin weekly chemo treatments of the Taxol and Herceptin because researchers have found better success rates with doing weekly treatments (as opposed to having them every 3 weeks). I'm not sure how it's going to go...if I'm going to feel like crap for a few days, then ok for a few days, then crap again etc., etc. For 9 more weeks. Ugh. However, what got me really out of the dumps was actually getting my last chemo. While it hurt and sucked and was total crap, I felt like I was doing something about it, and being proactive is a positive force.
I know it's not always going to be this hard. I know I'm not the only person going through this, and I know that there is never a "good" time to get cancer. I just wish I didn't have to chase after a very active and determined 2 year old while battling this disease. And I know that it's probably unhealthy for me to wish for something that can't be changed but I'm still having some difficulty accepting this very altered reality that is my world right now. I also know that I am never going to know what it's like not to have cancer and a 2 year old. I just have to remind myself and really allow for the fact that I'm not going to be able to be the mom/wife/daughter/friend/sister/aunt I want to be right now. I'm working on getting over it, I promise. I suspect, when I go into remission that is, that I am going to constantly wonder if it's back. I worry about that but at the same time, I also have faith. Just as important as my faith is knowing that I have your encouragement, support, love and understanding no matter what. So, thank you for that and for being in my world. And as always, I have to end by saying thank for reading and commenting (or calling or emailing). I need and love you all very much. So cheers to all of you for a healthier, happier and hope-filled year. Let's hope 2009 will be a better year for all of us. Much love.
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