I need you all to know how thrilled I am that I only have 3 treatments left, I am. However, the excitement has been somewhat overshadowed by the crapiness, or as I like to call it, the "suck" that was the last month and a half. My friend Wendy has this theory that since, by this point, I've become so saturated with toxins, I'm not getting many good days. It's a good theory, and I love her for it but I think she was just being nice. I think I'm at least partly to blame-my attitude has been reprehensible. So, while some of you may be wondering why I need to place blame, it's because I'm feeling bitter and resentful, and while I know blaming something might not be helpful fighting cancer, it somehow does make me feel better. And I think I need to do it so it doesn't all get trapped inside me. It might be best to not publicize all this since it doesn't exactly show me in the best light, but you guys, all of you reading this, envelope my life and make it worth fighting for, so forgive me for making you have to see me like this. I share out of love people! Besides, a good friend once told me that "shit isn't always rainbows and fucking unicorns and sometimes the whole universe sucks" and how right he is.

Ok, having said (all of) that, I think I can also blame my bad attitude on the fact that I've been on steroids for the last 9 weeks and have been feeling like a crazy cracked-out "roid" bitch. I can blame it on the steady, toxic vibrational hum I feel. I can blame some of it on how my tummy has been on the fritz since this all started, or on how my muscles, joints and bones ache horribly, or on how very tired I am. I can attribute some of the blame to the fact that my menstrual cycle is all confused or on the fact that we had to give our dog away. I could blame it on the fact that it's hard to watch my husband have to be and feel so responsible and stretched so thin. I could blame it on the fact that another friend got diagnosed with cancer or on the horrible fact that my dear friend Josh died last month and I can't grieve properly because I've been so self-absorbed. I could blame it all on that, but there's even more to it. The thing is, I'm losing my patience with this process. And while my attitude has been downright shameful, I guess I come by it honestly as it stems from my disappointment over wishing I was better at this fight and the knowing that while I only have 3 chemo treatments to go, I am also facing radiation, 10 more months of hormone therapy, and a lifetime of cancer ghosts. And while I don't look or feel like myself, I do know that some of it is only temporary. Most of this is temporary. I think I need to say that out loud. I think I needed a reminder.


Thank you for letting me vent. I continue to be amazed that you’re all out there. And I continue to be amazed at the support we have received. I just read an email from a girl I went to nursery school with. I know cancer is an awkward thing to get back in touch over, but it means a great deal to me to have people reach out to me throughout this craziness...in spite of years or distance or whatever circumstances that led to falling out of touch. I guess you can chalk part of that up to the information age and the abilities we have to actually get in touch, but if having cancer has taught me anything, it's that people really and truly do care about each other, and that gives me hope. And hope, much like fear, anger or blame, can be a powerful thing for a girl in my situation. Please know that having people out there pulling for me genuinely helps me get through the day. And please know that I do know that I have a lot to live for. I will beat this, it's just sucking getting to the other side.