Tuesday AM Update...

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to post again. Recovery has been exhausting,a bit painful, and I've been heavily drugged for the past several days. Not all bad but needless to say, I've been a bit foggy so I haven't been spending much time on the computer. Plus, when you've got 3 drains sticking out of your chest, holding your arms out to type ain't all that comfortable.

Mentally I'm great. From the moment I woke up in the operating room and fully woke up in the recovery room I was smiling and touching (or really more like petting) people and thanking them for waking me up. I was just thrilled to have made it through the surgery. And I didn't think I was all that nervous to be going under but apparently my subconscious was reacting differently.

Emotionally I'm doing pretty well too. It's a weird thing to see giant divots or gaps in your chest where your breasts used to be but then again, I kinda knew what to expect having seen my mom after her mastectomies. I feel a lot worse for Howie and Ryan because let's face it, my body is drastically different and it's shocking to say the least.

Physically I'm getting better and less sore every day. The drugs help. I'm finding that I need to stay on top of them, especially the Valium (muscle relaxer) so that I'm not holding myself so tense. The Vicodin just kinda puts me in a perma-fog but that's ok too since I'm a happy foggy-drugged-girl. I'm a bit swollen and the drains kinda hurt but Wendy and I are getting pretty good at dressing changes, and we don't believe any of my incision and/or drain entries are infected. I have a post-op follow-up visit tomorrow.

The hardest part about all this has been how difficult it has been on Howie and Ryan. Ryan wants me to pick her up, and I'm just not physically able to do that, so that's been really hard on us both. Luckily we are well versed in the art of toddler distraction and I've been able (most of the time anyways) to just take her by the hand and lead her over to the couch, which she can climb up herself, and hold her up there. As for Howie, well, he wants to be able to do everything for me and be in 6 places at once...holding my hand, playing with Ryan, working, cooking, cleaning, folding the laundry, paying the bills etc., but there is only so much he can do and only so many places he can be at one time. Thank goodness for Wendy(a.k.a. Woo) stepping in. She honestly has been a godsend. There are only so many people you can ask to put their lives on hold for you and she has stepped up BIG-TIME. Plus, Ryan adores her. I don't know what we would have done w/o her.

It's been really hard not sleeping with Ryan. We've thrown so much at her these last few weeks and honestly, not only was I not ready to wean Ryan, I also wasn't ready to stop sleeping with her. We're a co-sleeping family but with the surgery, I couldn't risk having her flop onto my chest in the middle of the night so we've had to move her to another room. She's less than thrilled to say the least, and has been getting up extra early to rub it in. She is, for the most part, sleeping through the night but still getting up in the 5'o'clock hour so I'm not sure that counts. She's also more easily frustrated but that could be due to the fact that she's almost 2.

So, many of you have been asking what's next? Well, we're wondering the same thing. At this point we're hung up on the pathology. We have to wait to find out whether or not they got it all, and if not, how and when do we find out where else is has spread? Let's say they did get it all, well, then we'll need to figure out what further treatment I'll need. Given that the cancer did spread past the tumor, it's likely I'll need some chemo and possibly some radiation as well. If the cancer has spread past the lymph nodes, then we need to go look for it via cat scans, blood tests and more crappy doctor visits. So keep your fingers (and maybe some toes) crossed that they got it all. On the whole, I still feel good and positive and ready to take whatever comes next. I'm still not ready to leave my life and/or all of you. I want more time and more love and more life.

I also just need to say a G I A N T thank you to all my friends who have been dropping meals off for us. I can't tell you what a huge relief it is to not have to think about cooking and/or feeding my family right now. You all have gone above and beyond and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

So that's it for now. I'm going to go get dressed and go to the park with my daughter (and Wendy) and resume some semblance of a normal life. But if you think about it, while none of this is "normal," 1 in 8 women face this disease (and treatment) so I really do appreciate the fact that I am not alone in this. That and knowing all of you are out there and pulling for me. And I know I've said it before but it needs to be said again; I've never felt more loved or more supported. So thank you for reading this, for being there, and for all your love and support.

Love,
Deb