1 week, 4 days post chemo...

Hi All,

My last post was written the day after my first chemo was administered. I woke up that morning feeling really good, so good that I decided to get up before the sunrise (and before Howie & Ryan woke up), and take Jojo on a walk. While I was on my walk, I realized a few things...that I hadn't been able to take my dog on a walk for over a month, that I had been drugged for that entire time, and that it was Fall and soon to be October. It was kind of a wake-up call, and I realized that the pain meds haven't really been doing much for me other than making me feel really foggy and out of it. So I decided to stop taking them. The pain I'm still experiencing has to do with some minor fluid retention, and admittedly, the port still hurts some, but where it really hurts is in my muscles and nerves...the ones they had to cut through to get the breast tissue out. Their healing has been less than pleasant. I've been told by both my breast surgeon and the surgeon who installed the port that neither surgery should have been very painful, which always makes it worse when there is a lot of pain involved. It also makes me feel like I'm over-dramatizing everything, so yeah, a little resentment there. I also seem to have sustained some nerve damage in my right underarm (where the lymph nodes were removed) and though there is definitely still some pain, it's not nearly as intense as it was. I've been told that nerve pain usually gets better w/in a month or so or not at all. So I decided to live with the pain and see where that gets me. If I'm going to have pain no matter what, especially since the meds aren't working, what's the point of taking them?!? If the pain gets worse then there are other options; pain management clinics, higher dosages, etc., but we'll get to that only if we have to.

Anyhow, the Friday after chemo was the last day I felt really good. My oncologist says it was probably the steroids, time-released anti-nausea meds, and saline he gave me during the chemo injection. Well, those didn't last and on Sunday I woke up feeling like crap. I experienced the gauntlet of symptoms...everything from nausea, diarrhea, cramping, body aches and chills to simple, undeniable exhaustion. Oh, and I was due to get my period any day as well. Add to that the fact that Howie & Ryan both had bad colds, and that my dog was in heat and was driving us all a little crazy. Sunday was by far the worst day. Saturday hadn't been great, but it was tolerable. Monday was pretty crappy too but again, tolerable. I found that if I sat outside and/or rested in bed, I was ok. I couldn't focus to read or watch TV, I couldn't handle Ryan climbing on me, I definitely didn't want to eat and I couldn't talk on the phone and/or email. I just wanted to sit and breathe. One of those days I woke up angry. Angry at the gods/goddesses, angry at the timing, angry at cancer, and angry at the world. I haven't really had to "try" to be positive, I just kinda was by default and due to my nature, but I admit that if I hadn't had a good "break-down" session w/my mom and marathon phone sessions with Kath & Wendy, the anger might have swallowed me whole. I was frustrated at seeing Howie and Ryan struggle and not being able to help, I was frustrated over the timing of all this-not that there is ever a "convenient" time to get cancer but with a 2 yr old, puppy and a good life, I have been somewhat pissed off at the timing. So like me to get pissed off at the things I can't control! However, the silver lining is that by the next round of chemo, my doctor has a new pill to help bridge the gap between the time-released anti-nausea meds and when the chemo leaves my body and reeks havoc on my system. In addition to that, my dog will be out of heat, hopefully Ry & Howie won't be sick and I won't be getting my period. So I'm thinking next time might be a little easier. At least I hope so. And if it's not, I'll just keep repeating my new mantra, "the poison is working, the poison is working." ;)

By Tuesday I felt well enough to go to the park with Howie & Ryan but pretty much had to hang out under a tree and watch the entire time. I then came home and slept for 4 hours. Same thing on Wednesday. I kinda felt like I was getting over a bad flu. But by Wed night I felt better and managed to convince Howie to go back to work on Thursday since I had help from my mom and our neighbor Christina who watched Ry while I rested. On Friday I felt almost normal except I was still suffering from some bladder distress and cramping but by that night my appetite had returned and Howie and I actually got to go out to dinner while my mom watched Ryan. After subsisting on water, chicken soup (w/matzoh balls), rice, almonds, bananas and Honey Nut O's from Trader Joes, it was nice to eat some real food. It kinda felt like I was on my pregnancy diet again, the food had to be bland but pack a nutritional punch and I just had to pray that I'd be able to keep it down. My friend Sam made an interesting point...that I had a really crappy pregnancy but after those 9 mos, I/we got Ryan. After 6.5 mos of chemo, and another couple mos of radiation, I will get my life back. It was kind of an eye-opener for me when put in that perspective.

Speaking of eye-opening perspectives...I'm realizing this whole experience is a test and a lesson in tolerance. It's also testing my patience but on the plus side, I'm learning what my limitations are and learning to accept help. Not an easy thing when you are an utterly capable adult woman of the 21st century. As for all the help, I have been meaning to say something that has been on my mind and I just need you all to hear me out before dismissing it or chalking it up to "cancer." Here's the thing, I am utterly capable, I know that. You know that. But what you don't realize, or maybe you do, is how difficult it is for me to accept help. Being self-sufficient is extremely important to me. Raising my daughter the way Howie and I want is extremely important to us. When outside influences converge, it makes me feel somewhat out of control...not a feeling I'm familiar or comfortable with. Having said that, I need you to know that I KNOW we would not be able to fight this fight without all of your support, encouragement, meals, articles, comments, emails, cards, and general help. So while I want to be able to do it all myself, I can't and I know that but I feel somewhat ashamed that I haven't been able to thank you all individually for everything you have done, and you know who you are. I also feel like I have overlooked thanking some people and I feel like I'm losing not just my manners but my ability to express my sincere appreciation for the people in my life. I know I need to focus on myself right now and that my health is paramount but my family and my friends are what make my life worth living. So thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you all for being there for us. Thank you for the cards, the gifts, the emails, calls, articles sent, breast cancer walk involvement, encouragement, love and support. I could not do this without all of you and I know that. Thanks for helping me realize it. I love you all.