I know it's been a while since I blogged but I've found having cancer and taking care of a 2 year old to be pretty darn time-consuming, so I don't make it onto the computer much. And I know I don't always return phone calls or emails in a timely manner, but what can I say? Once a lagger, always a lagger. Please know it's not personal, just chalk it up to me not feeling very social, and very tired. I suspect you all will likely wave away my apologies but I am sorry, and I'll try to get a little better communication-wise in 09.
So, the last month or so has been rough. My last treatment (which was also my first treatment with the second round of chemo drugs) was really hard. It was A LOT different than what I was getting used to, and I have to be honest here, I was spooked before I even got the treatment. I was wallowing pretty deeply in my fear and having a really tough time keeping my chin up. I think my attitude infected Howie and Ryan as well because we had a few days and nights that I don't care to recall, much less rehash. Having said that though, I feel like I/we have gotten over the fear-hump and have started to move back towards the light. Ringing in a new year has helped me realize that I don't want to spend my time or energy fearing for my life, and that I want to spend the time I have-however long that is (and believe me, I hope it's a L O N G time), doing the things I love with the people I love. I mean, let's be real here...who knows how long any of us has really? So in the spirit of living, I've been trying to focus on doing things I love...seeing movies, listening to music, reading books, going to the beach, and trying to spend time w/friends and family etc. I'm still working on calling and emailing though. ;)
Otherwise, I feel OK right now. That is, other than feeling like I've got Swiss cheese for brains. I've been having a hard time recalling words in general, but especially in the middle of a conversation. Plus, the words I do come up with don't seem to accurately convey what it is I'm trying to say. Anyhow, being the talker I am, it's admittedly a bit frustrating. As for my body, well, it's sore and run-down and I feel every joint and muscle every time I move but it's not horrible anymore. We're thinking (and hoping) my next chemo treatment won't be as intense since it'll be a smaller dose. I really don't mean to complain, I guess I'm just trying to give a state of the union here. And just so everyone knows, my oncologist and I have decided that starting next week, I will begin weekly chemo treatments of the Taxol and Herceptin because researchers have found better success rates with doing weekly treatments (as opposed to having them every 3 weeks). I'm not sure how it's going to go...if I'm going to feel like crap for a few days, then ok for a few days, then crap again etc., etc. For 9 more weeks. Ugh. However, what got me really out of the dumps was actually getting my last chemo. While it hurt and sucked and was total crap, I felt like I was doing something about it, and being proactive is a positive force.
I know it's not always going to be this hard. I know I'm not the only person going through this, and I know that there is never a "good" time to get cancer. I just wish I didn't have to chase after a very active and determined 2 year old while battling this disease. And I know that it's probably unhealthy for me to wish for something that can't be changed but I'm still having some difficulty accepting this very altered reality that is my world right now. I also know that I am never going to know what it's like not to have cancer and a 2 year old. I just have to remind myself and really allow for the fact that I'm not going to be able to be the mom/wife/daughter/friend/sister/aunt I want to be right now. I'm working on getting over it, I promise. I suspect, when I go into remission that is, that I am going to constantly wonder if it's back. I worry about that but at the same time, I also have faith. Just as important as my faith is knowing that I have your encouragement, support, love and understanding no matter what. So, thank you for that and for being in my world. And as always, I have to end by saying thank for reading and commenting (or calling or emailing). I need and love you all very much. So cheers to all of you for a healthier, happier and hope-filled year. Let's hope 2009 will be a better year for all of us. Much love.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
18 comments:
I am so glad to hear that you got over the little (OK, great big) bump that you hit in December. Like I said before, please don't apologize for complaining or being angry. You have every right to do so, and we are here for you to complain to, scream to, cry to...whatever you need to do!
Much love to you three. And, as always, I am just a phone call away should you need anything!
love you deb
Thanks for letting us know whad be up w/you. You and yours are constantly on my mind and heart. I had been thinking about emailing you about any food deliveries but I felt like I was hounding you when you really didn't want to be social-not that I don't blame you one bit, I am not dealing w/cancer and I don't feel that social these days either. But we are all here for you and sending you millions of hugs.
Happy new year deb and the rest of the finfees,
Great to read the updates whenever they come, and hear your postiveness. Im sure it ain't easy. I had a great christmas with the family my niece and nephew are wonderfully amazing Im so in love with them, its hard to be away. Simone met the family the weekend after x-mas. It went really well, everyone got along quite fine. Finally seeing her eased everyone's over consernatation-i made that word up-. Im in minneapolis right now, Simone says Hi, and love. I'll be back in the cruz on monday, hope to see you soon. New year, new month, new week, new day, and on we go,
love, jrc
We love you Deb! We've missed you guys and hope we get to see you very soon. I'd type more but Emma is demanding that we go back to the blog and look at pictures of you.
T & E
Thinking about you guys everyday. Love from The Land of Nod.
Hey mama,
I live for your updates esp since I have been a bad example of a friend lately! But this is not about me it's about you, right? ;) Just wanted to wish you a Happy New Year mama and to Ryan and Howie and to your mama as well. I have said this before and will say it again, I so admire you, you are a hero to me and I look up to you for who you are. Lots of virtual hugs mama and I sure miss that active 2 year old of yours since Music Together has ended!
love,
Charissa, Cole and Ava
We love and miss you. We have faith in your strength.
Happy New Year Deb and family! We miss you guys so much. You are always on my mind and in my heart. Hoping to see you all again soon and wishing you a better year!
Loving you!
Judi, Mikayla and Cheyenne
Thinking of you everyday Deb and sending love. Thanks for the adorable photo. Miss you. <3 H & Gy
I've been waiting for an update from you! I can't imagine how hard this all is on you Deb. It doesn't sound like fun. I'm sending lots of love your way, to all of you! XO!! Sarah
Happy New Year is right --got your card! Way cute and you all look great!
No need to apologize for anything....we all think you're handling this better than to be expected. Hang in there...you WILL beat the beast! Love you all!
C & Fam
Sending you tons of hugs. We're thinking of you as you enter your next rounds of chemo, hoping that they are a little easier than the last one. I'm so inspired by your attitude, even when things are tough, and it sure sounds like this past few weeks have not been easy. Sending you many healing thoughts. We love you and miss you.
Love,
Carolyn, Daniel, Ruben, and Nathanael
What can I say girl, but that I love you- ok, add admire, appreciate, and generally wish to emulate you. I am so sorry this last bout was so tough, and am once again amazed at your willingness to keep showing up with such an amazing attitude.
It truly is a blessing to know you, my friend. Thank you for all of your grace.
As Jacqui said, we are just a phone call away- you are more than welcome to anything you need/want.
hi deb- so glad i caught up on your blog postings- i had my computer break down and was away from internet for a while. sending you love. parenting a 2 1/2 year old is so dang hard for me, i bet it is totally insanely hard for you keeping up with your little one amidst chemo treatments/ side effects. here's to an easier 2009! and a year of healing and recovery for you. love, fiona
My Dearest Deb,
I have tears in my eyes reading your blog. I did not know that you are battling cancer. My heart, love and prayers are with you. I know that it is hard at times to be strong but you must. You must stay positive and vision white light going through your body and burning away the cancer. You can beat this, I survived cancer 3 times. The fear, well it sometimes still creeps into my life and I feel down and depressed but I try really hard to push the thougts away and stay positive. Please call me at any time with any questions, thoughts or just for some understanding from someone who has experienced what you are going through. You are a strong and beautiful woman, and I know that you can kick this. You will be in my thoughts and prayers for a long time. I miss you alot and wish I could be there to give you the help that I know you need. Keep peace in your heart.
Love, Kathleen
Love You!
You are making it...It is a long road....but you can do it! Look how far you have come!!!
I think you are wonderful and one of the strongest people I know. I am honored to have a friend like you.
Just like the 1st time we met at The Greek - do you remember? "I didn't see you were right next to me, But I'm so glad you could make it. With you by my side, I might get back alive From my next vacation."
Everytime I hear it, I think a/b us and how we met for a reason. I am here for you, Howie, and Ryan. Here's to 2009!!!! All My Love!!
Happy 2009 Deb. You are a wonderful mother. Even when you are feeling like crap run over by a semi. Ryan and Howie know how much you love them and how hard you are fighting.
Here's to a better year.
Post a Comment