Radiation starts tomorrow...

Ryan is afraid of the big bad wolf. We're trying to teach her to be brave. It's a good lesson, and one I might do well to pay attention to. I guess you could say that I'm feeling pretty anxious about radiation starting tomorrow. It's just that the last week and a half has been really good...for me, for Ryan, and for Howie. I was starting to feel like myself again-or at least like I was on my way back. The last month or so of chemo worked me. I don't know that I could have taken much more, so it's good that it stopped when it did. In addition to all of the chemo side effects (or maybe due to the chemo side effects) I was just feeling so disconnected...from myself, my family, and all of you. I was angry and I was toxic. I guess I'm just not looking forward to feeling crappy again. I know that radiation is supposed to be a lot less invasive than chemo but I think, having really not felt well for the last 7+ months, and then catching a glimpse of what it feels like to feel normal, well I guess I'm just nervous. Albeit maybe unnecessarily so. I think going to the radiation "trial-run" on Friday spooked me. And now that it's the night before it's starting to sink in again. I'm doing my best to muster up some courage and be brave but admittedly doing so with difficulty. I have 5 and 1/2 weeks to wrap my head around this and get a firmer grip. Maybe I won't feel too bad. Maybe it'll pass quickly. Maybe I'll start taking more anti-anxiety meds.

On a brighter note, I've been told, by the few people I've talked to on the phone and seen in person, that I'm starting to sound like myself again. And I'll very quickly admit that the last week+ has been really good. I've been able to think straight, have energy to climb up play structures with Ryan, laugh, cook etc. I haven't felt this good for a long time. I've been spending a lot of time with Ryan. My mom had her hip replacement surgery on the 19th and was in the hospital and rehab facility all last week. She's back home now and is sore and hurting, but doing well. Anyhow, ever since I started chemo, my mom has been helping with Ryan in the mornings so I could sleep in and get as must rest as I needed. She's been a godsend, and absolutely necessary. Howie has been able to work from home when needed as well, and various friends (thank you-you know who you are) have pitched in throughout this whole ordeal. However, this last week was the first week I was an almost full-time parent again. My sister-in-law came out last weekend with my youngest nephew to help w/Ry while my mom was recovering (thank you Stacy) but she left Monday. Anyhow, I haven't been alone with Ryan for more than a few hours since September. But we did really well. Howie says Ryan is obviously happier to see me "back," I think so too.

I'm anxious to be done with all of this, I'm pretty tired of it. It will be good to be done. Until then, please keep me in your thoughts, send out some positive vibes and if you're so inclined, say a prayer for me. Just knowing you're reading this fills my eyes and touches my heart. Thank you all for being there for me and for my family.

Much Love,
Deb