Ryan is afraid of the big bad wolf. We're trying to teach her to be brave. It's a good lesson, and one I might do well to pay attention to. I guess you could say that I'm feeling pretty anxious about radiation starting tomorrow. It's just that the last week and a half has been really good...for me, for Ryan, and for Howie. I was starting to feel like myself again-or at least like I was on my way back. The last month or so of chemo worked me. I don't know that I could have taken much more, so it's good that it stopped when it did. In addition to all of the chemo side effects (or maybe due to the chemo side effects) I was just feeling so disconnected...from myself, my family, and all of you. I was angry and I was toxic. I guess I'm just not looking forward to feeling crappy again. I know that radiation is supposed to be a lot less invasive than chemo but I think, having really not felt well for the last 7+ months, and then catching a glimpse of what it feels like to feel normal, well I guess I'm just nervous. Albeit maybe unnecessarily so. I think going to the radiation "trial-run" on Friday spooked me. And now that it's the night before it's starting to sink in again. I'm doing my best to muster up some courage and be brave but admittedly doing so with difficulty. I have 5 and 1/2 weeks to wrap my head around this and get a firmer grip. Maybe I won't feel too bad. Maybe it'll pass quickly. Maybe I'll start taking more anti-anxiety meds.
On a brighter note, I've been told, by the few people I've talked to on the phone and seen in person, that I'm starting to sound like myself again. And I'll very quickly admit that the last week+ has been really good. I've been able to think straight, have energy to climb up play structures with Ryan, laugh, cook etc. I haven't felt this good for a long time. I've been spending a lot of time with Ryan. My mom had her hip replacement surgery on the 19th and was in the hospital and rehab facility all last week. She's back home now and is sore and hurting, but doing well. Anyhow, ever since I started chemo, my mom has been helping with Ryan in the mornings so I could sleep in and get as must rest as I needed. She's been a godsend, and absolutely necessary. Howie has been able to work from home when needed as well, and various friends (thank you-you know who you are) have pitched in throughout this whole ordeal. However, this last week was the first week I was an almost full-time parent again. My sister-in-law came out last weekend with my youngest nephew to help w/Ry while my mom was recovering (thank you Stacy) but she left Monday. Anyhow, I haven't been alone with Ryan for more than a few hours since September. But we did really well. Howie says Ryan is obviously happier to see me "back," I think so too.
I'm anxious to be done with all of this, I'm pretty tired of it. It will be good to be done. Until then, please keep me in your thoughts, send out some positive vibes and if you're so inclined, say a prayer for me. Just knowing you're reading this fills my eyes and touches my heart. Thank you all for being there for me and for my family.
Much Love,
Deb
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12 comments:
you are a TOTAL ROCKSTAR!!! WORK IT!
seriously, you are going to get through this and it may not be the most fun, but the fine wine of your life is deeper somehow. it is so good to hear that you had some fun moments and feel more like yourself. take a moment to remember this whenever you lose that feeling. remember how it sounds, feels, and is to feel like you and let it be the light at the end of the tunnel and whenever you need reminding reach out. i, for one, am always available at any time of day or night along with countless others that are fortunate enough to call you a friend. i love you to pieces, miranda
Good luck! You're gonna do great! Just keep in mind that it's NOT chemo. Definitely different but, overall, the effects shouldn't be as bad. And how fun was it to get a glimpse at feeling near-normal again?! See, the light IS at the end of the tunnel...you're gonna make it there! 5 1/2 weeks of radiation? It will fly with good days and bad days in between. Just remember when the going gets tough, you get tougher!
Know we're thinking of you in snowy, northern MN! Where's spring?!
Love you!
Chantel, Mike & kiddos
Hi Deb, Howie, and Ryan,
I was walking on the dog beach yesterday morning with the O'Dog thinking of you guys and all of us meeting down on the beach on nice evenings. I can't wait for us to get back to that. I miss you and think of you often.
You have been so brave through all of this and you have finished one huge terrible part so there is that to celebrate.
I will continue to think of you through the coming weeks and send you all the good vibes I've got. If you need me, call. As always.
I love you guys. Joy.
I am really hoping radiation is bearable for you. I'm really hoping that it goes by quickly. I saw you bouncing back from chemo so quickly last week and it was really nice to see you getting to be yourself again.
We love you guys!
T, E, & D
hey Deb! Sending out lots of "+" vibes for ya. Hopefully everything will go by quickly. wasnt it the radiation that turned Peter Parker into Spiderman? well since you are alreay a superhero of sorts, I suppose you don't have to go out and knit yourself some kind of crazy costume. (you could always borrow some of Howie's clothes if you wanted to go that route). :)
Get well soon Deb!
jordy
love hearing from you, been thinking of you guys lots lately. home stretch baby!! love, sarah
(w/ ayla in hand...)
You are so on your way to being done with this - you go girl! I am posting this and i know you have started radiation. Please send me an email if you get a chance and let me know what you think. I know you are going to do great!!
i am so happy to hear that you had some groove back in your step. i know ryan must enjoy that time - as much as you do!
Hang in there girl. We are all here supporting you and sending those positive vibes!
i love you and the whole family.
jennie
I'm so glad that you've been feeling better, you certainly seemed more like your jovial self last week! Radiation will be easier, it will be. Get through this and you can get through anything. Much love and prayers headed your way,
Brigette
BRAVE, STRONG, INSPIRING, that is what comes to my mind when I think of you. You've been through a lot, but you are almost there, so hang in there, and know that we are all around you when you need us, and we love you, and know that you are in our hearts, and we will send you lots of positive vibes.
Love you,
Noha and family
You have made it to the home stretch. You and Howie and Ryan have handled this so gracefully which is hard to do when you are mad as hell at what has happened.
You are strong and beautiful. Your body is working really hard even when you are sleeping so rest as much as you can with a 2 year old.
Love and hugs.
You rock, girl! Sending LOADS of prayers, blessings, and love your way. Even as I write this, I can feel your spirit. Hugs and kisses, Bing
Hey there....just checking in to see how things are going with radiation? We are so hoping it's better than chemo for you. I'm sure it presents it's own set of challenges but, you're forging ahead.
Just think of all the hurdles you've overcome since last August. You're a fighter, Deb, and you're gonna beat this beast!
That light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter. Hang tough. We're thinking of you in northern MN....where the snow is almost GONE! :)
Love ya!
C & Fam
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