Ryan is afraid of the big bad wolf. We're trying to teach her to be brave. It's a good lesson, and one I might do well to pay attention to. I guess you could say that I'm feeling pretty anxious about radiation starting tomorrow. It's just that the last week and a half has been really good...for me, for Ryan, and for Howie. I was starting to feel like myself again-or at least like I was on my way back. The last month or so of chemo worked me. I don't know that I could have taken much more, so it's good that it stopped when it did. In addition to all of the chemo side effects (or maybe due to the chemo side effects) I was just feeling so disconnected...from myself, my family, and all of you. I was angry and I was toxic. I guess I'm just not looking forward to feeling crappy again. I know that radiation is supposed to be a lot less invasive than chemo but I think, having really not felt well for the last 7+ months, and then catching a glimpse of what it feels like to feel normal, well I guess I'm just nervous. Albeit maybe unnecessarily so. I think going to the radiation "trial-run" on Friday spooked me. And now that it's the night before it's starting to sink in again. I'm doing my best to muster up some courage and be brave but admittedly doing so with difficulty. I have 5 and 1/2 weeks to wrap my head around this and get a firmer grip. Maybe I won't feel too bad. Maybe it'll pass quickly. Maybe I'll start taking more anti-anxiety meds.
On a brighter note, I've been told, by the few people I've talked to on the phone and seen in person, that I'm starting to sound like myself again. And I'll very quickly admit that the last week+ has been really good. I've been able to think straight, have energy to climb up play structures with Ryan, laugh, cook etc. I haven't felt this good for a long time. I've been spending a lot of time with Ryan. My mom had her hip replacement surgery on the 19th and was in the hospital and rehab facility all last week. She's back home now and is sore and hurting, but doing well. Anyhow, ever since I started chemo, my mom has been helping with Ryan in the mornings so I could sleep in and get as must rest as I needed. She's been a godsend, and absolutely necessary. Howie has been able to work from home when needed as well, and various friends (thank you-you know who you are) have pitched in throughout this whole ordeal. However, this last week was the first week I was an almost full-time parent again. My sister-in-law came out last weekend with my youngest nephew to help w/Ry while my mom was recovering (thank you Stacy) but she left Monday. Anyhow, I haven't been alone with Ryan for more than a few hours since September. But we did really well. Howie says Ryan is obviously happier to see me "back," I think so too.
I'm anxious to be done with all of this, I'm pretty tired of it. It will be good to be done. Until then, please keep me in your thoughts, send out some positive vibes and if you're so inclined, say a prayer for me. Just knowing you're reading this fills my eyes and touches my heart. Thank you all for being there for me and for my family.
Much Love,
Deb
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Really?
It's a Thursday night and all is relatively calm here on Pacheco Ave...
Deb is up putting Ryan to sleep and I'm on the couch with laptop on lap goofing off with my latest obsession - facebook...what a distraction that site is. That I was just sitting here joining the Winkelman Elementary School group made me realize something...I have some "free" time. What's that?
This past week has been rough, and continues to be a challenging time. But, frankly, we've been challenged a great deal lately, so that helps us with perspective. My wife, my love, my Deb is beginning to show long since seen signs of her past, pre-cancerous self. By that, what I mean, is just being able to laugh or relax a bit; if only a little.
Here's the deal; today being Thursday, for the past 12 weeks, every Thursday, Deb's gotten infused with the Taxol that makes her feel so crummy. Each week, and less so as the weeks progressed, she would almost regain her "self", just in time to go and get resaturated. That today is Thursday and she didn't get an infusion allows us- allows her -to begin to seriously recuperate. Her progress can be measured in wit, which I'm so glad to see returning. It's been really hard for Deb, and for me to watch, to not be able to find the words a lot of the time lately. Make no mistake, the chemo treatments are IN-TENSE. People will say something like, "I can't even imagine what it's like" and all I can think is, first "don't" and second, "I can't even explain"...it's survival mode - you do what you need to because it's all you can do. But still, I find myself saying the same types of things to friends in similar situations - and YES, it's unfortunate that not only is our family going through this, but our good friends Sarah, Dan and Marek are having to realize the the raw and relentless therapy that is chemo.
That's not to say that today was without reality in the form of a doctor visit...Today, Deb got a CT scan to map out the locations for her forthcoming radiation therapy. While both of us understand the road goes on forever, we're so extremely grateful to be beyond the chemo portion of the program.
Ok, I think that might be just about enough rambling from these fingers tonight. Once again, I want to thank you all and let you know how much we appreciate your concern, support and love. That's what it's all about (but don't tell Ryan, she's convinced the hokey pokey is what it's all about).
and for the record...this may very well be the most rambling and tangential post to date...but, if you can decipher through my Thursday night, panic-watching messaging, you'll find there are some quality tidbits of news and substance.
Deb is up putting Ryan to sleep and I'm on the couch with laptop on lap goofing off with my latest obsession - facebook...what a distraction that site is. That I was just sitting here joining the Winkelman Elementary School group made me realize something...I have some "free" time. What's that?
This past week has been rough, and continues to be a challenging time. But, frankly, we've been challenged a great deal lately, so that helps us with perspective. My wife, my love, my Deb is beginning to show long since seen signs of her past, pre-cancerous self. By that, what I mean, is just being able to laugh or relax a bit; if only a little.
Here's the deal; today being Thursday, for the past 12 weeks, every Thursday, Deb's gotten infused with the Taxol that makes her feel so crummy. Each week, and less so as the weeks progressed, she would almost regain her "self", just in time to go and get resaturated. That today is Thursday and she didn't get an infusion allows us- allows her -to begin to seriously recuperate. Her progress can be measured in wit, which I'm so glad to see returning. It's been really hard for Deb, and for me to watch, to not be able to find the words a lot of the time lately. Make no mistake, the chemo treatments are IN-TENSE. People will say something like, "I can't even imagine what it's like" and all I can think is, first "don't" and second, "I can't even explain"...it's survival mode - you do what you need to because it's all you can do. But still, I find myself saying the same types of things to friends in similar situations - and YES, it's unfortunate that not only is our family going through this, but our good friends Sarah, Dan and Marek are having to realize the the raw and relentless therapy that is chemo.
That's not to say that today was without reality in the form of a doctor visit...Today, Deb got a CT scan to map out the locations for her forthcoming radiation therapy. While both of us understand the road goes on forever, we're so extremely grateful to be beyond the chemo portion of the program.
Ok, I think that might be just about enough rambling from these fingers tonight. Once again, I want to thank you all and let you know how much we appreciate your concern, support and love. That's what it's all about (but don't tell Ryan, she's convinced the hokey pokey is what it's all about).
and for the record...this may very well be the most rambling and tangential post to date...but, if you can decipher through my Thursday night, panic-watching messaging, you'll find there are some quality tidbits of news and substance.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Seven Months and Four Days Later
Today is a milestone.
Sometimes it's a challenge to muster even a smile as an acknowledgment of a feat accomplished. That was the case today. While definitely (and don't underestimate the definitive qualities of that "definitely") relieved to be complete with the toxic infusion portion of the program, it's a bittersweet victory; if one could even call it that.
Doing what needs to be done has been the name of the game for more than a half dozen moons. The cumulative effects of everything (and don't underestimate the all-encompassingness of that "everything") has Deb (us all, really) craving, more than ever, the normal that once was - as if we were ever what anyone would consider "normal".
Enough pontification...here's the scoop:
Today, Deb got her final administration of Taxol. She's now been through 24 weeks of receiving chemo infusions. As the time has passed, we've adapted into this new normal, which consists of Deb resting A LOT, and Ryan spending more and more time with her Nini; and both of them are loving the opportunity to bond every morning and then some. All of that, combined with the winter rains have made for a rough bunch of weeks around here. I continue to tangent. Let me talk about Deb and her treatment; where it is and where it's going....
Next week she'll get a CT scan so they can map out the points to radiate. 2 weeks after that she'll begin radiation therapy. This is a really high powered, very focused laser kind of thing that blasts the specific area of the tumor and inflicted lymph nodes. It's like 10 minutes a day, every weekday for 5 1/2 weeks. The treatment is very different from the chemo therapy as the radiation is extremely localized; hence no full body pain/sickness. There are side effects however, which include skin burns or rashes,swelling, scar tissue, and continued exhaustion. I'm sure some of you (Jennie B) know WAY more about this than us, but that's the gist of it.
As for the residual effects of the chemo. The doctor this morning said that it's likely that Deb won't feel at full strength for some months yet, but it's a relief to know that as I type this we have no plans of infusing her with more toxic chemicals - just radioactive material...what a relief.
In addition to the radiation therapy, Deb will receive Herceptin, a hormone infusion, every 3 weeks for the next 10 months.
To sum up the past seven plus months, we've gone through biopsies, diagnosis, surgery, recovery from surgery and chemo. Still left to be done is radiate and hormonicize and live and love for years to come.
We're very much looking forward to a time when we're not feeling so stretched thin; physically, emotionally, financially...it's really affecting our lives through and through, and we're concerned (obviously) about how the ill effects of this is treating Ryan during this most developmental period of her childhood. It's the only life I know, I wouldn't trade it for anything - I love my daughter more than anything in this (or any other) world and it brings tears to my eyes that she has to see us being put through the most rigorous test of our lives. It's more frustrating than words can spell to watch your offspring watch you in what you can be certain is not your most flattering moment (after moment, after moment). I'm sure it's something all parents go through, as no life is without hurdles, but I can't help but be self-centered here - all about me, all about my family...hello?
I guess I should blog more and I wouldn't feel like I need to sit and tell you all every little thing that happened in the past however long it's been since I've posted. But frankly, free time is a luxury not known much around these parts lately.
We're exhausted, tired of this whole thing, but we're persisting and getting beyond every hurdle thrown at us. Deb made it through chemo so swiftly - never missing a treatment due to low levels; having horrifying side effects yes, but no hospitalizations...perspective is so key. And I'm trying with all of my might to put exhaustion and situational frustration aside and continue to maintain a positive outlook for many more happy years with my family. It's going to be really nice when the regular visits to the doctor are behind us and we can take a well needed vacation. Until then, I'll settle for the end of the winter rains - the hills are green and I'm ready to be spending more time outside without getting soaked.
So, with all that, I want to throw a big ol' jumbo hug out there to anyone putting their eyes on these words....We all love you so much, and love that you're out there thinking good, positive, healing vibes towards us. Thanks to each of you for your friendship and support always.
Sometimes it's a challenge to muster even a smile as an acknowledgment of a feat accomplished. That was the case today. While definitely (and don't underestimate the definitive qualities of that "definitely") relieved to be complete with the toxic infusion portion of the program, it's a bittersweet victory; if one could even call it that.
Doing what needs to be done has been the name of the game for more than a half dozen moons. The cumulative effects of everything (and don't underestimate the all-encompassingness of that "everything") has Deb (us all, really) craving, more than ever, the normal that once was - as if we were ever what anyone would consider "normal".
Enough pontification...here's the scoop:
Today, Deb got her final administration of Taxol. She's now been through 24 weeks of receiving chemo infusions. As the time has passed, we've adapted into this new normal, which consists of Deb resting A LOT, and Ryan spending more and more time with her Nini; and both of them are loving the opportunity to bond every morning and then some. All of that, combined with the winter rains have made for a rough bunch of weeks around here. I continue to tangent. Let me talk about Deb and her treatment; where it is and where it's going....
Next week she'll get a CT scan so they can map out the points to radiate. 2 weeks after that she'll begin radiation therapy. This is a really high powered, very focused laser kind of thing that blasts the specific area of the tumor and inflicted lymph nodes. It's like 10 minutes a day, every weekday for 5 1/2 weeks. The treatment is very different from the chemo therapy as the radiation is extremely localized; hence no full body pain/sickness. There are side effects however, which include skin burns or rashes,swelling, scar tissue, and continued exhaustion. I'm sure some of you (Jennie B) know WAY more about this than us, but that's the gist of it.
As for the residual effects of the chemo. The doctor this morning said that it's likely that Deb won't feel at full strength for some months yet, but it's a relief to know that as I type this we have no plans of infusing her with more toxic chemicals - just radioactive material...what a relief.
In addition to the radiation therapy, Deb will receive Herceptin, a hormone infusion, every 3 weeks for the next 10 months.
To sum up the past seven plus months, we've gone through biopsies, diagnosis, surgery, recovery from surgery and chemo. Still left to be done is radiate and hormonicize and live and love for years to come.
We're very much looking forward to a time when we're not feeling so stretched thin; physically, emotionally, financially...it's really affecting our lives through and through, and we're concerned (obviously) about how the ill effects of this is treating Ryan during this most developmental period of her childhood. It's the only life I know, I wouldn't trade it for anything - I love my daughter more than anything in this (or any other) world and it brings tears to my eyes that she has to see us being put through the most rigorous test of our lives. It's more frustrating than words can spell to watch your offspring watch you in what you can be certain is not your most flattering moment (after moment, after moment). I'm sure it's something all parents go through, as no life is without hurdles, but I can't help but be self-centered here - all about me, all about my family...hello?
I guess I should blog more and I wouldn't feel like I need to sit and tell you all every little thing that happened in the past however long it's been since I've posted. But frankly, free time is a luxury not known much around these parts lately.
We're exhausted, tired of this whole thing, but we're persisting and getting beyond every hurdle thrown at us. Deb made it through chemo so swiftly - never missing a treatment due to low levels; having horrifying side effects yes, but no hospitalizations...perspective is so key. And I'm trying with all of my might to put exhaustion and situational frustration aside and continue to maintain a positive outlook for many more happy years with my family. It's going to be really nice when the regular visits to the doctor are behind us and we can take a well needed vacation. Until then, I'll settle for the end of the winter rains - the hills are green and I'm ready to be spending more time outside without getting soaked.
So, with all that, I want to throw a big ol' jumbo hug out there to anyone putting their eyes on these words....We all love you so much, and love that you're out there thinking good, positive, healing vibes towards us. Thanks to each of you for your friendship and support always.
Monday, February 16, 2009
I need you all to know how thrilled I am that I only have 3 treatments left, I am. However, the excitement has been somewhat overshadowed by the crapiness, or as I like to call it, the "suck" that was the last month and a half. My friend Wendy has this theory that since, by this point, I've become so saturated with toxins, I'm not getting many good days. It's a good theory, and I love her for it but I think she was just being nice. I think I'm at least partly to blame-my attitude has been reprehensible. So, while some of you may be wondering why I need to place blame, it's because I'm feeling bitter and resentful, and while I know blaming something might not be helpful fighting cancer, it somehow does make me feel better. And I think I need to do it so it doesn't all get trapped inside me. It might be best to not publicize all this since it doesn't exactly show me in the best light, but you guys, all of you reading this, envelope my life and make it worth fighting for, so forgive me for making you have to see me like this. I share out of love people! Besides, a good friend once told me that "shit isn't always rainbows and fucking unicorns and sometimes the whole universe sucks" and how right he is.
Ok, having said (all of) that, I think I can also blame my bad attitude on the fact that I've been on steroids for the last 9 weeks and have been feeling like a crazy cracked-out "roid" bitch. I can blame it on the steady, toxic vibrational hum I feel. I can blame some of it on how my tummy has been on the fritz since this all started, or on how my muscles, joints and bones ache horribly, or on how very tired I am. I can attribute some of the blame to the fact that my menstrual cycle is all confused or on the fact that we had to give our dog away. I could blame it on the fact that it's hard to watch my husband have to be and feel so responsible and stretched so thin. I could blame it on the fact that another friend got diagnosed with cancer or on the horrible fact that my dear friend Josh died last month and I can't grieve properly because I've been so self-absorbed. I could blame it all on that, but there's even more to it. The thing is, I'm losing my patience with this process. And while my attitude has been downright shameful, I guess I come by it honestly as it stems from my disappointment over wishing I was better at this fight and the knowing that while I only have 3 chemo treatments to go, I am also facing radiation, 10 more months of hormone therapy, and a lifetime of cancer ghosts. And while I don't look or feel like myself, I do know that some of it is only temporary. Most of this is temporary. I think I need to say that out loud. I think I needed a reminder.
Thank you for letting me vent. I continue to be amazed that you’re all out there. And I continue to be amazed at the support we have received. I just read an email from a girl I went to nursery school with. I know cancer is an awkward thing to get back in touch over, but it means a great deal to me to have people reach out to me throughout this craziness...in spite of years or distance or whatever circumstances that led to falling out of touch. I guess you can chalk part of that up to the information age and the abilities we have to actually get in touch, but if having cancer has taught me anything, it's that people really and truly do care about each other, and that gives me hope. And hope, much like fear, anger or blame, can be a powerful thing for a girl in my situation. Please know that having people out there pulling for me genuinely helps me get through the day. And please know that I do know that I have a lot to live for. I will beat this, it's just sucking getting to the other side.
Ok, having said (all of) that, I think I can also blame my bad attitude on the fact that I've been on steroids for the last 9 weeks and have been feeling like a crazy cracked-out "roid" bitch. I can blame it on the steady, toxic vibrational hum I feel. I can blame some of it on how my tummy has been on the fritz since this all started, or on how my muscles, joints and bones ache horribly, or on how very tired I am. I can attribute some of the blame to the fact that my menstrual cycle is all confused or on the fact that we had to give our dog away. I could blame it on the fact that it's hard to watch my husband have to be and feel so responsible and stretched so thin. I could blame it on the fact that another friend got diagnosed with cancer or on the horrible fact that my dear friend Josh died last month and I can't grieve properly because I've been so self-absorbed. I could blame it all on that, but there's even more to it. The thing is, I'm losing my patience with this process. And while my attitude has been downright shameful, I guess I come by it honestly as it stems from my disappointment over wishing I was better at this fight and the knowing that while I only have 3 chemo treatments to go, I am also facing radiation, 10 more months of hormone therapy, and a lifetime of cancer ghosts. And while I don't look or feel like myself, I do know that some of it is only temporary. Most of this is temporary. I think I need to say that out loud. I think I needed a reminder.
Thank you for letting me vent. I continue to be amazed that you’re all out there. And I continue to be amazed at the support we have received. I just read an email from a girl I went to nursery school with. I know cancer is an awkward thing to get back in touch over, but it means a great deal to me to have people reach out to me throughout this craziness...in spite of years or distance or whatever circumstances that led to falling out of touch. I guess you can chalk part of that up to the information age and the abilities we have to actually get in touch, but if having cancer has taught me anything, it's that people really and truly do care about each other, and that gives me hope. And hope, much like fear, anger or blame, can be a powerful thing for a girl in my situation. Please know that having people out there pulling for me genuinely helps me get through the day. And please know that I do know that I have a lot to live for. I will beat this, it's just sucking getting to the other side.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Halfway through the 2nd half = 75%
The light at the end of the chemo tunnel gets slightly brighter every day. Deb's treatment on Thursday, the 22nd, will essentially be her 6th dose of the Taxol (and Herceptin). 6 more weeks of treatment after that. Then, a 1 month break to let her body recover before radiation therapy will begin. So we're starting to match these planned events with calendar dates and that's really a positive and exciting thing.
The weekly treatments have been taking a toll, but Deb is persisting as she only knows how to; like a champ. She's still more efficient and mindful all chem'ed out than I am just being me (no comments, peanut gallery - you know who you are...). Seriously, in the past 24 hours she's not only gone grocery shopping but also taken Ryan to music class, the mall, and whooped up some serious meat loaf. But, the thing is, I can see her "muscling through" a lot of activities...it's such an incredibly difficult thing to watch someone you love be in pain and not be able to do anything about it...The point is, Deb's feeling crummy (that's the polite way to say it). BUT, while feeling crummy, she's totally managing. The new "normal" continues...
Honestly, one of, if not the most difficult decisions of our life (and we've had some difficult ones) was to find a new home for Jojo. It was becoming increasingly obvious that we weren't able to give Jojo the positive attention and training she deserves. I still can't really believe all that's transpired in the past few days. The bottom line though is Jojo went to live with a family with another little whipper-snapper dog (Benny the mini Aussie Shepherd) and a couple kids (4 & 7). These folks will be able to give Jojo the exercise and love and attention that we're unable to provide for her right now. Watching Benny and Jojo running in circles and playing I could tell that they'll be happy together. I think Jojo will be a happier (and better behaving) dog being able to play with another dog of her size and excitement level every day and to not be in a house that's unfortunately more stressful than we'd like most of the time.
But we're not all gray clouds and slush puddles...in fact, the weather here's been incredible (duh, right? who doesn't expect to go to the beach in January?) and that's helping us to stay on the bright side of the street (of course it's raining tonight, but we can actually use it). Ryan's vocabulary is exploding and she continues to display great resilience despite all of the changes going on around her. Frequently asking "what's this?" and replying with "Ohhh..." - it's pretty cool watching her soak in the world around her. She does know Jojo went to live with another family, and I think she's sad, but also glad that her toys won't be getting chewed by anyone besides herself. Ryan and "Nini" have formed an incredibly special bond (held together with chocolate milk and Barney/Caillou/whatever). But seriously, there are times when it's Nini or nothing and I know I speak for Deb when I say just how grateful we are for Deb's mom for so many reasons. What else? Ryan's got Music Together class happening and is in gymnastics...both of which are proven good times. We've been talking about getting back in the pool and doing some swimming lessons. Oh yeah, she's started making pizzas now too; with some help from mama...but that's fun to watch her and Deb in aprons rolling out the dough and putting on the sauce; it's like a restaurant where you make your own pizza - only it's not a restaurant, it's your house. Pizza with corn & chicken!?! What a country.
The house is eerily quiet now. It's kind of nice, but mostly it's just odd and weird (cause there's a big difference between the two). I'm sure what we've done is the right thing, but once again the right thing is certainly not the easy thing (what's up with that?). The Dumbledore "dark and difficult times" quote keeps coming to mind. But so do others like "where there is love, there is hope". The love and hope we have will get us through these dark and difficult times, of that I am sure.
The weekly treatments have been taking a toll, but Deb is persisting as she only knows how to; like a champ. She's still more efficient and mindful all chem'ed out than I am just being me (no comments, peanut gallery - you know who you are...). Seriously, in the past 24 hours she's not only gone grocery shopping but also taken Ryan to music class, the mall, and whooped up some serious meat loaf. But, the thing is, I can see her "muscling through" a lot of activities...it's such an incredibly difficult thing to watch someone you love be in pain and not be able to do anything about it...The point is, Deb's feeling crummy (that's the polite way to say it). BUT, while feeling crummy, she's totally managing. The new "normal" continues...
Honestly, one of, if not the most difficult decisions of our life (and we've had some difficult ones) was to find a new home for Jojo. It was becoming increasingly obvious that we weren't able to give Jojo the positive attention and training she deserves. I still can't really believe all that's transpired in the past few days. The bottom line though is Jojo went to live with a family with another little whipper-snapper dog (Benny the mini Aussie Shepherd) and a couple kids (4 & 7). These folks will be able to give Jojo the exercise and love and attention that we're unable to provide for her right now. Watching Benny and Jojo running in circles and playing I could tell that they'll be happy together. I think Jojo will be a happier (and better behaving) dog being able to play with another dog of her size and excitement level every day and to not be in a house that's unfortunately more stressful than we'd like most of the time.
But we're not all gray clouds and slush puddles...in fact, the weather here's been incredible (duh, right? who doesn't expect to go to the beach in January?) and that's helping us to stay on the bright side of the street (of course it's raining tonight, but we can actually use it). Ryan's vocabulary is exploding and she continues to display great resilience despite all of the changes going on around her. Frequently asking "what's this?" and replying with "Ohhh..." - it's pretty cool watching her soak in the world around her. She does know Jojo went to live with another family, and I think she's sad, but also glad that her toys won't be getting chewed by anyone besides herself. Ryan and "Nini" have formed an incredibly special bond (held together with chocolate milk and Barney/Caillou/whatever). But seriously, there are times when it's Nini or nothing and I know I speak for Deb when I say just how grateful we are for Deb's mom for so many reasons. What else? Ryan's got Music Together class happening and is in gymnastics...both of which are proven good times. We've been talking about getting back in the pool and doing some swimming lessons. Oh yeah, she's started making pizzas now too; with some help from mama...but that's fun to watch her and Deb in aprons rolling out the dough and putting on the sauce; it's like a restaurant where you make your own pizza - only it's not a restaurant, it's your house. Pizza with corn & chicken!?! What a country.
The house is eerily quiet now. It's kind of nice, but mostly it's just odd and weird (cause there's a big difference between the two). I'm sure what we've done is the right thing, but once again the right thing is certainly not the easy thing (what's up with that?). The Dumbledore "dark and difficult times" quote keeps coming to mind. But so do others like "where there is love, there is hope". The love and hope we have will get us through these dark and difficult times, of that I am sure.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
A Happier New Year...
I know it's been a while since I blogged but I've found having cancer and taking care of a 2 year old to be pretty darn time-consuming, so I don't make it onto the computer much. And I know I don't always return phone calls or emails in a timely manner, but what can I say? Once a lagger, always a lagger. Please know it's not personal, just chalk it up to me not feeling very social, and very tired. I suspect you all will likely wave away my apologies but I am sorry, and I'll try to get a little better communication-wise in 09.
So, the last month or so has been rough. My last treatment (which was also my first treatment with the second round of chemo drugs) was really hard. It was A LOT different than what I was getting used to, and I have to be honest here, I was spooked before I even got the treatment. I was wallowing pretty deeply in my fear and having a really tough time keeping my chin up. I think my attitude infected Howie and Ryan as well because we had a few days and nights that I don't care to recall, much less rehash. Having said that though, I feel like I/we have gotten over the fear-hump and have started to move back towards the light. Ringing in a new year has helped me realize that I don't want to spend my time or energy fearing for my life, and that I want to spend the time I have-however long that is (and believe me, I hope it's a L O N G time), doing the things I love with the people I love. I mean, let's be real here...who knows how long any of us has really? So in the spirit of living, I've been trying to focus on doing things I love...seeing movies, listening to music, reading books, going to the beach, and trying to spend time w/friends and family etc. I'm still working on calling and emailing though. ;)
Otherwise, I feel OK right now. That is, other than feeling like I've got Swiss cheese for brains. I've been having a hard time recalling words in general, but especially in the middle of a conversation. Plus, the words I do come up with don't seem to accurately convey what it is I'm trying to say. Anyhow, being the talker I am, it's admittedly a bit frustrating. As for my body, well, it's sore and run-down and I feel every joint and muscle every time I move but it's not horrible anymore. We're thinking (and hoping) my next chemo treatment won't be as intense since it'll be a smaller dose. I really don't mean to complain, I guess I'm just trying to give a state of the union here. And just so everyone knows, my oncologist and I have decided that starting next week, I will begin weekly chemo treatments of the Taxol and Herceptin because researchers have found better success rates with doing weekly treatments (as opposed to having them every 3 weeks). I'm not sure how it's going to go...if I'm going to feel like crap for a few days, then ok for a few days, then crap again etc., etc. For 9 more weeks. Ugh. However, what got me really out of the dumps was actually getting my last chemo. While it hurt and sucked and was total crap, I felt like I was doing something about it, and being proactive is a positive force.
I know it's not always going to be this hard. I know I'm not the only person going through this, and I know that there is never a "good" time to get cancer. I just wish I didn't have to chase after a very active and determined 2 year old while battling this disease. And I know that it's probably unhealthy for me to wish for something that can't be changed but I'm still having some difficulty accepting this very altered reality that is my world right now. I also know that I am never going to know what it's like not to have cancer and a 2 year old. I just have to remind myself and really allow for the fact that I'm not going to be able to be the mom/wife/daughter/friend/sister/aunt I want to be right now. I'm working on getting over it, I promise. I suspect, when I go into remission that is, that I am going to constantly wonder if it's back. I worry about that but at the same time, I also have faith. Just as important as my faith is knowing that I have your encouragement, support, love and understanding no matter what. So, thank you for that and for being in my world. And as always, I have to end by saying thank for reading and commenting (or calling or emailing). I need and love you all very much. So cheers to all of you for a healthier, happier and hope-filled year. Let's hope 2009 will be a better year for all of us. Much love.
So, the last month or so has been rough. My last treatment (which was also my first treatment with the second round of chemo drugs) was really hard. It was A LOT different than what I was getting used to, and I have to be honest here, I was spooked before I even got the treatment. I was wallowing pretty deeply in my fear and having a really tough time keeping my chin up. I think my attitude infected Howie and Ryan as well because we had a few days and nights that I don't care to recall, much less rehash. Having said that though, I feel like I/we have gotten over the fear-hump and have started to move back towards the light. Ringing in a new year has helped me realize that I don't want to spend my time or energy fearing for my life, and that I want to spend the time I have-however long that is (and believe me, I hope it's a L O N G time), doing the things I love with the people I love. I mean, let's be real here...who knows how long any of us has really? So in the spirit of living, I've been trying to focus on doing things I love...seeing movies, listening to music, reading books, going to the beach, and trying to spend time w/friends and family etc. I'm still working on calling and emailing though. ;)
Otherwise, I feel OK right now. That is, other than feeling like I've got Swiss cheese for brains. I've been having a hard time recalling words in general, but especially in the middle of a conversation. Plus, the words I do come up with don't seem to accurately convey what it is I'm trying to say. Anyhow, being the talker I am, it's admittedly a bit frustrating. As for my body, well, it's sore and run-down and I feel every joint and muscle every time I move but it's not horrible anymore. We're thinking (and hoping) my next chemo treatment won't be as intense since it'll be a smaller dose. I really don't mean to complain, I guess I'm just trying to give a state of the union here. And just so everyone knows, my oncologist and I have decided that starting next week, I will begin weekly chemo treatments of the Taxol and Herceptin because researchers have found better success rates with doing weekly treatments (as opposed to having them every 3 weeks). I'm not sure how it's going to go...if I'm going to feel like crap for a few days, then ok for a few days, then crap again etc., etc. For 9 more weeks. Ugh. However, what got me really out of the dumps was actually getting my last chemo. While it hurt and sucked and was total crap, I felt like I was doing something about it, and being proactive is a positive force.
I know it's not always going to be this hard. I know I'm not the only person going through this, and I know that there is never a "good" time to get cancer. I just wish I didn't have to chase after a very active and determined 2 year old while battling this disease. And I know that it's probably unhealthy for me to wish for something that can't be changed but I'm still having some difficulty accepting this very altered reality that is my world right now. I also know that I am never going to know what it's like not to have cancer and a 2 year old. I just have to remind myself and really allow for the fact that I'm not going to be able to be the mom/wife/daughter/friend/sister/aunt I want to be right now. I'm working on getting over it, I promise. I suspect, when I go into remission that is, that I am going to constantly wonder if it's back. I worry about that but at the same time, I also have faith. Just as important as my faith is knowing that I have your encouragement, support, love and understanding no matter what. So, thank you for that and for being in my world. And as always, I have to end by saying thank for reading and commenting (or calling or emailing). I need and love you all very much. So cheers to all of you for a healthier, happier and hope-filled year. Let's hope 2009 will be a better year for all of us. Much love.
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