A Happier New Year...

I know it's been a while since I blogged but I've found having cancer and taking care of a 2 year old to be pretty darn time-consuming, so I don't make it onto the computer much. And I know I don't always return phone calls or emails in a timely manner, but what can I say? Once a lagger, always a lagger. Please know it's not personal, just chalk it up to me not feeling very social, and very tired. I suspect you all will likely wave away my apologies but I am sorry, and I'll try to get a little better communication-wise in 09.

So, the last month or so has been rough. My last treatment (which was also my first treatment with the second round of chemo drugs) was really hard. It was A LOT different than what I was getting used to, and I have to be honest here, I was spooked before I even got the treatment. I was wallowing pretty deeply in my fear and having a really tough time keeping my chin up. I think my attitude infected Howie and Ryan as well because we had a few days and nights that I don't care to recall, much less rehash. Having said that though, I feel like I/we have gotten over the fear-hump and have started to move back towards the light. Ringing in a new year has helped me realize that I don't want to spend my time or energy fearing for my life, and that I want to spend the time I have-however long that is (and believe me, I hope it's a L O N G time), doing the things I love with the people I love. I mean, let's be real here...who knows how long any of us has really? So in the spirit of living, I've been trying to focus on doing things I love...seeing movies, listening to music, reading books, going to the beach, and trying to spend time w/friends and family etc. I'm still working on calling and emailing though. ;)


Otherwise, I feel OK right now. That is, other than feeling like I've got Swiss cheese for brains. I've been having a hard time recalling words in general, but especially in the middle of a conversation. Plus, the words I do come up with don't seem to accurately convey what it is I'm trying to say. Anyhow, being the talker I am, it's admittedly a bit frustrating. As for my body, well, it's sore and run-down and I feel every joint and muscle every time I move but it's not horrible anymore. We're thinking (and hoping) my next chemo treatment won't be as intense since it'll be a smaller dose. I really don't mean to complain, I guess I'm just trying to give a state of the union here. And just so everyone knows, my oncologist and I have decided that starting next week, I will begin weekly chemo treatments of the Taxol and Herceptin because researchers have found better success rates with doing weekly treatments (as opposed to having them every 3 weeks). I'm not sure how it's going to go...if I'm going to feel like crap for a few days, then ok for a few days, then crap again etc., etc. For 9 more weeks. Ugh. However, what got me really out of the dumps was actually getting my last chemo. While it hurt and sucked and was total crap, I felt like I was doing something about it, and being proactive is a positive force.

I know it's not always going to be this hard. I know I'm not the only person going through this, and I know that there is never a "good" time to get cancer. I just wish I didn't have to chase after a very active and determined 2 year old while battling this disease. And I know that it's probably unhealthy for me to wish for something that can't be changed but I'm still having some difficulty accepting this very altered reality that is my world right now. I also know that I am never going to know what it's like not to have cancer and a 2 year old. I just have to remind myself and really allow for the fact that I'm not going to be able to be the mom/wife/daughter/friend/sister/aunt I want to be right now. I'm working on getting over it, I promise. I suspect, when I go into remission that is, that I am going to constantly wonder if it's back. I worry about that but at the same time, I also have faith. Just as important as my faith is knowing that I have your encouragement, support, love and understanding no matter what. So, thank you for that and for being in my world. And as always, I have to end by saying thank for reading and commenting (or calling or emailing). I need and love you all very much. So cheers to all of you for a healthier, happier and hope-filled year. Let's hope 2009 will be a better year for all of us. Much love.