That's how Deb's doing after her first administration of Taxol.
Not as nauseous as the Adriamycin/Cytoxan combo, but an entirely different set of side effects.
The differences in the treatments began before it was even given....Wednesday night (the night before chemo) Deb took some steroids as a pre-treatment. The treatment itself lasted much longer than the previous regiment. Deb was there getting her infusion from a bit after 9am until almost 4:30. Exhausting sitting there all day...and she almost ran through all of her batteries too - dvd player, ipod, phone, nintendo; you know the chemo tools of the 2000's...
With the first round of treatments she didn't really seem to feel any effects for a few days. This time, however, that evening she summed it up in a single word: weird.
And that's exactly how her feeling appeared to me. I was just watching her and I could tell that she wasn't feeling right...but it kind of makes sense...get infused with chems all day and feel weird all night, right?
By Friday and Saturday the weirdness progressed into pain, both in the bones and joints. And not just like her hands hurt, or her back hurts, or her legs hurt, but all of it is hurting. Deb made it with us to Ryan's gymnastics on Friday and we all went to the beach on Saturday which was just awesome. It was such a lovely day and Ryan and Jojo (and Deb & I) all had a blast just walking down the beach counting boats. Ryan was all about the water. "Want go in water NOW!"...so, we rolled up our pant legs and felt that cold cold Monterey Bay water. Funny how kids are not affected by things like really cold water. I had to physically remove the girl so that I could regain feeling in my feet. It was a really nice day for all of us, and Jojo got to stretch her legs for a much needed while.
Sunday, the all-over bone pain got worse and was accompanied by a wake-up nose bleed. Add to that a gray wintry rainy soggy Santa Cruz day - which always seems to increase the feelings of pain...Fan-freakin'-tastic :)
I'll quote Deb, "I think I prefer nausea to this."
So, that's where we are on this Monday morning.
I know, lame blog, but...
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
What to say....
Hi all,
I just felt like I needed to post even though I'm not sure what news there really is to report.
We had a great visit from Miki. She's just awesome. I can't believe my fortune that I should be friends with such a great bunch of people. Miki took great care of us and the house and brought us yummy delights from LA; baked goods from the Jewish bakery, Pastrami and pickles from the deli, dim sum from Chinatown...and then she had the gall to go and cook delicious foods like every single night she was here. Yeah, we were sad to see her leave, but we know that she's busy busy now. For those that don't already know, check out Miki's website at www.blanketdiva.com and you won't be sorry. There's no shame in this plug here, because we are proud owners of a blanketdiva blanket and we highly recommend that you check it out. The site is great and the product is unbelievable soft. Seriously.
What else? Deb's been tired but staying busy with Ryan and all of her routines. We're all glad that we're now halfway complete with the chemotherapy. Next week Deb will get her first dose of Taxol & Herceptin. They generally administer Taxol every 3 weeks but have been seeing promising results by giving weekly doses, so it's likely that she'll get a 3 week dose first to get through the holidays and then go weekly after that. But that remains to be seen.
Ryan's continuing to develop her vocabulary and singing voice. She's still experimenting with the potty and we're very much looking forward to the day we can set those Diaper Champs out to pasture....though as we start to frequent some of the Santa Cruz public toilets I see the advantage to wearing diapers ;)
Jojo's got fleas and all I can say is that's a real bummer. Poor girl can't scratch hard enough. And man, it's annoying; and not just Jojo is annoyed ;) So we're giving her healthy doses of Frontline to get rid of them little buggers....
We're so excited to go and celebrate the holidays and December b-days Saturday night up at Chris & Kath's new place in Walnut Crick and then Sunday we're going on the Holiday Train ride here in Santa Cruz at the Boardwalk so that should be a good time.
Other than that, the beat goes on....
We would like to take this opportunity to wish each and every one of you a hap hap happy holiday season. Enjoy the full moon, the solstice, Hannukah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Boxing Day, Festivus, whatever....
If we don't blog before 2009, everyone have a blast this newyears. For those of you who will be in Denver, know that we're right there above/behind/around/next to you in spirit. Breaking our hearts to not spend that time and space with you all. For everyone who will be in other places welcoming the New Year, do it right, do it fun and do it safe.
We love you.
Happy Everything from the Finfers
I just felt like I needed to post even though I'm not sure what news there really is to report.
We had a great visit from Miki. She's just awesome. I can't believe my fortune that I should be friends with such a great bunch of people. Miki took great care of us and the house and brought us yummy delights from LA; baked goods from the Jewish bakery, Pastrami and pickles from the deli, dim sum from Chinatown...and then she had the gall to go and cook delicious foods like every single night she was here. Yeah, we were sad to see her leave, but we know that she's busy busy now. For those that don't already know, check out Miki's website at www.blanketdiva.com and you won't be sorry. There's no shame in this plug here, because we are proud owners of a blanketdiva blanket and we highly recommend that you check it out. The site is great and the product is unbelievable soft. Seriously.
What else? Deb's been tired but staying busy with Ryan and all of her routines. We're all glad that we're now halfway complete with the chemotherapy. Next week Deb will get her first dose of Taxol & Herceptin. They generally administer Taxol every 3 weeks but have been seeing promising results by giving weekly doses, so it's likely that she'll get a 3 week dose first to get through the holidays and then go weekly after that. But that remains to be seen.
Ryan's continuing to develop her vocabulary and singing voice. She's still experimenting with the potty and we're very much looking forward to the day we can set those Diaper Champs out to pasture....though as we start to frequent some of the Santa Cruz public toilets I see the advantage to wearing diapers ;)
Jojo's got fleas and all I can say is that's a real bummer. Poor girl can't scratch hard enough. And man, it's annoying; and not just Jojo is annoyed ;) So we're giving her healthy doses of Frontline to get rid of them little buggers....
We're so excited to go and celebrate the holidays and December b-days Saturday night up at Chris & Kath's new place in Walnut Crick and then Sunday we're going on the Holiday Train ride here in Santa Cruz at the Boardwalk so that should be a good time.
Other than that, the beat goes on....
We would like to take this opportunity to wish each and every one of you a hap hap happy holiday season. Enjoy the full moon, the solstice, Hannukah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Boxing Day, Festivus, whatever....
If we don't blog before 2009, everyone have a blast this newyears. For those of you who will be in Denver, know that we're right there above/behind/around/next to you in spirit. Breaking our hearts to not spend that time and space with you all. For everyone who will be in other places welcoming the New Year, do it right, do it fun and do it safe.
We love you.
Happy Everything from the Finfers
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Where we are today
Where we are today is 1 day before Thanksgiving, 2008.
Where we are today is 2 days before "Chemo IV: Deb's Revenge".
That's right, Chemo 3: The Threequel is nearly complete. It pretty much sucked. About as bad as most other threequels (Return of the Jedi, Back to the Future and Indiana Jones excluded). Think Revenge of the Nerds 3, Rocky 3 and Police Academy 3. Yeah, it sucked alright....
But, and that's a big BUT, we're getting through, beyond and past it.
The Breast Cancer ride continues to provide uncertainty, but that's what it's cracked up to be. I'm continually reminded of a Breast Cancer Husband in one of my books who pulls out his blackberry at the Oncologist's office to schedule all of his wife's chemo appointments on the 1st day. He's laughed at by the folks at the office who know as well as anyone the unpredictability of this disease.
With that being said, we've been rolling with it.
Deb's been having some pain in her side. It's either a kidney stone or gas. Thanks. It's either something really painful and identifiable, or it's just painful. Pretty much a lose-lose. She's managing like a champ though; persisting with all of the "regular" activities. I'll take this moment to once again express my love for this woman who is keeping on keeping on. Even though there's really no alternative, she's such a trooper - making dinners and keeping Ryan actively particpating in all of her activities.
Aside from the side pain, which she seems to be managing at least somewhat, Deb seems to be adjusting to this crazy time pretty well. The new "normal" ain't all that bad - we're totally getting through it. It's not optimal, but it's our life, and it's what we've got right now, so I'll take it :)
Ryan is continuing to develop - singing a lot, building block towers, creating sticker collages, dancing, jumping, slugging t-balls, etc...Both Deb and I are glad that she's letting Elmo and Blue rest a bit as she's finally into her first movie: Madagascar. This girl likes to "Move it move it". Thanks Woo for leaving the DVD; it provides great relief from our furry red monster friend....
I went with Ryan (and her best buddy Maia and Maia's mom Sam) to see the Banana Slug String Band this past Saturday morning. The 11am show was Ryan's first trip to a Jazz Club and we were happy to see a group of our friends there at the show. Watching Ryan and Maia leaning on the stage checking out the instruments and amplifiers was quite a sight. More endearing though, was Ryan with a big bag of snacks passing out peas to her friends in the front row. A sign of times to come. Watching Ryan dance through the aisles smiling makes me look even more forward to seeing shows as a family. It was great to see familiar faces in a live music setting.
So, here we are; looking forward to a Thanksgiving in Santa Cruz with Mike & Andy and the Plumlee's and their crew. We're happy for a long weekend coming up and looking forward to a visit from Miki this weekend, she's coming up to help out after Deb's treatment.
Regarding the treatments, this upcoming therapy will be the last of the 1st round of treatment - final administation of Adriamycin and Cytoxin. Still to come: 4 rounds of Taxol and Hercpetin. Almost half-way through the chemo. The light at the end of this tunnel continues to brighten. As 2008 draws nearer to a close, I look forward with great anticipation towards 2009, hopeful that it will prove to be a happier and healthier year for everyone reading these words.
So much to be thankful for every year, but especially this year. Look acrosss your Thanksgiving table this year and be extra grateful; know that we'll be out in the hills, toasting each and every one of you thinking good thankful thoughts in your directions....
Where we are today is 2 days before "Chemo IV: Deb's Revenge".
That's right, Chemo 3: The Threequel is nearly complete. It pretty much sucked. About as bad as most other threequels (Return of the Jedi, Back to the Future and Indiana Jones excluded). Think Revenge of the Nerds 3, Rocky 3 and Police Academy 3. Yeah, it sucked alright....
But, and that's a big BUT, we're getting through, beyond and past it.
The Breast Cancer ride continues to provide uncertainty, but that's what it's cracked up to be. I'm continually reminded of a Breast Cancer Husband in one of my books who pulls out his blackberry at the Oncologist's office to schedule all of his wife's chemo appointments on the 1st day. He's laughed at by the folks at the office who know as well as anyone the unpredictability of this disease.
With that being said, we've been rolling with it.
Deb's been having some pain in her side. It's either a kidney stone or gas. Thanks. It's either something really painful and identifiable, or it's just painful. Pretty much a lose-lose. She's managing like a champ though; persisting with all of the "regular" activities. I'll take this moment to once again express my love for this woman who is keeping on keeping on. Even though there's really no alternative, she's such a trooper - making dinners and keeping Ryan actively particpating in all of her activities.
Aside from the side pain, which she seems to be managing at least somewhat, Deb seems to be adjusting to this crazy time pretty well. The new "normal" ain't all that bad - we're totally getting through it. It's not optimal, but it's our life, and it's what we've got right now, so I'll take it :)
Ryan is continuing to develop - singing a lot, building block towers, creating sticker collages, dancing, jumping, slugging t-balls, etc...Both Deb and I are glad that she's letting Elmo and Blue rest a bit as she's finally into her first movie: Madagascar. This girl likes to "Move it move it". Thanks Woo for leaving the DVD; it provides great relief from our furry red monster friend....
I went with Ryan (and her best buddy Maia and Maia's mom Sam) to see the Banana Slug String Band this past Saturday morning. The 11am show was Ryan's first trip to a Jazz Club and we were happy to see a group of our friends there at the show. Watching Ryan and Maia leaning on the stage checking out the instruments and amplifiers was quite a sight. More endearing though, was Ryan with a big bag of snacks passing out peas to her friends in the front row. A sign of times to come. Watching Ryan dance through the aisles smiling makes me look even more forward to seeing shows as a family. It was great to see familiar faces in a live music setting.
So, here we are; looking forward to a Thanksgiving in Santa Cruz with Mike & Andy and the Plumlee's and their crew. We're happy for a long weekend coming up and looking forward to a visit from Miki this weekend, she's coming up to help out after Deb's treatment.
Regarding the treatments, this upcoming therapy will be the last of the 1st round of treatment - final administation of Adriamycin and Cytoxin. Still to come: 4 rounds of Taxol and Hercpetin. Almost half-way through the chemo. The light at the end of this tunnel continues to brighten. As 2008 draws nearer to a close, I look forward with great anticipation towards 2009, hopeful that it will prove to be a happier and healthier year for everyone reading these words.
So much to be thankful for every year, but especially this year. Look acrosss your Thanksgiving table this year and be extra grateful; know that we'll be out in the hills, toasting each and every one of you thinking good thankful thoughts in your directions....
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Between Chemo #2 & #3
Hi Everyone,
Long time no blog.
Sorry about that, but life happens (and that's a good thing, remember?)...
Since last we "spoke", Deb has successfully been administered her 2nd round of chemoTHERAPY and has been adapting to being a beautiful bald(ing) woman gracefully. Ryan is learning her ABC's and 123's and singing up a storm - Happy Birthday and Ring Around the Rosie are the hits of the day; with of course the Music Together theme "Hello Everybody". If you're reading this you can be pretty sure that Ryan's sung "Hello 'insert your name here'" time and time again. It's pretty darn cute if I do say so myself (and yes, I just did, didn't I?).
Wendy came down for almost a week after "Chemo 2: The Sequel" and we all just love that and appreciate it so much. "Woo", as she's affectionately referred to as, is quite the popular figure around these here parts. Since she's been here, I've been able to spend more time at work, saving up vacation time for when it's needed and for when we're able to use it for a proper celebratory vacation somewhere tropical.
Deb's mom, "Nini", has also been "above and beyond" the call of duty lately; and it's been wonderful for everyone. Ryan absolutely adores her "Nini" and loves spending time with her. Nini is equally enamored of Ryan and both Deb and I are not only grateful to have Ryan establishing a deeper bond with her maternal grandmother, but we get some time sans 2 year old too, which is almost a mini vacation in itself.
The "Mamas" have been busy too. The meal train has been keeping us nourished during this past week and there was a charity yard sale for Deb's benefit. You all know who you are, and you freakin' rock and we love you...For everyone else, take this moment and just relish in the fact that there are still good, caring, compassionate people, full of love, and smiles, and help out there; cause it's pretty amazing.
So, these new anti-nausea meds they gave Deb must be working. While she still feels toxic (for lack of a better word), she hasn't fully lost her appetite like she did with "Chemo 1: The First Time". And that's been great for everyone. With abundant thanks to Nini, we've been able to go out and eat dinner, just the two of us, on a number of occasions now.
Again, apologies for not posting sooner, or posting more, but I'm glad to be reporting that we've been busy doing things and enjoying this wonderful place we live in during arguably the best time of the year; October in Santa Cruz is just awesome - just like each and every one of you.
Sap out,
Howie
Long time no blog.
Sorry about that, but life happens (and that's a good thing, remember?)...
Since last we "spoke", Deb has successfully been administered her 2nd round of chemoTHERAPY and has been adapting to being a beautiful bald(ing) woman gracefully. Ryan is learning her ABC's and 123's and singing up a storm - Happy Birthday and Ring Around the Rosie are the hits of the day; with of course the Music Together theme "Hello Everybody". If you're reading this you can be pretty sure that Ryan's sung "Hello 'insert your name here'" time and time again. It's pretty darn cute if I do say so myself (and yes, I just did, didn't I?).
Wendy came down for almost a week after "Chemo 2: The Sequel" and we all just love that and appreciate it so much. "Woo", as she's affectionately referred to as, is quite the popular figure around these here parts. Since she's been here, I've been able to spend more time at work, saving up vacation time for when it's needed and for when we're able to use it for a proper celebratory vacation somewhere tropical.
Deb's mom, "Nini", has also been "above and beyond" the call of duty lately; and it's been wonderful for everyone. Ryan absolutely adores her "Nini" and loves spending time with her. Nini is equally enamored of Ryan and both Deb and I are not only grateful to have Ryan establishing a deeper bond with her maternal grandmother, but we get some time sans 2 year old too, which is almost a mini vacation in itself.
The "Mamas" have been busy too. The meal train has been keeping us nourished during this past week and there was a charity yard sale for Deb's benefit. You all know who you are, and you freakin' rock and we love you...For everyone else, take this moment and just relish in the fact that there are still good, caring, compassionate people, full of love, and smiles, and help out there; cause it's pretty amazing.
So, these new anti-nausea meds they gave Deb must be working. While she still feels toxic (for lack of a better word), she hasn't fully lost her appetite like she did with "Chemo 1: The First Time". And that's been great for everyone. With abundant thanks to Nini, we've been able to go out and eat dinner, just the two of us, on a number of occasions now.
Again, apologies for not posting sooner, or posting more, but I'm glad to be reporting that we've been busy doing things and enjoying this wonderful place we live in during arguably the best time of the year; October in Santa Cruz is just awesome - just like each and every one of you.
Sap out,
Howie
Monday, October 6, 2008
1 week, 4 days post chemo...
Hi All,
My last post was written the day after my first chemo was administered. I woke up that morning feeling really good, so good that I decided to get up before the sunrise (and before Howie & Ryan woke up), and take Jojo on a walk. While I was on my walk, I realized a few things...that I hadn't been able to take my dog on a walk for over a month, that I had been drugged for that entire time, and that it was Fall and soon to be October. It was kind of a wake-up call, and I realized that the pain meds haven't really been doing much for me other than making me feel really foggy and out of it. So I decided to stop taking them. The pain I'm still experiencing has to do with some minor fluid retention, and admittedly, the port still hurts some, but where it really hurts is in my muscles and nerves...the ones they had to cut through to get the breast tissue out. Their healing has been less than pleasant. I've been told by both my breast surgeon and the surgeon who installed the port that neither surgery should have been very painful, which always makes it worse when there is a lot of pain involved. It also makes me feel like I'm over-dramatizing everything, so yeah, a little resentment there. I also seem to have sustained some nerve damage in my right underarm (where the lymph nodes were removed) and though there is definitely still some pain, it's not nearly as intense as it was. I've been told that nerve pain usually gets better w/in a month or so or not at all. So I decided to live with the pain and see where that gets me. If I'm going to have pain no matter what, especially since the meds aren't working, what's the point of taking them?!? If the pain gets worse then there are other options; pain management clinics, higher dosages, etc., but we'll get to that only if we have to.
Anyhow, the Friday after chemo was the last day I felt really good. My oncologist says it was probably the steroids, time-released anti-nausea meds, and saline he gave me during the chemo injection. Well, those didn't last and on Sunday I woke up feeling like crap. I experienced the gauntlet of symptoms...everything from nausea, diarrhea, cramping, body aches and chills to simple, undeniable exhaustion. Oh, and I was due to get my period any day as well. Add to that the fact that Howie & Ryan both had bad colds, and that my dog was in heat and was driving us all a little crazy. Sunday was by far the worst day. Saturday hadn't been great, but it was tolerable. Monday was pretty crappy too but again, tolerable. I found that if I sat outside and/or rested in bed, I was ok. I couldn't focus to read or watch TV, I couldn't handle Ryan climbing on me, I definitely didn't want to eat and I couldn't talk on the phone and/or email. I just wanted to sit and breathe. One of those days I woke up angry. Angry at the gods/goddesses, angry at the timing, angry at cancer, and angry at the world. I haven't really had to "try" to be positive, I just kinda was by default and due to my nature, but I admit that if I hadn't had a good "break-down" session w/my mom and marathon phone sessions with Kath & Wendy, the anger might have swallowed me whole. I was frustrated at seeing Howie and Ryan struggle and not being able to help, I was frustrated over the timing of all this-not that there is ever a "convenient" time to get cancer but with a 2 yr old, puppy and a good life, I have been somewhat pissed off at the timing. So like me to get pissed off at the things I can't control! However, the silver lining is that by the next round of chemo, my doctor has a new pill to help bridge the gap between the time-released anti-nausea meds and when the chemo leaves my body and reeks havoc on my system. In addition to that, my dog will be out of heat, hopefully Ry & Howie won't be sick and I won't be getting my period. So I'm thinking next time might be a little easier. At least I hope so. And if it's not, I'll just keep repeating my new mantra, "the poison is working, the poison is working." ;)
By Tuesday I felt well enough to go to the park with Howie & Ryan but pretty much had to hang out under a tree and watch the entire time. I then came home and slept for 4 hours. Same thing on Wednesday. I kinda felt like I was getting over a bad flu. But by Wed night I felt better and managed to convince Howie to go back to work on Thursday since I had help from my mom and our neighbor Christina who watched Ry while I rested. On Friday I felt almost normal except I was still suffering from some bladder distress and cramping but by that night my appetite had returned and Howie and I actually got to go out to dinner while my mom watched Ryan. After subsisting on water, chicken soup (w/matzoh balls), rice, almonds, bananas and Honey Nut O's from Trader Joes, it was nice to eat some real food. It kinda felt like I was on my pregnancy diet again, the food had to be bland but pack a nutritional punch and I just had to pray that I'd be able to keep it down. My friend Sam made an interesting point...that I had a really crappy pregnancy but after those 9 mos, I/we got Ryan. After 6.5 mos of chemo, and another couple mos of radiation, I will get my life back. It was kind of an eye-opener for me when put in that perspective.
Speaking of eye-opening perspectives...I'm realizing this whole experience is a test and a lesson in tolerance. It's also testing my patience but on the plus side, I'm learning what my limitations are and learning to accept help. Not an easy thing when you are an utterly capable adult woman of the 21st century. As for all the help, I have been meaning to say something that has been on my mind and I just need you all to hear me out before dismissing it or chalking it up to "cancer." Here's the thing, I am utterly capable, I know that. You know that. But what you don't realize, or maybe you do, is how difficult it is for me to accept help. Being self-sufficient is extremely important to me. Raising my daughter the way Howie and I want is extremely important to us. When outside influences converge, it makes me feel somewhat out of control...not a feeling I'm familiar or comfortable with. Having said that, I need you to know that I KNOW we would not be able to fight this fight without all of your support, encouragement, meals, articles, comments, emails, cards, and general help. So while I want to be able to do it all myself, I can't and I know that but I feel somewhat ashamed that I haven't been able to thank you all individually for everything you have done, and you know who you are. I also feel like I have overlooked thanking some people and I feel like I'm losing not just my manners but my ability to express my sincere appreciation for the people in my life. I know I need to focus on myself right now and that my health is paramount but my family and my friends are what make my life worth living. So thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you all for being there for us. Thank you for the cards, the gifts, the emails, calls, articles sent, breast cancer walk involvement, encouragement, love and support. I could not do this without all of you and I know that. Thanks for helping me realize it. I love you all.
My last post was written the day after my first chemo was administered. I woke up that morning feeling really good, so good that I decided to get up before the sunrise (and before Howie & Ryan woke up), and take Jojo on a walk. While I was on my walk, I realized a few things...that I hadn't been able to take my dog on a walk for over a month, that I had been drugged for that entire time, and that it was Fall and soon to be October. It was kind of a wake-up call, and I realized that the pain meds haven't really been doing much for me other than making me feel really foggy and out of it. So I decided to stop taking them. The pain I'm still experiencing has to do with some minor fluid retention, and admittedly, the port still hurts some, but where it really hurts is in my muscles and nerves...the ones they had to cut through to get the breast tissue out. Their healing has been less than pleasant. I've been told by both my breast surgeon and the surgeon who installed the port that neither surgery should have been very painful, which always makes it worse when there is a lot of pain involved. It also makes me feel like I'm over-dramatizing everything, so yeah, a little resentment there. I also seem to have sustained some nerve damage in my right underarm (where the lymph nodes were removed) and though there is definitely still some pain, it's not nearly as intense as it was. I've been told that nerve pain usually gets better w/in a month or so or not at all. So I decided to live with the pain and see where that gets me. If I'm going to have pain no matter what, especially since the meds aren't working, what's the point of taking them?!? If the pain gets worse then there are other options; pain management clinics, higher dosages, etc., but we'll get to that only if we have to.
Anyhow, the Friday after chemo was the last day I felt really good. My oncologist says it was probably the steroids, time-released anti-nausea meds, and saline he gave me during the chemo injection. Well, those didn't last and on Sunday I woke up feeling like crap. I experienced the gauntlet of symptoms...everything from nausea, diarrhea, cramping, body aches and chills to simple, undeniable exhaustion. Oh, and I was due to get my period any day as well. Add to that the fact that Howie & Ryan both had bad colds, and that my dog was in heat and was driving us all a little crazy. Sunday was by far the worst day. Saturday hadn't been great, but it was tolerable. Monday was pretty crappy too but again, tolerable. I found that if I sat outside and/or rested in bed, I was ok. I couldn't focus to read or watch TV, I couldn't handle Ryan climbing on me, I definitely didn't want to eat and I couldn't talk on the phone and/or email. I just wanted to sit and breathe. One of those days I woke up angry. Angry at the gods/goddesses, angry at the timing, angry at cancer, and angry at the world. I haven't really had to "try" to be positive, I just kinda was by default and due to my nature, but I admit that if I hadn't had a good "break-down" session w/my mom and marathon phone sessions with Kath & Wendy, the anger might have swallowed me whole. I was frustrated at seeing Howie and Ryan struggle and not being able to help, I was frustrated over the timing of all this-not that there is ever a "convenient" time to get cancer but with a 2 yr old, puppy and a good life, I have been somewhat pissed off at the timing. So like me to get pissed off at the things I can't control! However, the silver lining is that by the next round of chemo, my doctor has a new pill to help bridge the gap between the time-released anti-nausea meds and when the chemo leaves my body and reeks havoc on my system. In addition to that, my dog will be out of heat, hopefully Ry & Howie won't be sick and I won't be getting my period. So I'm thinking next time might be a little easier. At least I hope so. And if it's not, I'll just keep repeating my new mantra, "the poison is working, the poison is working." ;)
By Tuesday I felt well enough to go to the park with Howie & Ryan but pretty much had to hang out under a tree and watch the entire time. I then came home and slept for 4 hours. Same thing on Wednesday. I kinda felt like I was getting over a bad flu. But by Wed night I felt better and managed to convince Howie to go back to work on Thursday since I had help from my mom and our neighbor Christina who watched Ry while I rested. On Friday I felt almost normal except I was still suffering from some bladder distress and cramping but by that night my appetite had returned and Howie and I actually got to go out to dinner while my mom watched Ryan. After subsisting on water, chicken soup (w/matzoh balls), rice, almonds, bananas and Honey Nut O's from Trader Joes, it was nice to eat some real food. It kinda felt like I was on my pregnancy diet again, the food had to be bland but pack a nutritional punch and I just had to pray that I'd be able to keep it down. My friend Sam made an interesting point...that I had a really crappy pregnancy but after those 9 mos, I/we got Ryan. After 6.5 mos of chemo, and another couple mos of radiation, I will get my life back. It was kind of an eye-opener for me when put in that perspective.
Speaking of eye-opening perspectives...I'm realizing this whole experience is a test and a lesson in tolerance. It's also testing my patience but on the plus side, I'm learning what my limitations are and learning to accept help. Not an easy thing when you are an utterly capable adult woman of the 21st century. As for all the help, I have been meaning to say something that has been on my mind and I just need you all to hear me out before dismissing it or chalking it up to "cancer." Here's the thing, I am utterly capable, I know that. You know that. But what you don't realize, or maybe you do, is how difficult it is for me to accept help. Being self-sufficient is extremely important to me. Raising my daughter the way Howie and I want is extremely important to us. When outside influences converge, it makes me feel somewhat out of control...not a feeling I'm familiar or comfortable with. Having said that, I need you to know that I KNOW we would not be able to fight this fight without all of your support, encouragement, meals, articles, comments, emails, cards, and general help. So while I want to be able to do it all myself, I can't and I know that but I feel somewhat ashamed that I haven't been able to thank you all individually for everything you have done, and you know who you are. I also feel like I have overlooked thanking some people and I feel like I'm losing not just my manners but my ability to express my sincere appreciation for the people in my life. I know I need to focus on myself right now and that my health is paramount but my family and my friends are what make my life worth living. So thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you all for being there for us. Thank you for the cards, the gifts, the emails, calls, articles sent, breast cancer walk involvement, encouragement, love and support. I could not do this without all of you and I know that. Thanks for helping me realize it. I love you all.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
1 down, 7 to go
It's official, the first round of chemo has been administered successfully. I feel pretty good all things considered. A little queasy and sweaty (it's hot here) but really, since I've been on so many pain meds for the fluid retention and surgical pain, it isn't fazing me too badly. I met a couple of really nice women in the treatment room, watched old videos of Ryan on our portable DVD player, and listened to the new Ali Farka Toure cd my excellent husband bought for me. We saw Dr. Yen before the treatment began so he could go over my finger stick/blood counts, examine me, and make sure I was fit to poison. He said I was good to go, so I sat in my lay-z-boy and took those toxic chemicals like a good girl. I know some of you might think that's terrible but dark humor is of great comfort to me-especially right now. Sometimes the only way I can maintain my positivity is by being a little caustic. It keeps me from biting everyone's heads off. And I have been told that you just get more irritable throughout treatment, especially since chemo usually throws you into early menopause, so I apologize in advance for any offenses.
Really though, positivity hasn't really been an issue for me. Sure I have my moments, but if you're reading this blog, you probably know me and realize I'm typically an optimistic and hopeful kind of girl. And I do have faith and believe that I am going to get through all this (after a dark and difficult road ;), but when I'm in pain, it's difficult to maintain any positivity. Having said that, it's been kind of a rough week. My port installation went fine but my shoulder was barking like a pack o' hounds. So badly that it sent me back to the surgeon to make sure nothing on the hardware of the port had migrated. If you want to see a picture of what a port looks like, go to this link:
http://www.bardaccess.com/port-arterial.php
So the doctor decided to perform an immediate ultrasound and then sent me across the street to the surgical center to get a chest xray. By the time I took the xray & walked back across the street to his office, the digital xrays were up on his computer monitor. So cool! Everything looked fine, I could see the port under the skin and the catheter that was threaded all they way through the vein, and after talking for a while about what I was doing for the pain, he determined I need to take more drugs...Go figure! The problem is that I'm a lightweight when it comes to pharmaceutical drugs so I tend to take less than the suggested dose. However, I'm learning that pain is a funny thing. If you stay on top of it, you can usually manage it better than if you let it go too long and try to "catch up" to it. So anyways, I was skipping my mid-day dose and was just kinda trying to ride on the coattail of my morning dose, and then taking one before bed. Apparently that wasn't such a good idea. I know now. They also say with chemo to take the anti-nausea meds even if I'm not feeling nauseous so any nausea can get nipped in the bud before it bothers me. The thing is, with the pain meds, it's hard for me to feel so out of it and foggy. I'm trying to feel as normal as possible, be Ryan's mom and Howie's wife on top of all this, and I feel like such a zombie when I'm on em. Having said that though, I realize I need to maybe meet them halfway on this one because when I'm in pain, I'm not myself. And if you're not yourself, you're really not there in the first place. So cliche, so sorry. So anyways, I'm going to try and be a good girl and take my medicine. And really, I saw the surgeon on Tuesday and the port feels significantly better yesterday and today. Well at least it did until they stuck a giant needle in to administer the chemo. But I am being prescribed a topical numbing medicine to help for next time, so I'm looking forward to that. As long as everything lines up and I don't have any adverse reactions, my blood counts look good, and I'm not sick, next time will be 3 Thursdays from today.
I'm off to rest and try take a pill. Thanks for reading and commenting and for being out there for me/us. My love follows you all.
Oh, be sure to check our our Puggle Jojo in her diaper & collar (which she only wears when she's inside and has free reign of the house). Poor girl, she's so over it! But then again, so are we!
Really though, positivity hasn't really been an issue for me. Sure I have my moments, but if you're reading this blog, you probably know me and realize I'm typically an optimistic and hopeful kind of girl. And I do have faith and believe that I am going to get through all this (after a dark and difficult road ;), but when I'm in pain, it's difficult to maintain any positivity. Having said that, it's been kind of a rough week. My port installation went fine but my shoulder was barking like a pack o' hounds. So badly that it sent me back to the surgeon to make sure nothing on the hardware of the port had migrated. If you want to see a picture of what a port looks like, go to this link:
http://www.bardaccess.com/port-arterial.php
So the doctor decided to perform an immediate ultrasound and then sent me across the street to the surgical center to get a chest xray. By the time I took the xray & walked back across the street to his office, the digital xrays were up on his computer monitor. So cool! Everything looked fine, I could see the port under the skin and the catheter that was threaded all they way through the vein, and after talking for a while about what I was doing for the pain, he determined I need to take more drugs...Go figure! The problem is that I'm a lightweight when it comes to pharmaceutical drugs so I tend to take less than the suggested dose. However, I'm learning that pain is a funny thing. If you stay on top of it, you can usually manage it better than if you let it go too long and try to "catch up" to it. So anyways, I was skipping my mid-day dose and was just kinda trying to ride on the coattail of my morning dose, and then taking one before bed. Apparently that wasn't such a good idea. I know now. They also say with chemo to take the anti-nausea meds even if I'm not feeling nauseous so any nausea can get nipped in the bud before it bothers me. The thing is, with the pain meds, it's hard for me to feel so out of it and foggy. I'm trying to feel as normal as possible, be Ryan's mom and Howie's wife on top of all this, and I feel like such a zombie when I'm on em. Having said that though, I realize I need to maybe meet them halfway on this one because when I'm in pain, I'm not myself. And if you're not yourself, you're really not there in the first place. So cliche, so sorry. So anyways, I'm going to try and be a good girl and take my medicine. And really, I saw the surgeon on Tuesday and the port feels significantly better yesterday and today. Well at least it did until they stuck a giant needle in to administer the chemo. But I am being prescribed a topical numbing medicine to help for next time, so I'm looking forward to that. As long as everything lines up and I don't have any adverse reactions, my blood counts look good, and I'm not sick, next time will be 3 Thursdays from today.
I'm off to rest and try take a pill. Thanks for reading and commenting and for being out there for me/us. My love follows you all.
Oh, be sure to check our our Puggle Jojo in her diaper & collar (which she only wears when she's inside and has free reign of the house). Poor girl, she's so over it! But then again, so are we!
Friday, September 19, 2008
The trick, it seems, is to surrender to the flow...
You know what they say about the best laid plans....
We spent the time since the previous post doing all those things we talked about last week. A deep cleaning at the dentist, an annual at the OBGYN (her ovaries look clean but her doc did recommend they be taken out when she does her reconstructive surgery), a chemo 101 class, and lots of other random errands. And then Deb cut her hair - check the photos to the left if you haven't already. She brought Ryan with so the new look wouldn't be a shock and everyone's happy with the results. New sassy short hair Deb. Ryan's running around telling anyone who'll listen, "mama. cut. hair. bye-bye hair."
If you didn't already know, our little girl turned 2 this past Saturday. Can you freakin believe she's 2? Neither can we. The birthday party was a blast. It's so much fun to celebrate with so many fun people. Great company, great food, great beverages. These 2-year old parties are setting the bar pretty high for next year ;) Plus, Papa K and Grandma were here to share the day.
So, this week's been admittedly hectic. Michele and Will arrived just in time for the party last Saturday and have been (thankfully) staying with us since. I'm really getting used to having extra sets of hands as well as good friends to share the occasional "down time". To be honest, Deb would not have been able to get everything she got done last week etc., w/out all the help we've been getting. Our support network here in town, and from the out-of-towners has absolutely made us feel the love.
Medically, here's what's happening...We went yesterday morning to get a port installed under Deb's left collarbone. This is for administering the chemo treatments without having to insert an IV for each treatment. Deb's got crappy veins so the port will help to not make her feel like such a pincushion. It's a fairly common procedure recommended for those who will be enduring any long-term chemotherapy. Anyways, we were being "inserted" into the surgeon's schedule so that we could make it across the street to Deb's first chemo treatment that same morning. We got there at 7:30am only to be told that they didn't have any paperwork on us and that we weren't on the surgery schedule. The surgeon felt horrible and assured us that this was the first time in 20 years his staff "forgot" to schedule a surgery. But, after a pretty minor delay we were admitted and began the pre-op stuff, and then Deb underwent the procedure under general anesthesia and came out the other side just fine. A little drugged, loopy, and out of it but fine. The Sutter Surgery and Maternity Center here in Santa Cruz seems like a top notch place. Really cool nurses. Also very clean and modern with a really friendly staff. 2 complaints to keep it real: no wi-fi and pretty lame cafe. I submitted a comment card about the wi-fi but let the cafe slide since I found $5 on the ground - I figured the sandwich was free anyway...
The port installation went well but we were unable to start chemo. Apparently Deb needs a baseline echocardiogram prior to starting chemo, but there was a misunderstanding/miscommunication and it didn't get done. Some of the meds Deb'll be getting have slight risk of heart issues, so they'll be monitoring that (among other things; blood counts, etc.) throughout the duration of the treatment. We met with Dr. Yen anyways and he was able to clear up a few questions of ours. He's just a really good guy, and absolutely takes the time to help us understand what's going on. He always listens and answers all of our questions with such patience. I also had a chance to meet Kendra, the chemo nurse, and both Deb and I are already very fond of her. A sweet, kind and friendly woman was my first impression. We're realizing that it takes a special brand of human being to work with cancer patients.
We've been fortunate during this time of unfortune with regards to our doctors and nurses. Rebekah, Dr. Chow and Dr. Wapnir up at Stanford were/are awesome. Our team down here is equally as comforting.
The plan as it stands is that Deb will have the echo on Monday afternoon and her first chemo treatment will be this upcoming Thursday. Deb's really sore from having the port installed and still has fluid building up in her chest, so she hasn't been online long enough to do more than post those few new photos here on the blog and edit this post; but she's doing well and is in good spirits - we're both just anxious to get going on this next step of treatment, if only to be beyond it sooner.
We're trying to go with the flow and not get hung up on stupid scheduling issues - like the scheduling mishap that happened with our dog JoJo. Due to another miscommunication (I swear it wasn't my fault), she went into heat the day before her appointment to be spayed. I'll have to post a photo of the puggle with her e-collar and diaper. Another bright side to a lame situation; both Jojo and Ryan wear the same size diaper; though Jojo's needs a hole cut for her tail ;-)
Besides that, life goes on. It's good to be together as a family and here at home in such a lovely place. There are just too many good things to dwell on those things that are less than good. So, we go with the flow. In the face of suckiness, we will prevail!
We spent the time since the previous post doing all those things we talked about last week. A deep cleaning at the dentist, an annual at the OBGYN (her ovaries look clean but her doc did recommend they be taken out when she does her reconstructive surgery), a chemo 101 class, and lots of other random errands. And then Deb cut her hair - check the photos to the left if you haven't already. She brought Ryan with so the new look wouldn't be a shock and everyone's happy with the results. New sassy short hair Deb. Ryan's running around telling anyone who'll listen, "mama. cut. hair. bye-bye hair."
If you didn't already know, our little girl turned 2 this past Saturday. Can you freakin believe she's 2? Neither can we. The birthday party was a blast. It's so much fun to celebrate with so many fun people. Great company, great food, great beverages. These 2-year old parties are setting the bar pretty high for next year ;) Plus, Papa K and Grandma were here to share the day.
So, this week's been admittedly hectic. Michele and Will arrived just in time for the party last Saturday and have been (thankfully) staying with us since. I'm really getting used to having extra sets of hands as well as good friends to share the occasional "down time". To be honest, Deb would not have been able to get everything she got done last week etc., w/out all the help we've been getting. Our support network here in town, and from the out-of-towners has absolutely made us feel the love.
Medically, here's what's happening...We went yesterday morning to get a port installed under Deb's left collarbone. This is for administering the chemo treatments without having to insert an IV for each treatment. Deb's got crappy veins so the port will help to not make her feel like such a pincushion. It's a fairly common procedure recommended for those who will be enduring any long-term chemotherapy. Anyways, we were being "inserted" into the surgeon's schedule so that we could make it across the street to Deb's first chemo treatment that same morning. We got there at 7:30am only to be told that they didn't have any paperwork on us and that we weren't on the surgery schedule. The surgeon felt horrible and assured us that this was the first time in 20 years his staff "forgot" to schedule a surgery. But, after a pretty minor delay we were admitted and began the pre-op stuff, and then Deb underwent the procedure under general anesthesia and came out the other side just fine. A little drugged, loopy, and out of it but fine. The Sutter Surgery and Maternity Center here in Santa Cruz seems like a top notch place. Really cool nurses. Also very clean and modern with a really friendly staff. 2 complaints to keep it real: no wi-fi and pretty lame cafe. I submitted a comment card about the wi-fi but let the cafe slide since I found $5 on the ground - I figured the sandwich was free anyway...
The port installation went well but we were unable to start chemo. Apparently Deb needs a baseline echocardiogram prior to starting chemo, but there was a misunderstanding/miscommunication and it didn't get done. Some of the meds Deb'll be getting have slight risk of heart issues, so they'll be monitoring that (among other things; blood counts, etc.) throughout the duration of the treatment. We met with Dr. Yen anyways and he was able to clear up a few questions of ours. He's just a really good guy, and absolutely takes the time to help us understand what's going on. He always listens and answers all of our questions with such patience. I also had a chance to meet Kendra, the chemo nurse, and both Deb and I are already very fond of her. A sweet, kind and friendly woman was my first impression. We're realizing that it takes a special brand of human being to work with cancer patients.
We've been fortunate during this time of unfortune with regards to our doctors and nurses. Rebekah, Dr. Chow and Dr. Wapnir up at Stanford were/are awesome. Our team down here is equally as comforting.
The plan as it stands is that Deb will have the echo on Monday afternoon and her first chemo treatment will be this upcoming Thursday. Deb's really sore from having the port installed and still has fluid building up in her chest, so she hasn't been online long enough to do more than post those few new photos here on the blog and edit this post; but she's doing well and is in good spirits - we're both just anxious to get going on this next step of treatment, if only to be beyond it sooner.
We're trying to go with the flow and not get hung up on stupid scheduling issues - like the scheduling mishap that happened with our dog JoJo. Due to another miscommunication (I swear it wasn't my fault), she went into heat the day before her appointment to be spayed. I'll have to post a photo of the puggle with her e-collar and diaper. Another bright side to a lame situation; both Jojo and Ryan wear the same size diaper; though Jojo's needs a hole cut for her tail ;-)
Besides that, life goes on. It's good to be together as a family and here at home in such a lovely place. There are just too many good things to dwell on those things that are less than good. So, we go with the flow. In the face of suckiness, we will prevail!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
High Risk but Not Complicated
Good day good people...
We are up at Stanford right now waiting to have some fluid drained. Yesterday we met with Oncologist, Dr. Yen, to discuss Deb's pathology and his proposed treatment.
Due to the size and rapid growth of Deb's tumor and the fact that lymph nodes are involved, the treatment, according to Dr. Yen, will be "tough, but tolerable". He wants to attack it aggressively and quickly. It looks like chemotherapy treatments will begin next Thursday. Deb will receive chemo treatments in 2 phases; every 3 weeks for 4 times for the first round and then another type of chemo 4 times every 3 weeks to be followed by hormone treatments. After chemo treatments will be Radiation. Needless to say, the treatments will likely last between 8 months and a year.
So, before treatment begins, we need to:
1. Take care of this ceroma (fluid build up). That'll get done today and is the reason I'm typing this at Stanford. After that, today we'll also be measured by "Vic" for a clinical study on Lymphodema, for which she's been measured once before. This is just arm measurements to detect potential Lymphodema early.
2. Install a port for the chemo treatment. We got a call this morning from a Dr. David Rose in Santa Cruz and we'll go meet him tomorrow afternoon at 4pm.
3. Haircut - so as to avoid large clumps of long hair falling out and for a (hopefully) easier visual transition for Ryan; who will go with Deb to see the hair being cut.
4. Manicure/Pedicure -- a girl's gotta pamper herself, right? No, seriously, it's a good idea to take care of this before treatments begin to avoid potential infection.
5. Dentist - again, due to the bacteria that's released during regular teeth cleanings, it's advised to do this prior to treatment.
Staring towards the future, knowing that there's a long, tough fight ahead of us is daunting, but we're anxious to begin if only to move past this and get back to the life we know and love. Dr. Yen makes no promises or guarantees, but is reassuring in his acknowledgement of Deb's determination and attitude. When he said that people like her are the reason he went into Oncology it made both of us a little more comfortable with a situation that is so far from comforting.
So that's the news that's fit to print right now. The way things are progressing and developing I'm sure there'll be more to tell soon, but for now, I think that's about it.
Grandma and Papa K should be "Working on a T-bone steak a la carte, Flying over to the golden state" (well, except for the T-bone steak part). We're hoping that we'll be able to make it home before they do, but with the length of our wait here (so far), they might beat us back there. Either way, it'll be really nice to spend some time with them and get to watch them discover their grand-daughter's personality more in person.
Nothing like "waiting" in a "waiting room". Good thing for wi-fi, cell phones, trashy magazines and coffee :)
Thanks again to you all for the tremendous amount of support and food and good vibes - it all contributes to this palpable amount of love that we're feeling and soaking up. You are all incredible people and we value you so much more than words in a blog can communicate.
~Howie
We are up at Stanford right now waiting to have some fluid drained. Yesterday we met with Oncologist, Dr. Yen, to discuss Deb's pathology and his proposed treatment.
Due to the size and rapid growth of Deb's tumor and the fact that lymph nodes are involved, the treatment, according to Dr. Yen, will be "tough, but tolerable". He wants to attack it aggressively and quickly. It looks like chemotherapy treatments will begin next Thursday. Deb will receive chemo treatments in 2 phases; every 3 weeks for 4 times for the first round and then another type of chemo 4 times every 3 weeks to be followed by hormone treatments. After chemo treatments will be Radiation. Needless to say, the treatments will likely last between 8 months and a year.
So, before treatment begins, we need to:
1. Take care of this ceroma (fluid build up). That'll get done today and is the reason I'm typing this at Stanford. After that, today we'll also be measured by "Vic" for a clinical study on Lymphodema, for which she's been measured once before. This is just arm measurements to detect potential Lymphodema early.
2. Install a port for the chemo treatment. We got a call this morning from a Dr. David Rose in Santa Cruz and we'll go meet him tomorrow afternoon at 4pm.
3. Haircut - so as to avoid large clumps of long hair falling out and for a (hopefully) easier visual transition for Ryan; who will go with Deb to see the hair being cut.
4. Manicure/Pedicure -- a girl's gotta pamper herself, right? No, seriously, it's a good idea to take care of this before treatments begin to avoid potential infection.
5. Dentist - again, due to the bacteria that's released during regular teeth cleanings, it's advised to do this prior to treatment.
Staring towards the future, knowing that there's a long, tough fight ahead of us is daunting, but we're anxious to begin if only to move past this and get back to the life we know and love. Dr. Yen makes no promises or guarantees, but is reassuring in his acknowledgement of Deb's determination and attitude. When he said that people like her are the reason he went into Oncology it made both of us a little more comfortable with a situation that is so far from comforting.
So that's the news that's fit to print right now. The way things are progressing and developing I'm sure there'll be more to tell soon, but for now, I think that's about it.
Grandma and Papa K should be "Working on a T-bone steak a la carte, Flying over to the golden state" (well, except for the T-bone steak part). We're hoping that we'll be able to make it home before they do, but with the length of our wait here (so far), they might beat us back there. Either way, it'll be really nice to spend some time with them and get to watch them discover their grand-daughter's personality more in person.
Nothing like "waiting" in a "waiting room". Good thing for wi-fi, cell phones, trashy magazines and coffee :)
Thanks again to you all for the tremendous amount of support and food and good vibes - it all contributes to this palpable amount of love that we're feeling and soaking up. You are all incredible people and we value you so much more than words in a blog can communicate.
~Howie
Saturday, September 6, 2008
What's up with those Finfers?
First and foremost...apologies for not updating this earlier.
Second and nextmost...here's how it looks from here:
We went up to Stanford this past Thursday, September 4th.
Dr. Wapnir, who performed Deb's surgery went on vacation, so we were meeting with her "fellow," Dr. Chow, (who also helped perform the surgery) - who both Deb and I totally dig. Very easy to talk with, which is always a benefit for anyone in the medical profession, let alone a surgeon. Dr. Chow said Deb is healing well and removed her drains. This news came with great relief, until she actually removed the 1st drain. In Deb's words, if she didn't like her (Dr. Chow) so much, she would have hit her. Fortunately, the remaining 2 drains were removed without incident as well. That should alleviate some of Deb's discomfort...
So, now that that was taken care of, on to how Deb's doing in general. That discussion resulted in a slight tweak of the meds Deb's been prescribed and we're hoping that the Percocet treats her better than the Vicodin. Deb is also very fond of the valium. ;)
Next was the initial pathology from the surgery. The finalized version should hopefully be completed in time for our Wednesday visit with Dr. Yen (Oncologist, in Santa Cruz). The tumor was bigger than anyone hoped or expected (except for Deb, who hit it spot on from our first appointments when asked how big she thought it was)anyhow, the tumor came in at 5 1/2 cm. 24 total lymph nodes were removed from her right armpit. Of those, 5 showed cancerous symptoms. We knew of 2 on the day of the surgery, and all that I'm reading tells me that your course of treatment will be the same if even a single node was found to have the characteristics. The thing is, once cancer is found in lymph nodes, the next question that gets asked is, "where did it go from there?" and that's the real question. Dr. Yen will help us try to find that answer. So we're looking at more tests, scans, and the usual annoying path to discovery on these types of things. The course of treatment is also still to be determined, but after speaking with the surgeon and nurses at Stanford, and speaking with Dr. Yen on the phone yesterday afternoon, in addition to the series of scans to see if we can't figure out where, if anywhere, this cancer has spread, a course of chemotherapy will be followed by radiation. Treatment can't begin until Deb's healed from the surgery (which takes about 4 weeks on average or 3 weeks from now +/-). That's the end of September if my counting is right.
So that's about what we know now. Next, as I mentioned, will be to meet with Dr. Yen on Wednesday to go over the full pathology report and begin developing our plan to get Deb healthy again.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch....
Wendy went back to Eureka and it was kind of scary to watch her go. We SO SO SO appreciate that she put her life on hold to come and help with ours. Grateful doesn't quite sum it up.
Mike has been stepping into the role of "toddler caretaker" very gracefully. Ryan has what seems to be a crush on Mike. In fact, after Mike helped me get Ryan into the bath the other night and left just Ryan blurted out "Love Mike". I swear it was the first time I've ever heard her use the "L" word. She's signed it before, but the first verbal use was directed towards him. Gotta love that.
The food continues to roll in. Have I mentioned the food? Personally, and familially speaking, we're just blown away by people's generosity. I could individually list, but you all know who you are and how you have such special delicious places in our hearts.
But, the question on all of our minds, "How's Deb?"...here's my take on "how Deb is":
Deb's fine. She's sore and in some discomfort and on meds still (they make her high) and tired after she does stuff, but she's Deb. She's in good spirits and just trying to gain some sense of normalcy given how abnormal everything has been around her and around here. Basically, it sucks. Cancer sucks. We're just going day by day, trying to have as much fun as possible, which is very real and very normal for people like us.
So you all know, Deb really wanted to write this herself and will read every word of this before you do and I know she just really wants everyone to know how much she appreciates each and every one of you. Your love, support, generosity, friendship and willingness to listen mean so much to her, Ryan and me.
In our continued effort to stay distracted and busy, we'll be hosting Granmda and Papa K starting Thursday and I can't wait for them to hear Ry belt out "Pop K" -- pretty cute stuff. On Saturday the 13th we'll all be here to celebrate Ryan's 2 year birthday and we can't wait!
That's about it for now.
With much love from Sunny (and hot) Santa Cruz,
Howie (& Deb)
Second and nextmost...here's how it looks from here:
We went up to Stanford this past Thursday, September 4th.
Dr. Wapnir, who performed Deb's surgery went on vacation, so we were meeting with her "fellow," Dr. Chow, (who also helped perform the surgery) - who both Deb and I totally dig. Very easy to talk with, which is always a benefit for anyone in the medical profession, let alone a surgeon. Dr. Chow said Deb is healing well and removed her drains. This news came with great relief, until she actually removed the 1st drain. In Deb's words, if she didn't like her (Dr. Chow) so much, she would have hit her. Fortunately, the remaining 2 drains were removed without incident as well. That should alleviate some of Deb's discomfort...
So, now that that was taken care of, on to how Deb's doing in general. That discussion resulted in a slight tweak of the meds Deb's been prescribed and we're hoping that the Percocet treats her better than the Vicodin. Deb is also very fond of the valium. ;)
Next was the initial pathology from the surgery. The finalized version should hopefully be completed in time for our Wednesday visit with Dr. Yen (Oncologist, in Santa Cruz). The tumor was bigger than anyone hoped or expected (except for Deb, who hit it spot on from our first appointments when asked how big she thought it was)anyhow, the tumor came in at 5 1/2 cm. 24 total lymph nodes were removed from her right armpit. Of those, 5 showed cancerous symptoms. We knew of 2 on the day of the surgery, and all that I'm reading tells me that your course of treatment will be the same if even a single node was found to have the characteristics. The thing is, once cancer is found in lymph nodes, the next question that gets asked is, "where did it go from there?" and that's the real question. Dr. Yen will help us try to find that answer. So we're looking at more tests, scans, and the usual annoying path to discovery on these types of things. The course of treatment is also still to be determined, but after speaking with the surgeon and nurses at Stanford, and speaking with Dr. Yen on the phone yesterday afternoon, in addition to the series of scans to see if we can't figure out where, if anywhere, this cancer has spread, a course of chemotherapy will be followed by radiation. Treatment can't begin until Deb's healed from the surgery (which takes about 4 weeks on average or 3 weeks from now +/-). That's the end of September if my counting is right.
So that's about what we know now. Next, as I mentioned, will be to meet with Dr. Yen on Wednesday to go over the full pathology report and begin developing our plan to get Deb healthy again.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch....
Wendy went back to Eureka and it was kind of scary to watch her go. We SO SO SO appreciate that she put her life on hold to come and help with ours. Grateful doesn't quite sum it up.
Mike has been stepping into the role of "toddler caretaker" very gracefully. Ryan has what seems to be a crush on Mike. In fact, after Mike helped me get Ryan into the bath the other night and left just Ryan blurted out "Love Mike". I swear it was the first time I've ever heard her use the "L" word. She's signed it before, but the first verbal use was directed towards him. Gotta love that.
The food continues to roll in. Have I mentioned the food? Personally, and familially speaking, we're just blown away by people's generosity. I could individually list, but you all know who you are and how you have such special delicious places in our hearts.
But, the question on all of our minds, "How's Deb?"...here's my take on "how Deb is":
Deb's fine. She's sore and in some discomfort and on meds still (they make her high) and tired after she does stuff, but she's Deb. She's in good spirits and just trying to gain some sense of normalcy given how abnormal everything has been around her and around here. Basically, it sucks. Cancer sucks. We're just going day by day, trying to have as much fun as possible, which is very real and very normal for people like us.
So you all know, Deb really wanted to write this herself and will read every word of this before you do and I know she just really wants everyone to know how much she appreciates each and every one of you. Your love, support, generosity, friendship and willingness to listen mean so much to her, Ryan and me.
In our continued effort to stay distracted and busy, we'll be hosting Granmda and Papa K starting Thursday and I can't wait for them to hear Ry belt out "Pop K" -- pretty cute stuff. On Saturday the 13th we'll all be here to celebrate Ryan's 2 year birthday and we can't wait!
That's about it for now.
With much love from Sunny (and hot) Santa Cruz,
Howie (& Deb)
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Post-Op appt scheduled for tomorrow...
Hey All,
Apparently, in my drug-induced haze, I was incorrect about my post-op appointment being today. It is in fact tomorrow (Thurs) at 10am. I believe, in addition to receiving the pathology results, I am hopeful my drains will also be removed. At least I hope so. Just wanted to let you know.
Love You All,
Deb
Apparently, in my drug-induced haze, I was incorrect about my post-op appointment being today. It is in fact tomorrow (Thurs) at 10am. I believe, in addition to receiving the pathology results, I am hopeful my drains will also be removed. At least I hope so. Just wanted to let you know.
Love You All,
Deb
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Tuesday AM Update...
I'm sorry it's taken me so long to post again. Recovery has been exhausting,a bit painful, and I've been heavily drugged for the past several days. Not all bad but needless to say, I've been a bit foggy so I haven't been spending much time on the computer. Plus, when you've got 3 drains sticking out of your chest, holding your arms out to type ain't all that comfortable.
Mentally I'm great. From the moment I woke up in the operating room and fully woke up in the recovery room I was smiling and touching (or really more like petting) people and thanking them for waking me up. I was just thrilled to have made it through the surgery. And I didn't think I was all that nervous to be going under but apparently my subconscious was reacting differently.
Emotionally I'm doing pretty well too. It's a weird thing to see giant divots or gaps in your chest where your breasts used to be but then again, I kinda knew what to expect having seen my mom after her mastectomies. I feel a lot worse for Howie and Ryan because let's face it, my body is drastically different and it's shocking to say the least.
Physically I'm getting better and less sore every day. The drugs help. I'm finding that I need to stay on top of them, especially the Valium (muscle relaxer) so that I'm not holding myself so tense. The Vicodin just kinda puts me in a perma-fog but that's ok too since I'm a happy foggy-drugged-girl. I'm a bit swollen and the drains kinda hurt but Wendy and I are getting pretty good at dressing changes, and we don't believe any of my incision and/or drain entries are infected. I have a post-op follow-up visit tomorrow.
The hardest part about all this has been how difficult it has been on Howie and Ryan. Ryan wants me to pick her up, and I'm just not physically able to do that, so that's been really hard on us both. Luckily we are well versed in the art of toddler distraction and I've been able (most of the time anyways) to just take her by the hand and lead her over to the couch, which she can climb up herself, and hold her up there. As for Howie, well, he wants to be able to do everything for me and be in 6 places at once...holding my hand, playing with Ryan, working, cooking, cleaning, folding the laundry, paying the bills etc., but there is only so much he can do and only so many places he can be at one time. Thank goodness for Wendy(a.k.a. Woo) stepping in. She honestly has been a godsend. There are only so many people you can ask to put their lives on hold for you and she has stepped up BIG-TIME. Plus, Ryan adores her. I don't know what we would have done w/o her.
It's been really hard not sleeping with Ryan. We've thrown so much at her these last few weeks and honestly, not only was I not ready to wean Ryan, I also wasn't ready to stop sleeping with her. We're a co-sleeping family but with the surgery, I couldn't risk having her flop onto my chest in the middle of the night so we've had to move her to another room. She's less than thrilled to say the least, and has been getting up extra early to rub it in. She is, for the most part, sleeping through the night but still getting up in the 5'o'clock hour so I'm not sure that counts. She's also more easily frustrated but that could be due to the fact that she's almost 2.
So, many of you have been asking what's next? Well, we're wondering the same thing. At this point we're hung up on the pathology. We have to wait to find out whether or not they got it all, and if not, how and when do we find out where else is has spread? Let's say they did get it all, well, then we'll need to figure out what further treatment I'll need. Given that the cancer did spread past the tumor, it's likely I'll need some chemo and possibly some radiation as well. If the cancer has spread past the lymph nodes, then we need to go look for it via cat scans, blood tests and more crappy doctor visits. So keep your fingers (and maybe some toes) crossed that they got it all. On the whole, I still feel good and positive and ready to take whatever comes next. I'm still not ready to leave my life and/or all of you. I want more time and more love and more life.
I also just need to say a G I A N T thank you to all my friends who have been dropping meals off for us. I can't tell you what a huge relief it is to not have to think about cooking and/or feeding my family right now. You all have gone above and beyond and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
So that's it for now. I'm going to go get dressed and go to the park with my daughter (and Wendy) and resume some semblance of a normal life. But if you think about it, while none of this is "normal," 1 in 8 women face this disease (and treatment) so I really do appreciate the fact that I am not alone in this. That and knowing all of you are out there and pulling for me. And I know I've said it before but it needs to be said again; I've never felt more loved or more supported. So thank you for reading this, for being there, and for all your love and support.
Love,
Deb
Mentally I'm great. From the moment I woke up in the operating room and fully woke up in the recovery room I was smiling and touching (or really more like petting) people and thanking them for waking me up. I was just thrilled to have made it through the surgery. And I didn't think I was all that nervous to be going under but apparently my subconscious was reacting differently.
Emotionally I'm doing pretty well too. It's a weird thing to see giant divots or gaps in your chest where your breasts used to be but then again, I kinda knew what to expect having seen my mom after her mastectomies. I feel a lot worse for Howie and Ryan because let's face it, my body is drastically different and it's shocking to say the least.
Physically I'm getting better and less sore every day. The drugs help. I'm finding that I need to stay on top of them, especially the Valium (muscle relaxer) so that I'm not holding myself so tense. The Vicodin just kinda puts me in a perma-fog but that's ok too since I'm a happy foggy-drugged-girl. I'm a bit swollen and the drains kinda hurt but Wendy and I are getting pretty good at dressing changes, and we don't believe any of my incision and/or drain entries are infected. I have a post-op follow-up visit tomorrow.
The hardest part about all this has been how difficult it has been on Howie and Ryan. Ryan wants me to pick her up, and I'm just not physically able to do that, so that's been really hard on us both. Luckily we are well versed in the art of toddler distraction and I've been able (most of the time anyways) to just take her by the hand and lead her over to the couch, which she can climb up herself, and hold her up there. As for Howie, well, he wants to be able to do everything for me and be in 6 places at once...holding my hand, playing with Ryan, working, cooking, cleaning, folding the laundry, paying the bills etc., but there is only so much he can do and only so many places he can be at one time. Thank goodness for Wendy(a.k.a. Woo) stepping in. She honestly has been a godsend. There are only so many people you can ask to put their lives on hold for you and she has stepped up BIG-TIME. Plus, Ryan adores her. I don't know what we would have done w/o her.
It's been really hard not sleeping with Ryan. We've thrown so much at her these last few weeks and honestly, not only was I not ready to wean Ryan, I also wasn't ready to stop sleeping with her. We're a co-sleeping family but with the surgery, I couldn't risk having her flop onto my chest in the middle of the night so we've had to move her to another room. She's less than thrilled to say the least, and has been getting up extra early to rub it in. She is, for the most part, sleeping through the night but still getting up in the 5'o'clock hour so I'm not sure that counts. She's also more easily frustrated but that could be due to the fact that she's almost 2.
So, many of you have been asking what's next? Well, we're wondering the same thing. At this point we're hung up on the pathology. We have to wait to find out whether or not they got it all, and if not, how and when do we find out where else is has spread? Let's say they did get it all, well, then we'll need to figure out what further treatment I'll need. Given that the cancer did spread past the tumor, it's likely I'll need some chemo and possibly some radiation as well. If the cancer has spread past the lymph nodes, then we need to go look for it via cat scans, blood tests and more crappy doctor visits. So keep your fingers (and maybe some toes) crossed that they got it all. On the whole, I still feel good and positive and ready to take whatever comes next. I'm still not ready to leave my life and/or all of you. I want more time and more love and more life.
I also just need to say a G I A N T thank you to all my friends who have been dropping meals off for us. I can't tell you what a huge relief it is to not have to think about cooking and/or feeding my family right now. You all have gone above and beyond and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
So that's it for now. I'm going to go get dressed and go to the park with my daughter (and Wendy) and resume some semblance of a normal life. But if you think about it, while none of this is "normal," 1 in 8 women face this disease (and treatment) so I really do appreciate the fact that I am not alone in this. That and knowing all of you are out there and pulling for me. And I know I've said it before but it needs to be said again; I've never felt more loved or more supported. So thank you for reading this, for being there, and for all your love and support.
Love,
Deb
Friday, August 29, 2008
Good To Be Home...
Hey All,
Just wanted to let you all know that I'm home and feeling pretty ok. They let me go last night and I can't begin to tell you how good it felt to walk in my front door. Well, you can probably imagine. Anyhow, I'm pretty sore and out of it due to all the pain meds, but I wanted to let you all know that your support has been so incredibly empowering and I am sending giant virtual Deb hugs to you all. Thank you for everything. I'll post more when I have my wits back about me.
Love,
Deb
Just wanted to let you all know that I'm home and feeling pretty ok. They let me go last night and I can't begin to tell you how good it felt to walk in my front door. Well, you can probably imagine. Anyhow, I'm pretty sore and out of it due to all the pain meds, but I wanted to let you all know that your support has been so incredibly empowering and I am sending giant virtual Deb hugs to you all. Thank you for everything. I'll post more when I have my wits back about me.
Love,
Deb
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Going Home
Good day today.
Ryan brought Mike & Wendy to visit and it was great for us all to spend some time together.
Ry totally sat between Deb's legs and just hung out for a while. Then I took her (Ry) down to see this cool model train set they have at the children's hospital. Cool train, sad place. Kids and hospitals just don't "go" together...
When we came back upstairs here Deb was in the hall walking with Mike, Wendy and Rebekah (cool nurse from previous post). Saw Dr. Chow who gave us some prescriptions :-) and then as we were say bye-byes to our visitors, Dr. Wapnir (surgeon) came in. She was very pleased with Deb's progress and said she can go home whenever she's ready.
Bye-bye morphine, hello oral vicodin. If that transition goes smoothly (an hour+ in and all is well -- no pain) then we're free to go. Woo hoo. Not that a hospital bed or 2 chairs pushed together is that bad, but to be home with Ryan in our own bed surrounded by our own stuff....that's what it's all about now. So, we'll see how the next few hours go and then head back to Santa Cruz. And we're both glad about that.
Good day from Stanford,
Howie
Ryan brought Mike & Wendy to visit and it was great for us all to spend some time together.
Ry totally sat between Deb's legs and just hung out for a while. Then I took her (Ry) down to see this cool model train set they have at the children's hospital. Cool train, sad place. Kids and hospitals just don't "go" together...
When we came back upstairs here Deb was in the hall walking with Mike, Wendy and Rebekah (cool nurse from previous post). Saw Dr. Chow who gave us some prescriptions :-) and then as we were say bye-byes to our visitors, Dr. Wapnir (surgeon) came in. She was very pleased with Deb's progress and said she can go home whenever she's ready.
Bye-bye morphine, hello oral vicodin. If that transition goes smoothly (an hour+ in and all is well -- no pain) then we're free to go. Woo hoo. Not that a hospital bed or 2 chairs pushed together is that bad, but to be home with Ryan in our own bed surrounded by our own stuff....that's what it's all about now. So, we'll see how the next few hours go and then head back to Santa Cruz. And we're both glad about that.
Good day from Stanford,
Howie
Update - Thursday, 8/28
Hi all,
Just a quick note to let you know we haven't forgotten about you all...as if..
Deb's doing well; she's impressing everyone (except me, since I expect to be impressed).
She got her catheter out last night (nice) and had her IV taken out of her hand due to pain and our awesome surgeon's nurse Rebekah came in and took care of business; getting the IV done, have the morphine drip added and getting some other prescriptions taken care of. And then we found out she was a Cubs fan to boot...Seriously though, she's been really helpful throughout this all; up to and including a visit this morning.
What else? We've gone for a few walks last night and this morning; just around the floor here, but I can tell it's good for Deb to be up and moving. And then she gets back into bed and rests more. Normally it's not like Deb to fall right asleep but thankfully she's been drifting in and out sleep with relative ease. Thank you hard-core-pharmaceuiticals :-)
Ryan and Wendy are coming up to visit; last night was Ryan's first night EVER away from mommy and dada and while she was sad at times according to Wendy, they made it through the night and I know Deb is very excited to see her. (so am I).
Deb wanted to write & talk on the phone but she's still got to rest. She thanks and loves you all very much.
That's where we're at.
Thanks, Love and GoodVibes flowing from E331B
Just a quick note to let you know we haven't forgotten about you all...as if..
Deb's doing well; she's impressing everyone (except me, since I expect to be impressed).
She got her catheter out last night (nice) and had her IV taken out of her hand due to pain and our awesome surgeon's nurse Rebekah came in and took care of business; getting the IV done, have the morphine drip added and getting some other prescriptions taken care of. And then we found out she was a Cubs fan to boot...Seriously though, she's been really helpful throughout this all; up to and including a visit this morning.
What else? We've gone for a few walks last night and this morning; just around the floor here, but I can tell it's good for Deb to be up and moving. And then she gets back into bed and rests more. Normally it's not like Deb to fall right asleep but thankfully she's been drifting in and out sleep with relative ease. Thank you hard-core-pharmaceuiticals :-)
Ryan and Wendy are coming up to visit; last night was Ryan's first night EVER away from mommy and dada and while she was sad at times according to Wendy, they made it through the night and I know Deb is very excited to see her. (so am I).
Deb wanted to write & talk on the phone but she's still got to rest. She thanks and loves you all very much.
That's where we're at.
Thanks, Love and GoodVibes flowing from E331B
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
(Part 3)
I just saw Deb and guess what?
She's BEAUTIFUL!
Duh...
Anyway, she really did look great, especially with all things considered.
Some pain meds were kicking in and she seemed grateful for that.
Now that I've seen and spoken with her I feel better about letting everyone know what we know.
They took about 15 lymph nodes from the right side and 2 have initially tested positive; we might expect more according to the surgeon. They didn't intentionally take any lymph nodes from the left side but due to the amount of tissue removed, they may have gotten some.
Other than that, the doctor felt that the surgery went well.
Right now Deb is resting with a cup of ice chips. We're waiting for a room in the main hospital to open up. So that she can rest I came back out here to the waiting room.
All in all, I think we're both glad to have at least taken the 1st step towards getting past this. Today is a tough day and we're totally getting through it and getting through it with our chins up and heads held high.
For now that's it. Thanks everyone for all the love and support you're showing. So much love and respect for you all....
Howie
She's BEAUTIFUL!
Duh...
Anyway, she really did look great, especially with all things considered.
Some pain meds were kicking in and she seemed grateful for that.
Now that I've seen and spoken with her I feel better about letting everyone know what we know.
They took about 15 lymph nodes from the right side and 2 have initially tested positive; we might expect more according to the surgeon. They didn't intentionally take any lymph nodes from the left side but due to the amount of tissue removed, they may have gotten some.
Other than that, the doctor felt that the surgery went well.
Right now Deb is resting with a cup of ice chips. We're waiting for a room in the main hospital to open up. So that she can rest I came back out here to the waiting room.
All in all, I think we're both glad to have at least taken the 1st step towards getting past this. Today is a tough day and we're totally getting through it and getting through it with our chins up and heads held high.
For now that's it. Thanks everyone for all the love and support you're showing. So much love and respect for you all....
Howie
(Part 2)
First and foremost, Deb made it through surgery fine.
She's resting and recovering right now.
In the next hour or so they'll move her to a room and we should be able to visit her then.
Expect part 3 later this afternoon...
She's resting and recovering right now.
In the next hour or so they'll move her to a room and we should be able to visit her then.
Expect part 3 later this afternoon...
Today's the day...(part 1)
Hi all,
I'm sitting here in the Ambulatory Surgery Center at the Stanford Cancer Center.
We woke up in the 4 o'clock hour this morning. Left the house by 5 and were here before 6. Palo Alto sunrise from the 3rd floor waiting room.
I'm sitting here in the Ambulatory Surgery Center at the Stanford Cancer Center.
We woke up in the 4 o'clock hour this morning. Left the house by 5 and were here before 6. Palo Alto sunrise from the 3rd floor waiting room.
Deb went into surgery at 7:30 exactly - right on schedule.
We're in good spirits since we both know that we'll make it through this. Somehow I'm not feeling stressed or anxious (that's making me a little nervous I must confess, but...)
They expect the surgery to take about 3 hours, but made sure to promise that they'll take as much time as they need. We saw the surgeon (among other doctors and nurses - one of the anesthesiologists is from MN dontcha know). Dr. Wapnir - the surgeon found us behind the curtain and said she knew it was us - she could tell by the laughter :-) Classic.
So, I'm sitting here, Deb's mom is next to me reading a paper and all is fine.
Ryan was sleeping comfortably with Wendy when we left this morning. We are so grateful to Wendy for coming down from Eureka to help us with Ryan during these few days while Deb will be in the hospital. Ryan and "Woo" are getting along famously :-)
They told us to plan on spending 2 nights here and I'll be with Deb throughout.
We are so touched and moved by the outpouring of love and support from you all. We are so very fortunate to have such amazing, loving people in our world. Seriously; you all rock!
I'll post more later when there's more to post.
I love you - we love you,
Howie
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Our contact info...
Hey All,
Some of you have asked for our contact info and the location of where I'm having my surgery. I will be at Stanford Hospital, the web address is:
http://www.stanfordhospital.com/default
Our home address is:
The Finfer Family
317 Pacheco Ave
Santa Cruz, CA 95062
Our home ph # is 831-462-6674
Howie's email: fishbear1@yahoo.com
Howie's cell#: 831-325-5172
Deb's email: fishbear2@yahoo.com
Deb's cell#: 831-428-4302
Please do not feel the need to send flowers, I suspect I'll be pretty out of it, so while I appreciate the sentiment, you REALLY don't have to.
Much love to you all,
Deb
Some of you have asked for our contact info and the location of where I'm having my surgery. I will be at Stanford Hospital, the web address is:
http://www.stanfordhospital.com/default
Our home address is:
The Finfer Family
317 Pacheco Ave
Santa Cruz, CA 95062
Our home ph # is 831-462-6674
Howie's email: fishbear1@yahoo.com
Howie's cell#: 831-325-5172
Deb's email: fishbear2@yahoo.com
Deb's cell#: 831-428-4302
Please do not feel the need to send flowers, I suspect I'll be pretty out of it, so while I appreciate the sentiment, you REALLY don't have to.
Much love to you all,
Deb
I'm Ready...
I've been meaning to get to this blog for days, but it’s been a little chaotic around here. In addition to all the usual stuff you need to attend to before facing surgery and a decent recovery time, my brother, sister-in-law and nephews came out last week. It was it a really good visit, and a much needed distraction. I'm so glad they came.
So tomorrow is the big day. I actually have to go up to Stanford this afternoon to get some pre-surgery stuff done and then will also have to be there@ 6am tomorrow. I should be at the hospital for 2 nights and then home for the rest of my recovery. It's going to be several weeks before I'm allowed to do much more than lift a gallon of milk, so, after running around after an almost 2-yr-old all day, it’s going to me a while to get used to the down-time. I'm fortunate to have good friends and family who are helping out w/Ryan and helping w/meals and errand-running.
I'm doing ok, in fact, other than the cancer; I've been told I'm a healthy 35 yr old woman. Seriously though, I feel like my head is in the right place and while I don't want to leave Ryan, she's ready. She's completely weaned, she's sleeping through the night, and she's getting more and more comfortable without having me by her side 24/7. I'm ready to just get this over with so we can all move on. I just want to be around to see Ryan's next milestone, hence the anxiety over moving forward.
I'll see my oncologist about 2 weeks after surgery. He'll have the pathology report by then and will assess whether or not I need further treatment i.e. chemo and/or radiation. He suspects I'll need some chemo but since I'm having the double mastectomy, they don't believe I'll need radiation. We shall see.
The good news is that they got my MRI and mammogram results and they don't feel it's spread into the left breast, so that's good. Now all we have to see is whether or not it has spread into my lymph nodes. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I found it early and that it hasn't spread yet. Truth be told, it's a fairly decent sized lump and it's also starting to hurt a little, so I can't say I would be all that surprised to find out it did make it into the lymph nodes. What do they say? Expect the worst but hope for the best? Other good news is that after reviewing my chest x-ray and bloodwork, they don’t feel it’s in my bones or elsewhere in my chest. All promising news.
All in all it's just a really weird time in my life. I've never felt so loved, supported and cared about. It's been really nice to know I've got such good friends and family pulling for me. Howie has been amazing. He has been there EVERY step of the way and I honestly don’t know that I could have gotten through even just this part without him. And I have to admit that I’m a little sad that we have to go through this at all. Oh well, nothing like a crisis to pull everyone together and put everything into perspective, right?
I know many of you have sent emails, text messages or left voicemails that I have not had a chance to reply to. Please forgive me, I only have so much time to spend on the computer and phone. I just wanted to acknowledge them (and you). Those calls, text messages and emails mean a great deal to me.
So, my eye is on the prize…get through the surgery, hospital stay, recovery, and then chemo or further treatment if necessary. Then, maybe a few months or maybe a year down line I’ll do some reconstructive surgery. But for now, I’m just going to get through tomorrow and then the day after that and the day after that etc. Thank you all for your love, support, and belief that I will beat this. I am so proud to know you all and so amazed at what a wonderful group of friends and family I’ve been blessed with.
Much Love To You All,
Deb
P.S. Many have you have been asking about the breast cancer t-shirt that Ryan is wearing in the picture on top of this blog. Well, my friend Brigette made it for me and if any of you are interested in having her make one for you or your toddler, I can put you in touch with her.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Chinese Food For Dinner Tonight...
Sorry I haven't had a chance to post till now, we were stuck at Stanford, and then in traffic all day yesterday. And then my brother, sister-in-law, and nephews came in late last night. Anyhow...the visit to Stanford went well. It started with meeting a potential plastic surgeon to go over various reconstructive options and just to feel him out. Going in there I had all but decided to push back the reconstructive surgery, and after talking with Dr. Lee, I feel even more confident that that's the right thing to do. After we met w/Dr. Lee, we then met my breast surgeon, Dr. Wapnir, and signed a consent form to schedule surgery for Wednesday, August 27th. I have decided to have the double mastectomy, and now that the decision has been made, the decision feels right. You know when you're at a restaurant and you're having trouble deciding between 2 things and then order 1 of them and as the waiter walks away, you regret your choice? Well, that didn't happen to me. I gave this a great deal of thought. I talked to a lot of people. I researched as much as I could handle and it might sound like I'm trying to justify my decision but it feels right to me. I just don't think I'm going to be comfortable any other way. Now I can move on to the next hurdle.
I want you all to know something...I don't have an impending sense of doom or like I have a dark cloud following me. I haven't asked "why me?" I just want to get through this, and get back to living a life that I love. That's how it is for me. I'm trying to focus on what's important, and this situation has made it abundantly clear as to what is important to me. Living. Living and my commitment to my life and the people that I love and want more time with. You, reading this.
Sorry I don't have time to write more, there's a lot going on right now. Thank you all for your support, encouragement, and love.
I want you all to know something...I don't have an impending sense of doom or like I have a dark cloud following me. I haven't asked "why me?" I just want to get through this, and get back to living a life that I love. That's how it is for me. I'm trying to focus on what's important, and this situation has made it abundantly clear as to what is important to me. Living. Living and my commitment to my life and the people that I love and want more time with. You, reading this.
Sorry I don't have time to write more, there's a lot going on right now. Thank you all for your support, encouragement, and love.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Decisions, Decisions…
My gut is still telling me to go w/the double mastectomy. I feel like I should listen to my gut but at the same time, it’s not as though my gut (or any other part of me) has ever gone to medical school…so I have to determine if it is indeed intuition and not fear talking. And even if it is fear talking, will I be comfortable with my decision? I wish there was a way to know whether the cancer has spread before I have to make a decision on what kind of surgery to have. And unfortunately, there’s really no way of them knowing until they’re inside already.
As for the reconstructive surgery, I am almost positive I am going to put it off a few months. I don’t really want implants (a.k.a. fake boobs) but at the same time, it might be easier…at least easier than removing tissue from my tummy and putting in my chest (doing that would create a more realistic silhouette). But that’s a much more serious surgery and a much longer recovery. I say wait on the reconstructive surgery, get over the mastectomy, do the chemo and/or radiation (and we won’t know what I’ll need until they have removed the tumor etc.) and then give myself a few months to gear up for the reconstruction surgery. I guess part of my decision to delay reconstructive surgery has to do with the fact that I’m not ready to leave Ryan for an 8 day hospital visit and a pretty serious recovery period at home. At least not yet. She just started sleeping through the night. We’re working on the entirely new skill (to her at least) of learning how to fall asleep by herself-no rocking or shushing or any parental involvement in the falling asleep process, and that takes time. I don't want to overwhelm her but at the same time I know my health has to be paramount right now. However, as a mother, as many of you know, you tend to put the needs of your child before your own. Anyhow, I also feel like in 6 months to a year, she won’t require being picked up as much and will be in a better sleep routine.
On a brighter note, Ryan and I are doing really well with the weaning. She has her moments of frustration, but she is asking for “mommy milk” less and less. And I must admit, while I’m still having a tough time emotionally, it is getting a little easier physically. I just wasn’t quite ready to stop nursing her. I can’t seem to get over that one, but I will. And Howie put it well when he said I was having a hard time with Ryan developing and growing up so quickly, but I suspect this will be something I am going to have to deal with for the rest of my life as a mom.
That’s it for now. I promise to let you all know what gets decided and what the results are from all the tests etc., thanks for listening. Love to you all.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Opposites
Did you ever see the Opposites episode of Elmo's World?
That's what weaning Ryan has been reminding me of. It's just like learning to nurse, but the exact opposite. Well, not exactly, but pretty close. If you think learning to do something is hard, just try to stop doing what you worked so hard to master...
Deb and Ryan have made HUGE strides in the past few days. Ry's down to a one-a-day nursing plan and has really been adjusting quite nicely I'm glad to report. So many times I expect her to immediately ask for milk from Deb, and she just doesn't. Like before we go up for bath and bed, normally Deb would nurse her and then I would go upstairs with her. Last night, Deb read a couple books with Ry and then said it was time for night-night and Ryan began the "hug" ritual...this is where she'll walk about half way to the stairs and say "hug" and then run back to Deb for just that. She may do that a half dozen times before actually ascending the stairs. And then yell "bye bye" the whole way up the stairs. So, Ryan's adjusting well, and that's kind of hard for mama...That Ryan is growing and developing so much so quickly....it's awesome. It's cool and exactly what we're working for as parents, but it's sad too. Really makes me think about how little and dependent she was so recently and how much she's not a baby, but more of a little girl now. C-razy! Another "careful what you wish for..." (as if you had a choice in the matter...) Choices - that's a whole other blog topic for the future....
So Ryan fully slept through the night on Friday for the first time ever. We were so excited we got up at 5:45 to celebrate with some breakfast and a big long walk with Jojo.
Oooh, speaking of breakfast, big props to Matty & Jen out in Jersey for the bagels. In the words of my daughter, "Nice. Sweet."
Anyway, these walks with Jojo that I speak of...they are quite therapeutic, for all parties. It's fun for Ryan to sing and snack and point out the sights (stopsigns and fire hydrants get call outs a lot), but the most excitement comes from spotting and shouting "Boat!" and even better, "BIKE!". She loves bikes and spots them everywhere...besides the enjoyment of all that, it's good to get out and enjoy the neighborhood and get the puggle some exercise. She's a much better dog after she gets a couple walks in her.
So, I just wanted to throw some more words out there and let you all know that we're doing fine. Ryan was able to nap this weekend without Deb, which is another huge developmental milestone in my eyes, and I got to share nap time while Deb walked with Jojo. Nice. Sweet. 2 naps for daddy this weekend. Now that's worth blogging about...
I feel I'd be negligent if I didn't thank everyone for their love and support already. We really love and appreciate you all.
That's what weaning Ryan has been reminding me of. It's just like learning to nurse, but the exact opposite. Well, not exactly, but pretty close. If you think learning to do something is hard, just try to stop doing what you worked so hard to master...
Deb and Ryan have made HUGE strides in the past few days. Ry's down to a one-a-day nursing plan and has really been adjusting quite nicely I'm glad to report. So many times I expect her to immediately ask for milk from Deb, and she just doesn't. Like before we go up for bath and bed, normally Deb would nurse her and then I would go upstairs with her. Last night, Deb read a couple books with Ry and then said it was time for night-night and Ryan began the "hug" ritual...this is where she'll walk about half way to the stairs and say "hug" and then run back to Deb for just that. She may do that a half dozen times before actually ascending the stairs. And then yell "bye bye" the whole way up the stairs. So, Ryan's adjusting well, and that's kind of hard for mama...That Ryan is growing and developing so much so quickly....it's awesome. It's cool and exactly what we're working for as parents, but it's sad too. Really makes me think about how little and dependent she was so recently and how much she's not a baby, but more of a little girl now. C-razy! Another "careful what you wish for..." (as if you had a choice in the matter...) Choices - that's a whole other blog topic for the future....
So Ryan fully slept through the night on Friday for the first time ever. We were so excited we got up at 5:45 to celebrate with some breakfast and a big long walk with Jojo.
Oooh, speaking of breakfast, big props to Matty & Jen out in Jersey for the bagels. In the words of my daughter, "Nice. Sweet."
Anyway, these walks with Jojo that I speak of...they are quite therapeutic, for all parties. It's fun for Ryan to sing and snack and point out the sights (stopsigns and fire hydrants get call outs a lot), but the most excitement comes from spotting and shouting "Boat!" and even better, "BIKE!". She loves bikes and spots them everywhere...besides the enjoyment of all that, it's good to get out and enjoy the neighborhood and get the puggle some exercise. She's a much better dog after she gets a couple walks in her.
So, I just wanted to throw some more words out there and let you all know that we're doing fine. Ryan was able to nap this weekend without Deb, which is another huge developmental milestone in my eyes, and I got to share nap time while Deb walked with Jojo. Nice. Sweet. 2 naps for daddy this weekend. Now that's worth blogging about...
I feel I'd be negligent if I didn't thank everyone for their love and support already. We really love and appreciate you all.
Friday, August 8, 2008
The cancer game show…
First off I just wanted to thank you all for your amazing support, encouragement, and all the love you have shown us over these last few days. Thanks too for the many days, weeks, months, and years of love and friendship preceding them. I feel so incredibly blessed to have so many wonderful people in our world, and while I might not have the time to thank you all individually please know that I am eternally grateful for you, and most appreciative of all the offer(s) to help.
This has been hard on me but I think somehow it’s been harder on some of you. You might think it’s morbid to have thought it, but I just always had this sneaking suspicion I’d eventually develop breast cancer. I don’t want to say I was waiting for it, and I especially wasn’t expecting it to happen at 35, but somehow the diagnosis didn’t shock me. Having said that, I want you all to know that I have every intention of beating this. I am hopeful that it has been found early and is not life-threatening. Either way, I have made up my mind to get through it, and I have to echo my mom here, there is no other choice for me. 23 years ago I watched my mom courageously battle and beat this disease. 1 in 8 women will develop breast cancer. I am empowered by technology, friendship, love, and hope.
My biggest obstacle right now is all the decisions that need to be made. There are so many options and let’s face it, “options” I’m comfortable with, decisions not so much…especially when there’s such finality behind the most of the decisions. I thought I knew what I wanted but after speaking with the surgeon today, and her throwing a plethora of options at me, well, now I’m not so sure. I don’t want to overreact. I want to be comfortable with the decision I make AND have it be medically justified. No one is telling me what to do, which is good in a way, but it’s also very intimidating. I don’t want to make a choice out of fear but then again my instinct is telling me to go for the mastectomy. I am 35 years old, when I get over this, I am going to have a lot of years left, and I don’t want to be looking over my shoulder and waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s as if I’m on some kind of twisted cancer game show, and the host is looking at me and asking if this is my final answer.
Basically the survival/success rates of having a lumpectomy (partial removal of the breast tissue in addition to the tumor) vs. mastectomy (removal of the entire breast) are basically neck and neck. The issue lies in whether or not the cancer has spread, which unfortunately they won’t know until they actually get in there, remove the tumor, and biopsy the lymph nodes. My feeling is that I should not make a decision just because I’m scared and ignore all the data. Howie and I have spent a lot of time talking and going over our options. We haven’t made any decisions yet, and probably won’t until we get the results from the MRI, gene testing, and a consultation with a plastic surgeon regarding breast re-construction surgery. We meet with the plastic surgeon next Friday; I’ll also have a bi-lateral MRI that same day. I am also going to be tested for the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes (short for BReast CAncer Gene 1 and 2). Mutation of these genes is associated with an increased risk of breast and ovarian cancers. Men and women with altered versions of BRCA1 or BRCA2 are at a higher risk of developing breast cancer compared to men and women who have normal BRCA genes. However, only 4 to 9 percent of breast cancer diagnoses made each year are thought to be inherited, and only a fraction of these cases have been linked to BRCA gene mutations. So really, even testing positively for the gene will only tell me so much and may or may not influence my decision to have the mastectomy. And if I do decide on the mastectomy, I have to figure out exactly what kind of mastectomy I want and what kind of reconstructive surgery I want as well. Whatever I decide, I promise to keep you all updated on any decisions we make and any information we get from the various doctors.
For the most part I am ok, not with cancer, but with the getting through every day. However, having to wean Ryan has been pretty brutal…on both of us. My good friend Sam said it best, “I’m trying to break the habit without breaking her heart,” or mine, and needless to say, it’s been a very emotional week. I was planning on weaning Ryan eventually, like when she’s 12, but I suspect that I am grieving for her babyhood, and was having a hard time letting go of it. I worked so hard to nurse, and I guess a part of me really resents the fact that I have to stop now, and that it’s not by my own choosing. It’s also at an accelerated rate, and with every other emotion so heightened by the cancer diagnosis, it’s been difficult to say the least.
Before I sign off I wanted to address a couple of your emailed questions in one forum. Comments on this blog are not only appreciated, poured (and sometimes cried) over, but they are highly anticipated and greatly welcomed. They also help in more ways than one…comments allow me to not feel so overwhelmed by individual emails (or phone calls), although you are welcome to send those too, it’s just that I am finding it difficult to write or call back everyone in a timely manner and this blog allows me to just spit it out in one sitting. Granted, it’s very stream of consciousness but if you’re reading this and know Howie and me, you shouldn’t be surprised by that. Anyhow, if you would like to comment, and we definitely encourage it, scroll to the bottom of the post you want to respond to, in very tiny lettering below our sign off, you will see “Deb
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
First Post
Hi Everyone.
I created this blog so that we can communicate our happenings with you, the people that we know, love and want to keep in the loop.
As you may or may not yet know, Deb was diagnosed with Breast Cancer on August 1. Yes, Jerry Day will be forever scarred in our memories.
Here's how I remember it thus far. Some weeks back, Deb told me she felt a lump in her right breast. She let me feel it. It felt lumpy. Her primary care physician advised her to go through a cycle and see if it diminished; possibly a clogged milk duct. After her period, when the lump was still there, she need to get an ultrasound. Can't mammogram a nursing mom. Ultrasound showed that it needed to be checked more.
Thursday, July 30 we went to Dominican Breast Center in Santa Cruz where they attempted to aspirate the lump with a needle. The goal here is to pull liquid from the lump. If they were able to that would have proven that the lump was not solid, but no liquid came out. Next step is to biopsy the tissue. They use a larger needle and take what's called a "core biopsy". The results were to take 48 business hours. i.e. Monday we'd know more.
Friday, Aug 1 we went to meet old Slavin family friends, the DeCuir's (sorry, might be spelled wrong, but certainly not out of disrespect) at the SanFrancisco Zoo. We were having an enjoyable enough visit when my phone vibrated from an unfamiliar number. Normally I don't answer those calls, but saw it was from the 831 and decided to pick it up. It was Dr. Herman, our primary care physician asking if we were in town - she wanted to come to the house. Instantly I'm asking what's up and she only said that she didn't want to talk on the phone and to call her when we get home and not to mention anything to Deb. Ugh.
So we drove from the Zoo down highway 1...Deb drove, I sat in the back seat not saying much staring at the ocean. When we got home, I called Dr. Herman who was knocking on our door less than 15 minutes later. She apologized for the bad news she was delivering, but once she found out, couldn't let us wait until Monday to hear this news from the radiologist, who we have no relationship with. Above and beyond the call of duty - making a house call after 6pm on a Friday.
We took the rest of the weekend in stride as much as possible and went to meet Oncologist, Dr. Yen on Monday afternoon. He is young and was very communicative and clear (and wore one of the nicest business shirt I've ever come close to touching ;-) Anyway, he went over our treatment options with us and answered our questions. He's referred us to a surgeon at Stanford, with whom we'll meet tomorrow morning at 9:15 to solidify our situation and scheduling for treating this.
For the most part, we're in good spirits. We'll put our heads down and beat this thing. Every single day. Almost immediately Deb has had to begun weaning Ryan....first by eliminating the night feedings and at this point, Ryan is only nursing right before bed and right when she wakes up. It's unfortunate that we're forced to wean, and at a rather stressful time, but we're all glad that Deb's been able to supply nutritious mama-milk for almost 2 years. I can't begin to communicate how proud I am of her (and Ryan) for learning to nurse and sticking with it EVERY DAY for so long. Ryan is lucky to have such a dedicated maternal figure in her world.
Besides our obvious concern for Deb's health is our concern for how this will effect Ryan - not just in her future as a girl and woman, but how this time of adversity will undoubtedly create a more unsettled world for her in the coming days. We'll do what we have to do and are very fortunate to have an excellent support group of family and friends and an amazing roll model in Deb's Mom so close to us. Many of you may know that Diana herself is a Breast Cancer survivor of over 20 years. Inspiration indeed.
The purpose of this blog is so that Deb doesn't need to tell the same thing to a bunch of people everyday - we love that you're all concerned and interested, but this will be a better method for us to make sure everyone is in the loop throughout this time. My hope is that eventually this space becomes one where we can share the cool awesome fun things that we do as a family. I look forward to many posts about how many ducks we fed at the pond and what we ate for dinner last night, etc...but until then, it's our space to share our happenings, thoughts, plans, feelings and observations with you all.
I created this blog so that we can communicate our happenings with you, the people that we know, love and want to keep in the loop.
As you may or may not yet know, Deb was diagnosed with Breast Cancer on August 1. Yes, Jerry Day will be forever scarred in our memories.
Here's how I remember it thus far. Some weeks back, Deb told me she felt a lump in her right breast. She let me feel it. It felt lumpy. Her primary care physician advised her to go through a cycle and see if it diminished; possibly a clogged milk duct. After her period, when the lump was still there, she need to get an ultrasound. Can't mammogram a nursing mom. Ultrasound showed that it needed to be checked more.
Thursday, July 30 we went to Dominican Breast Center in Santa Cruz where they attempted to aspirate the lump with a needle. The goal here is to pull liquid from the lump. If they were able to that would have proven that the lump was not solid, but no liquid came out. Next step is to biopsy the tissue. They use a larger needle and take what's called a "core biopsy". The results were to take 48 business hours. i.e. Monday we'd know more.
Friday, Aug 1 we went to meet old Slavin family friends, the DeCuir's (sorry, might be spelled wrong, but certainly not out of disrespect) at the SanFrancisco Zoo. We were having an enjoyable enough visit when my phone vibrated from an unfamiliar number. Normally I don't answer those calls, but saw it was from the 831 and decided to pick it up. It was Dr. Herman, our primary care physician asking if we were in town - she wanted to come to the house. Instantly I'm asking what's up and she only said that she didn't want to talk on the phone and to call her when we get home and not to mention anything to Deb. Ugh.
So we drove from the Zoo down highway 1...Deb drove, I sat in the back seat not saying much staring at the ocean. When we got home, I called Dr. Herman who was knocking on our door less than 15 minutes later. She apologized for the bad news she was delivering, but once she found out, couldn't let us wait until Monday to hear this news from the radiologist, who we have no relationship with. Above and beyond the call of duty - making a house call after 6pm on a Friday.
We took the rest of the weekend in stride as much as possible and went to meet Oncologist, Dr. Yen on Monday afternoon. He is young and was very communicative and clear (and wore one of the nicest business shirt I've ever come close to touching ;-) Anyway, he went over our treatment options with us and answered our questions. He's referred us to a surgeon at Stanford, with whom we'll meet tomorrow morning at 9:15 to solidify our situation and scheduling for treating this.
For the most part, we're in good spirits. We'll put our heads down and beat this thing. Every single day. Almost immediately Deb has had to begun weaning Ryan....first by eliminating the night feedings and at this point, Ryan is only nursing right before bed and right when she wakes up. It's unfortunate that we're forced to wean, and at a rather stressful time, but we're all glad that Deb's been able to supply nutritious mama-milk for almost 2 years. I can't begin to communicate how proud I am of her (and Ryan) for learning to nurse and sticking with it EVERY DAY for so long. Ryan is lucky to have such a dedicated maternal figure in her world.
Besides our obvious concern for Deb's health is our concern for how this will effect Ryan - not just in her future as a girl and woman, but how this time of adversity will undoubtedly create a more unsettled world for her in the coming days. We'll do what we have to do and are very fortunate to have an excellent support group of family and friends and an amazing roll model in Deb's Mom so close to us. Many of you may know that Diana herself is a Breast Cancer survivor of over 20 years. Inspiration indeed.
The purpose of this blog is so that Deb doesn't need to tell the same thing to a bunch of people everyday - we love that you're all concerned and interested, but this will be a better method for us to make sure everyone is in the loop throughout this time. My hope is that eventually this space becomes one where we can share the cool awesome fun things that we do as a family. I look forward to many posts about how many ducks we fed at the pond and what we ate for dinner last night, etc...but until then, it's our space to share our happenings, thoughts, plans, feelings and observations with you all.
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