Decisions, Decisions…

Ok, as you might have guessed, I’ve been doing A LOT of thinking. I feel like I’m closer to my decision than ever before but also feel like I want more information before I fully commit to anything. And unfortunately there is only so much information I am going to have access to before I have to make my mind up. I’ve got the gene testing today, and tomorrow we go up to Stanford. We’ll first meet with the reconstructive/plastic surgeon in the morning, and then we’re off to an informal meeting with my other surgeon’s nurse coordinator to tentatively schedule the surgery (whatever surgery I decide on) shortly thereafter. Then it’s off to a mammogram and finally an MRI. Friday is going to be a long, busy day but I’m anxious to move forward, if only to put this all behind me.

My gut is still telling me to go w/the double mastectomy. I feel like I should listen to my gut but at the same time, it’s not as though my gut (or any other part of me) has ever gone to medical school…so I have to determine if it is indeed intuition and not fear talking. And even if it is fear talking, will I be comfortable with my decision? I wish there was a way to know whether the cancer has spread before I have to make a decision on what kind of surgery to have. And unfortunately, there’s really no way of them knowing until they’re inside already.

As for the reconstructive surgery, I am almost positive I am going to put it off a few months. I don’t really want implants (a.k.a. fake boobs) but at the same time, it might be easier…at least easier than removing tissue from my tummy and putting in my chest (doing that would create a more realistic silhouette). But that’s a much more serious surgery and a much longer recovery. I say wait on the reconstructive surgery, get over the mastectomy, do the chemo and/or radiation (and we won’t know what I’ll need until they have removed the tumor etc.) and then give myself a few months to gear up for the reconstruction surgery. I guess part of my decision to delay reconstructive surgery has to do with the fact that I’m not ready to leave Ryan for an 8 day hospital visit and a pretty serious recovery period at home. At least not yet. She just started sleeping through the night. We’re working on the entirely new skill (to her at least) of learning how to fall asleep by herself-no rocking or shushing or any parental involvement in the falling asleep process, and that takes time. I don't want to overwhelm her but at the same time I know my health has to be paramount right now. However, as a mother, as many of you know, you tend to put the needs of your child before your own. Anyhow, I also feel like in 6 months to a year, she won’t require being picked up as much and will be in a better sleep routine.

On a brighter note, Ryan and I are doing really well with the weaning. She has her moments of frustration, but she is asking for “mommy milk” less and less. And I must admit, while I’m still having a tough time emotionally, it is getting a little easier physically. I just wasn’t quite ready to stop nursing her. I can’t seem to get over that one, but I will. And Howie put it well when he said I was having a hard time with Ryan developing and growing up so quickly, but I suspect this will be something I am going to have to deal with for the rest of my life as a mom.

That’s it for now. I promise to let you all know what gets decided and what the results are from all the tests etc., thanks for listening. Love to you all.