Ryan is afraid of the big bad wolf. We're trying to teach her to be brave. It's a good lesson, and one I might do well to pay attention to. I guess you could say that I'm feeling pretty anxious about radiation starting tomorrow. It's just that the last week and a half has been really good...for me, for Ryan, and for Howie. I was starting to feel like myself again-or at least like I was on my way back. The last month or so of chemo worked me. I don't know that I could have taken much more, so it's good that it stopped when it did. In addition to all of the chemo side effects (or maybe due to the chemo side effects) I was just feeling so disconnected...from myself, my family, and all of you. I was angry and I was toxic. I guess I'm just not looking forward to feeling crappy again. I know that radiation is supposed to be a lot less invasive than chemo but I think, having really not felt well for the last 7+ months, and then catching a glimpse of what it feels like to feel normal, well I guess I'm just nervous. Albeit maybe unnecessarily so. I think going to the radiation "trial-run" on Friday spooked me. And now that it's the night before it's starting to sink in again. I'm doing my best to muster up some courage and be brave but admittedly doing so with difficulty. I have 5 and 1/2 weeks to wrap my head around this and get a firmer grip. Maybe I won't feel too bad. Maybe it'll pass quickly. Maybe I'll start taking more anti-anxiety meds.
On a brighter note, I've been told, by the few people I've talked to on the phone and seen in person, that I'm starting to sound like myself again. And I'll very quickly admit that the last week+ has been really good. I've been able to think straight, have energy to climb up play structures with Ryan, laugh, cook etc. I haven't felt this good for a long time. I've been spending a lot of time with Ryan. My mom had her hip replacement surgery on the 19th and was in the hospital and rehab facility all last week. She's back home now and is sore and hurting, but doing well. Anyhow, ever since I started chemo, my mom has been helping with Ryan in the mornings so I could sleep in and get as must rest as I needed. She's been a godsend, and absolutely necessary. Howie has been able to work from home when needed as well, and various friends (thank you-you know who you are) have pitched in throughout this whole ordeal. However, this last week was the first week I was an almost full-time parent again. My sister-in-law came out last weekend with my youngest nephew to help w/Ry while my mom was recovering (thank you Stacy) but she left Monday. Anyhow, I haven't been alone with Ryan for more than a few hours since September. But we did really well. Howie says Ryan is obviously happier to see me "back," I think so too.
I'm anxious to be done with all of this, I'm pretty tired of it. It will be good to be done. Until then, please keep me in your thoughts, send out some positive vibes and if you're so inclined, say a prayer for me. Just knowing you're reading this fills my eyes and touches my heart. Thank you all for being there for me and for my family.
Much Love,
Deb
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Really?
It's a Thursday night and all is relatively calm here on Pacheco Ave...
Deb is up putting Ryan to sleep and I'm on the couch with laptop on lap goofing off with my latest obsession - facebook...what a distraction that site is. That I was just sitting here joining the Winkelman Elementary School group made me realize something...I have some "free" time. What's that?
This past week has been rough, and continues to be a challenging time. But, frankly, we've been challenged a great deal lately, so that helps us with perspective. My wife, my love, my Deb is beginning to show long since seen signs of her past, pre-cancerous self. By that, what I mean, is just being able to laugh or relax a bit; if only a little.
Here's the deal; today being Thursday, for the past 12 weeks, every Thursday, Deb's gotten infused with the Taxol that makes her feel so crummy. Each week, and less so as the weeks progressed, she would almost regain her "self", just in time to go and get resaturated. That today is Thursday and she didn't get an infusion allows us- allows her -to begin to seriously recuperate. Her progress can be measured in wit, which I'm so glad to see returning. It's been really hard for Deb, and for me to watch, to not be able to find the words a lot of the time lately. Make no mistake, the chemo treatments are IN-TENSE. People will say something like, "I can't even imagine what it's like" and all I can think is, first "don't" and second, "I can't even explain"...it's survival mode - you do what you need to because it's all you can do. But still, I find myself saying the same types of things to friends in similar situations - and YES, it's unfortunate that not only is our family going through this, but our good friends Sarah, Dan and Marek are having to realize the the raw and relentless therapy that is chemo.
That's not to say that today was without reality in the form of a doctor visit...Today, Deb got a CT scan to map out the locations for her forthcoming radiation therapy. While both of us understand the road goes on forever, we're so extremely grateful to be beyond the chemo portion of the program.
Ok, I think that might be just about enough rambling from these fingers tonight. Once again, I want to thank you all and let you know how much we appreciate your concern, support and love. That's what it's all about (but don't tell Ryan, she's convinced the hokey pokey is what it's all about).
and for the record...this may very well be the most rambling and tangential post to date...but, if you can decipher through my Thursday night, panic-watching messaging, you'll find there are some quality tidbits of news and substance.
Deb is up putting Ryan to sleep and I'm on the couch with laptop on lap goofing off with my latest obsession - facebook...what a distraction that site is. That I was just sitting here joining the Winkelman Elementary School group made me realize something...I have some "free" time. What's that?
This past week has been rough, and continues to be a challenging time. But, frankly, we've been challenged a great deal lately, so that helps us with perspective. My wife, my love, my Deb is beginning to show long since seen signs of her past, pre-cancerous self. By that, what I mean, is just being able to laugh or relax a bit; if only a little.
Here's the deal; today being Thursday, for the past 12 weeks, every Thursday, Deb's gotten infused with the Taxol that makes her feel so crummy. Each week, and less so as the weeks progressed, she would almost regain her "self", just in time to go and get resaturated. That today is Thursday and she didn't get an infusion allows us- allows her -to begin to seriously recuperate. Her progress can be measured in wit, which I'm so glad to see returning. It's been really hard for Deb, and for me to watch, to not be able to find the words a lot of the time lately. Make no mistake, the chemo treatments are IN-TENSE. People will say something like, "I can't even imagine what it's like" and all I can think is, first "don't" and second, "I can't even explain"...it's survival mode - you do what you need to because it's all you can do. But still, I find myself saying the same types of things to friends in similar situations - and YES, it's unfortunate that not only is our family going through this, but our good friends Sarah, Dan and Marek are having to realize the the raw and relentless therapy that is chemo.
That's not to say that today was without reality in the form of a doctor visit...Today, Deb got a CT scan to map out the locations for her forthcoming radiation therapy. While both of us understand the road goes on forever, we're so extremely grateful to be beyond the chemo portion of the program.
Ok, I think that might be just about enough rambling from these fingers tonight. Once again, I want to thank you all and let you know how much we appreciate your concern, support and love. That's what it's all about (but don't tell Ryan, she's convinced the hokey pokey is what it's all about).
and for the record...this may very well be the most rambling and tangential post to date...but, if you can decipher through my Thursday night, panic-watching messaging, you'll find there are some quality tidbits of news and substance.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Seven Months and Four Days Later
Today is a milestone.
Sometimes it's a challenge to muster even a smile as an acknowledgment of a feat accomplished. That was the case today. While definitely (and don't underestimate the definitive qualities of that "definitely") relieved to be complete with the toxic infusion portion of the program, it's a bittersweet victory; if one could even call it that.
Doing what needs to be done has been the name of the game for more than a half dozen moons. The cumulative effects of everything (and don't underestimate the all-encompassingness of that "everything") has Deb (us all, really) craving, more than ever, the normal that once was - as if we were ever what anyone would consider "normal".
Enough pontification...here's the scoop:
Today, Deb got her final administration of Taxol. She's now been through 24 weeks of receiving chemo infusions. As the time has passed, we've adapted into this new normal, which consists of Deb resting A LOT, and Ryan spending more and more time with her Nini; and both of them are loving the opportunity to bond every morning and then some. All of that, combined with the winter rains have made for a rough bunch of weeks around here. I continue to tangent. Let me talk about Deb and her treatment; where it is and where it's going....
Next week she'll get a CT scan so they can map out the points to radiate. 2 weeks after that she'll begin radiation therapy. This is a really high powered, very focused laser kind of thing that blasts the specific area of the tumor and inflicted lymph nodes. It's like 10 minutes a day, every weekday for 5 1/2 weeks. The treatment is very different from the chemo therapy as the radiation is extremely localized; hence no full body pain/sickness. There are side effects however, which include skin burns or rashes,swelling, scar tissue, and continued exhaustion. I'm sure some of you (Jennie B) know WAY more about this than us, but that's the gist of it.
As for the residual effects of the chemo. The doctor this morning said that it's likely that Deb won't feel at full strength for some months yet, but it's a relief to know that as I type this we have no plans of infusing her with more toxic chemicals - just radioactive material...what a relief.
In addition to the radiation therapy, Deb will receive Herceptin, a hormone infusion, every 3 weeks for the next 10 months.
To sum up the past seven plus months, we've gone through biopsies, diagnosis, surgery, recovery from surgery and chemo. Still left to be done is radiate and hormonicize and live and love for years to come.
We're very much looking forward to a time when we're not feeling so stretched thin; physically, emotionally, financially...it's really affecting our lives through and through, and we're concerned (obviously) about how the ill effects of this is treating Ryan during this most developmental period of her childhood. It's the only life I know, I wouldn't trade it for anything - I love my daughter more than anything in this (or any other) world and it brings tears to my eyes that she has to see us being put through the most rigorous test of our lives. It's more frustrating than words can spell to watch your offspring watch you in what you can be certain is not your most flattering moment (after moment, after moment). I'm sure it's something all parents go through, as no life is without hurdles, but I can't help but be self-centered here - all about me, all about my family...hello?
I guess I should blog more and I wouldn't feel like I need to sit and tell you all every little thing that happened in the past however long it's been since I've posted. But frankly, free time is a luxury not known much around these parts lately.
We're exhausted, tired of this whole thing, but we're persisting and getting beyond every hurdle thrown at us. Deb made it through chemo so swiftly - never missing a treatment due to low levels; having horrifying side effects yes, but no hospitalizations...perspective is so key. And I'm trying with all of my might to put exhaustion and situational frustration aside and continue to maintain a positive outlook for many more happy years with my family. It's going to be really nice when the regular visits to the doctor are behind us and we can take a well needed vacation. Until then, I'll settle for the end of the winter rains - the hills are green and I'm ready to be spending more time outside without getting soaked.
So, with all that, I want to throw a big ol' jumbo hug out there to anyone putting their eyes on these words....We all love you so much, and love that you're out there thinking good, positive, healing vibes towards us. Thanks to each of you for your friendship and support always.
Sometimes it's a challenge to muster even a smile as an acknowledgment of a feat accomplished. That was the case today. While definitely (and don't underestimate the definitive qualities of that "definitely") relieved to be complete with the toxic infusion portion of the program, it's a bittersweet victory; if one could even call it that.
Doing what needs to be done has been the name of the game for more than a half dozen moons. The cumulative effects of everything (and don't underestimate the all-encompassingness of that "everything") has Deb (us all, really) craving, more than ever, the normal that once was - as if we were ever what anyone would consider "normal".
Enough pontification...here's the scoop:
Today, Deb got her final administration of Taxol. She's now been through 24 weeks of receiving chemo infusions. As the time has passed, we've adapted into this new normal, which consists of Deb resting A LOT, and Ryan spending more and more time with her Nini; and both of them are loving the opportunity to bond every morning and then some. All of that, combined with the winter rains have made for a rough bunch of weeks around here. I continue to tangent. Let me talk about Deb and her treatment; where it is and where it's going....
Next week she'll get a CT scan so they can map out the points to radiate. 2 weeks after that she'll begin radiation therapy. This is a really high powered, very focused laser kind of thing that blasts the specific area of the tumor and inflicted lymph nodes. It's like 10 minutes a day, every weekday for 5 1/2 weeks. The treatment is very different from the chemo therapy as the radiation is extremely localized; hence no full body pain/sickness. There are side effects however, which include skin burns or rashes,swelling, scar tissue, and continued exhaustion. I'm sure some of you (Jennie B) know WAY more about this than us, but that's the gist of it.
As for the residual effects of the chemo. The doctor this morning said that it's likely that Deb won't feel at full strength for some months yet, but it's a relief to know that as I type this we have no plans of infusing her with more toxic chemicals - just radioactive material...what a relief.
In addition to the radiation therapy, Deb will receive Herceptin, a hormone infusion, every 3 weeks for the next 10 months.
To sum up the past seven plus months, we've gone through biopsies, diagnosis, surgery, recovery from surgery and chemo. Still left to be done is radiate and hormonicize and live and love for years to come.
We're very much looking forward to a time when we're not feeling so stretched thin; physically, emotionally, financially...it's really affecting our lives through and through, and we're concerned (obviously) about how the ill effects of this is treating Ryan during this most developmental period of her childhood. It's the only life I know, I wouldn't trade it for anything - I love my daughter more than anything in this (or any other) world and it brings tears to my eyes that she has to see us being put through the most rigorous test of our lives. It's more frustrating than words can spell to watch your offspring watch you in what you can be certain is not your most flattering moment (after moment, after moment). I'm sure it's something all parents go through, as no life is without hurdles, but I can't help but be self-centered here - all about me, all about my family...hello?
I guess I should blog more and I wouldn't feel like I need to sit and tell you all every little thing that happened in the past however long it's been since I've posted. But frankly, free time is a luxury not known much around these parts lately.
We're exhausted, tired of this whole thing, but we're persisting and getting beyond every hurdle thrown at us. Deb made it through chemo so swiftly - never missing a treatment due to low levels; having horrifying side effects yes, but no hospitalizations...perspective is so key. And I'm trying with all of my might to put exhaustion and situational frustration aside and continue to maintain a positive outlook for many more happy years with my family. It's going to be really nice when the regular visits to the doctor are behind us and we can take a well needed vacation. Until then, I'll settle for the end of the winter rains - the hills are green and I'm ready to be spending more time outside without getting soaked.
So, with all that, I want to throw a big ol' jumbo hug out there to anyone putting their eyes on these words....We all love you so much, and love that you're out there thinking good, positive, healing vibes towards us. Thanks to each of you for your friendship and support always.
Monday, February 16, 2009
I need you all to know how thrilled I am that I only have 3 treatments left, I am. However, the excitement has been somewhat overshadowed by the crapiness, or as I like to call it, the "suck" that was the last month and a half. My friend Wendy has this theory that since, by this point, I've become so saturated with toxins, I'm not getting many good days. It's a good theory, and I love her for it but I think she was just being nice. I think I'm at least partly to blame-my attitude has been reprehensible. So, while some of you may be wondering why I need to place blame, it's because I'm feeling bitter and resentful, and while I know blaming something might not be helpful fighting cancer, it somehow does make me feel better. And I think I need to do it so it doesn't all get trapped inside me. It might be best to not publicize all this since it doesn't exactly show me in the best light, but you guys, all of you reading this, envelope my life and make it worth fighting for, so forgive me for making you have to see me like this. I share out of love people! Besides, a good friend once told me that "shit isn't always rainbows and fucking unicorns and sometimes the whole universe sucks" and how right he is.
Ok, having said (all of) that, I think I can also blame my bad attitude on the fact that I've been on steroids for the last 9 weeks and have been feeling like a crazy cracked-out "roid" bitch. I can blame it on the steady, toxic vibrational hum I feel. I can blame some of it on how my tummy has been on the fritz since this all started, or on how my muscles, joints and bones ache horribly, or on how very tired I am. I can attribute some of the blame to the fact that my menstrual cycle is all confused or on the fact that we had to give our dog away. I could blame it on the fact that it's hard to watch my husband have to be and feel so responsible and stretched so thin. I could blame it on the fact that another friend got diagnosed with cancer or on the horrible fact that my dear friend Josh died last month and I can't grieve properly because I've been so self-absorbed. I could blame it all on that, but there's even more to it. The thing is, I'm losing my patience with this process. And while my attitude has been downright shameful, I guess I come by it honestly as it stems from my disappointment over wishing I was better at this fight and the knowing that while I only have 3 chemo treatments to go, I am also facing radiation, 10 more months of hormone therapy, and a lifetime of cancer ghosts. And while I don't look or feel like myself, I do know that some of it is only temporary. Most of this is temporary. I think I need to say that out loud. I think I needed a reminder.
Thank you for letting me vent. I continue to be amazed that you’re all out there. And I continue to be amazed at the support we have received. I just read an email from a girl I went to nursery school with. I know cancer is an awkward thing to get back in touch over, but it means a great deal to me to have people reach out to me throughout this craziness...in spite of years or distance or whatever circumstances that led to falling out of touch. I guess you can chalk part of that up to the information age and the abilities we have to actually get in touch, but if having cancer has taught me anything, it's that people really and truly do care about each other, and that gives me hope. And hope, much like fear, anger or blame, can be a powerful thing for a girl in my situation. Please know that having people out there pulling for me genuinely helps me get through the day. And please know that I do know that I have a lot to live for. I will beat this, it's just sucking getting to the other side.
Ok, having said (all of) that, I think I can also blame my bad attitude on the fact that I've been on steroids for the last 9 weeks and have been feeling like a crazy cracked-out "roid" bitch. I can blame it on the steady, toxic vibrational hum I feel. I can blame some of it on how my tummy has been on the fritz since this all started, or on how my muscles, joints and bones ache horribly, or on how very tired I am. I can attribute some of the blame to the fact that my menstrual cycle is all confused or on the fact that we had to give our dog away. I could blame it on the fact that it's hard to watch my husband have to be and feel so responsible and stretched so thin. I could blame it on the fact that another friend got diagnosed with cancer or on the horrible fact that my dear friend Josh died last month and I can't grieve properly because I've been so self-absorbed. I could blame it all on that, but there's even more to it. The thing is, I'm losing my patience with this process. And while my attitude has been downright shameful, I guess I come by it honestly as it stems from my disappointment over wishing I was better at this fight and the knowing that while I only have 3 chemo treatments to go, I am also facing radiation, 10 more months of hormone therapy, and a lifetime of cancer ghosts. And while I don't look or feel like myself, I do know that some of it is only temporary. Most of this is temporary. I think I need to say that out loud. I think I needed a reminder.
Thank you for letting me vent. I continue to be amazed that you’re all out there. And I continue to be amazed at the support we have received. I just read an email from a girl I went to nursery school with. I know cancer is an awkward thing to get back in touch over, but it means a great deal to me to have people reach out to me throughout this craziness...in spite of years or distance or whatever circumstances that led to falling out of touch. I guess you can chalk part of that up to the information age and the abilities we have to actually get in touch, but if having cancer has taught me anything, it's that people really and truly do care about each other, and that gives me hope. And hope, much like fear, anger or blame, can be a powerful thing for a girl in my situation. Please know that having people out there pulling for me genuinely helps me get through the day. And please know that I do know that I have a lot to live for. I will beat this, it's just sucking getting to the other side.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Halfway through the 2nd half = 75%
The light at the end of the chemo tunnel gets slightly brighter every day. Deb's treatment on Thursday, the 22nd, will essentially be her 6th dose of the Taxol (and Herceptin). 6 more weeks of treatment after that. Then, a 1 month break to let her body recover before radiation therapy will begin. So we're starting to match these planned events with calendar dates and that's really a positive and exciting thing.
The weekly treatments have been taking a toll, but Deb is persisting as she only knows how to; like a champ. She's still more efficient and mindful all chem'ed out than I am just being me (no comments, peanut gallery - you know who you are...). Seriously, in the past 24 hours she's not only gone grocery shopping but also taken Ryan to music class, the mall, and whooped up some serious meat loaf. But, the thing is, I can see her "muscling through" a lot of activities...it's such an incredibly difficult thing to watch someone you love be in pain and not be able to do anything about it...The point is, Deb's feeling crummy (that's the polite way to say it). BUT, while feeling crummy, she's totally managing. The new "normal" continues...
Honestly, one of, if not the most difficult decisions of our life (and we've had some difficult ones) was to find a new home for Jojo. It was becoming increasingly obvious that we weren't able to give Jojo the positive attention and training she deserves. I still can't really believe all that's transpired in the past few days. The bottom line though is Jojo went to live with a family with another little whipper-snapper dog (Benny the mini Aussie Shepherd) and a couple kids (4 & 7). These folks will be able to give Jojo the exercise and love and attention that we're unable to provide for her right now. Watching Benny and Jojo running in circles and playing I could tell that they'll be happy together. I think Jojo will be a happier (and better behaving) dog being able to play with another dog of her size and excitement level every day and to not be in a house that's unfortunately more stressful than we'd like most of the time.
But we're not all gray clouds and slush puddles...in fact, the weather here's been incredible (duh, right? who doesn't expect to go to the beach in January?) and that's helping us to stay on the bright side of the street (of course it's raining tonight, but we can actually use it). Ryan's vocabulary is exploding and she continues to display great resilience despite all of the changes going on around her. Frequently asking "what's this?" and replying with "Ohhh..." - it's pretty cool watching her soak in the world around her. She does know Jojo went to live with another family, and I think she's sad, but also glad that her toys won't be getting chewed by anyone besides herself. Ryan and "Nini" have formed an incredibly special bond (held together with chocolate milk and Barney/Caillou/whatever). But seriously, there are times when it's Nini or nothing and I know I speak for Deb when I say just how grateful we are for Deb's mom for so many reasons. What else? Ryan's got Music Together class happening and is in gymnastics...both of which are proven good times. We've been talking about getting back in the pool and doing some swimming lessons. Oh yeah, she's started making pizzas now too; with some help from mama...but that's fun to watch her and Deb in aprons rolling out the dough and putting on the sauce; it's like a restaurant where you make your own pizza - only it's not a restaurant, it's your house. Pizza with corn & chicken!?! What a country.
The house is eerily quiet now. It's kind of nice, but mostly it's just odd and weird (cause there's a big difference between the two). I'm sure what we've done is the right thing, but once again the right thing is certainly not the easy thing (what's up with that?). The Dumbledore "dark and difficult times" quote keeps coming to mind. But so do others like "where there is love, there is hope". The love and hope we have will get us through these dark and difficult times, of that I am sure.
The weekly treatments have been taking a toll, but Deb is persisting as she only knows how to; like a champ. She's still more efficient and mindful all chem'ed out than I am just being me (no comments, peanut gallery - you know who you are...). Seriously, in the past 24 hours she's not only gone grocery shopping but also taken Ryan to music class, the mall, and whooped up some serious meat loaf. But, the thing is, I can see her "muscling through" a lot of activities...it's such an incredibly difficult thing to watch someone you love be in pain and not be able to do anything about it...The point is, Deb's feeling crummy (that's the polite way to say it). BUT, while feeling crummy, she's totally managing. The new "normal" continues...
Honestly, one of, if not the most difficult decisions of our life (and we've had some difficult ones) was to find a new home for Jojo. It was becoming increasingly obvious that we weren't able to give Jojo the positive attention and training she deserves. I still can't really believe all that's transpired in the past few days. The bottom line though is Jojo went to live with a family with another little whipper-snapper dog (Benny the mini Aussie Shepherd) and a couple kids (4 & 7). These folks will be able to give Jojo the exercise and love and attention that we're unable to provide for her right now. Watching Benny and Jojo running in circles and playing I could tell that they'll be happy together. I think Jojo will be a happier (and better behaving) dog being able to play with another dog of her size and excitement level every day and to not be in a house that's unfortunately more stressful than we'd like most of the time.
But we're not all gray clouds and slush puddles...in fact, the weather here's been incredible (duh, right? who doesn't expect to go to the beach in January?) and that's helping us to stay on the bright side of the street (of course it's raining tonight, but we can actually use it). Ryan's vocabulary is exploding and she continues to display great resilience despite all of the changes going on around her. Frequently asking "what's this?" and replying with "Ohhh..." - it's pretty cool watching her soak in the world around her. She does know Jojo went to live with another family, and I think she's sad, but also glad that her toys won't be getting chewed by anyone besides herself. Ryan and "Nini" have formed an incredibly special bond (held together with chocolate milk and Barney/Caillou/whatever). But seriously, there are times when it's Nini or nothing and I know I speak for Deb when I say just how grateful we are for Deb's mom for so many reasons. What else? Ryan's got Music Together class happening and is in gymnastics...both of which are proven good times. We've been talking about getting back in the pool and doing some swimming lessons. Oh yeah, she's started making pizzas now too; with some help from mama...but that's fun to watch her and Deb in aprons rolling out the dough and putting on the sauce; it's like a restaurant where you make your own pizza - only it's not a restaurant, it's your house. Pizza with corn & chicken!?! What a country.
The house is eerily quiet now. It's kind of nice, but mostly it's just odd and weird (cause there's a big difference between the two). I'm sure what we've done is the right thing, but once again the right thing is certainly not the easy thing (what's up with that?). The Dumbledore "dark and difficult times" quote keeps coming to mind. But so do others like "where there is love, there is hope". The love and hope we have will get us through these dark and difficult times, of that I am sure.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
A Happier New Year...
I know it's been a while since I blogged but I've found having cancer and taking care of a 2 year old to be pretty darn time-consuming, so I don't make it onto the computer much. And I know I don't always return phone calls or emails in a timely manner, but what can I say? Once a lagger, always a lagger. Please know it's not personal, just chalk it up to me not feeling very social, and very tired. I suspect you all will likely wave away my apologies but I am sorry, and I'll try to get a little better communication-wise in 09.
So, the last month or so has been rough. My last treatment (which was also my first treatment with the second round of chemo drugs) was really hard. It was A LOT different than what I was getting used to, and I have to be honest here, I was spooked before I even got the treatment. I was wallowing pretty deeply in my fear and having a really tough time keeping my chin up. I think my attitude infected Howie and Ryan as well because we had a few days and nights that I don't care to recall, much less rehash. Having said that though, I feel like I/we have gotten over the fear-hump and have started to move back towards the light. Ringing in a new year has helped me realize that I don't want to spend my time or energy fearing for my life, and that I want to spend the time I have-however long that is (and believe me, I hope it's a L O N G time), doing the things I love with the people I love. I mean, let's be real here...who knows how long any of us has really? So in the spirit of living, I've been trying to focus on doing things I love...seeing movies, listening to music, reading books, going to the beach, and trying to spend time w/friends and family etc. I'm still working on calling and emailing though. ;)
Otherwise, I feel OK right now. That is, other than feeling like I've got Swiss cheese for brains. I've been having a hard time recalling words in general, but especially in the middle of a conversation. Plus, the words I do come up with don't seem to accurately convey what it is I'm trying to say. Anyhow, being the talker I am, it's admittedly a bit frustrating. As for my body, well, it's sore and run-down and I feel every joint and muscle every time I move but it's not horrible anymore. We're thinking (and hoping) my next chemo treatment won't be as intense since it'll be a smaller dose. I really don't mean to complain, I guess I'm just trying to give a state of the union here. And just so everyone knows, my oncologist and I have decided that starting next week, I will begin weekly chemo treatments of the Taxol and Herceptin because researchers have found better success rates with doing weekly treatments (as opposed to having them every 3 weeks). I'm not sure how it's going to go...if I'm going to feel like crap for a few days, then ok for a few days, then crap again etc., etc. For 9 more weeks. Ugh. However, what got me really out of the dumps was actually getting my last chemo. While it hurt and sucked and was total crap, I felt like I was doing something about it, and being proactive is a positive force.
I know it's not always going to be this hard. I know I'm not the only person going through this, and I know that there is never a "good" time to get cancer. I just wish I didn't have to chase after a very active and determined 2 year old while battling this disease. And I know that it's probably unhealthy for me to wish for something that can't be changed but I'm still having some difficulty accepting this very altered reality that is my world right now. I also know that I am never going to know what it's like not to have cancer and a 2 year old. I just have to remind myself and really allow for the fact that I'm not going to be able to be the mom/wife/daughter/friend/sister/aunt I want to be right now. I'm working on getting over it, I promise. I suspect, when I go into remission that is, that I am going to constantly wonder if it's back. I worry about that but at the same time, I also have faith. Just as important as my faith is knowing that I have your encouragement, support, love and understanding no matter what. So, thank you for that and for being in my world. And as always, I have to end by saying thank for reading and commenting (or calling or emailing). I need and love you all very much. So cheers to all of you for a healthier, happier and hope-filled year. Let's hope 2009 will be a better year for all of us. Much love.
So, the last month or so has been rough. My last treatment (which was also my first treatment with the second round of chemo drugs) was really hard. It was A LOT different than what I was getting used to, and I have to be honest here, I was spooked before I even got the treatment. I was wallowing pretty deeply in my fear and having a really tough time keeping my chin up. I think my attitude infected Howie and Ryan as well because we had a few days and nights that I don't care to recall, much less rehash. Having said that though, I feel like I/we have gotten over the fear-hump and have started to move back towards the light. Ringing in a new year has helped me realize that I don't want to spend my time or energy fearing for my life, and that I want to spend the time I have-however long that is (and believe me, I hope it's a L O N G time), doing the things I love with the people I love. I mean, let's be real here...who knows how long any of us has really? So in the spirit of living, I've been trying to focus on doing things I love...seeing movies, listening to music, reading books, going to the beach, and trying to spend time w/friends and family etc. I'm still working on calling and emailing though. ;)
Otherwise, I feel OK right now. That is, other than feeling like I've got Swiss cheese for brains. I've been having a hard time recalling words in general, but especially in the middle of a conversation. Plus, the words I do come up with don't seem to accurately convey what it is I'm trying to say. Anyhow, being the talker I am, it's admittedly a bit frustrating. As for my body, well, it's sore and run-down and I feel every joint and muscle every time I move but it's not horrible anymore. We're thinking (and hoping) my next chemo treatment won't be as intense since it'll be a smaller dose. I really don't mean to complain, I guess I'm just trying to give a state of the union here. And just so everyone knows, my oncologist and I have decided that starting next week, I will begin weekly chemo treatments of the Taxol and Herceptin because researchers have found better success rates with doing weekly treatments (as opposed to having them every 3 weeks). I'm not sure how it's going to go...if I'm going to feel like crap for a few days, then ok for a few days, then crap again etc., etc. For 9 more weeks. Ugh. However, what got me really out of the dumps was actually getting my last chemo. While it hurt and sucked and was total crap, I felt like I was doing something about it, and being proactive is a positive force.
I know it's not always going to be this hard. I know I'm not the only person going through this, and I know that there is never a "good" time to get cancer. I just wish I didn't have to chase after a very active and determined 2 year old while battling this disease. And I know that it's probably unhealthy for me to wish for something that can't be changed but I'm still having some difficulty accepting this very altered reality that is my world right now. I also know that I am never going to know what it's like not to have cancer and a 2 year old. I just have to remind myself and really allow for the fact that I'm not going to be able to be the mom/wife/daughter/friend/sister/aunt I want to be right now. I'm working on getting over it, I promise. I suspect, when I go into remission that is, that I am going to constantly wonder if it's back. I worry about that but at the same time, I also have faith. Just as important as my faith is knowing that I have your encouragement, support, love and understanding no matter what. So, thank you for that and for being in my world. And as always, I have to end by saying thank for reading and commenting (or calling or emailing). I need and love you all very much. So cheers to all of you for a healthier, happier and hope-filled year. Let's hope 2009 will be a better year for all of us. Much love.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Bad to the bone?
That's how Deb's doing after her first administration of Taxol.
Not as nauseous as the Adriamycin/Cytoxan combo, but an entirely different set of side effects.
The differences in the treatments began before it was even given....Wednesday night (the night before chemo) Deb took some steroids as a pre-treatment. The treatment itself lasted much longer than the previous regiment. Deb was there getting her infusion from a bit after 9am until almost 4:30. Exhausting sitting there all day...and she almost ran through all of her batteries too - dvd player, ipod, phone, nintendo; you know the chemo tools of the 2000's...
With the first round of treatments she didn't really seem to feel any effects for a few days. This time, however, that evening she summed it up in a single word: weird.
And that's exactly how her feeling appeared to me. I was just watching her and I could tell that she wasn't feeling right...but it kind of makes sense...get infused with chems all day and feel weird all night, right?
By Friday and Saturday the weirdness progressed into pain, both in the bones and joints. And not just like her hands hurt, or her back hurts, or her legs hurt, but all of it is hurting. Deb made it with us to Ryan's gymnastics on Friday and we all went to the beach on Saturday which was just awesome. It was such a lovely day and Ryan and Jojo (and Deb & I) all had a blast just walking down the beach counting boats. Ryan was all about the water. "Want go in water NOW!"...so, we rolled up our pant legs and felt that cold cold Monterey Bay water. Funny how kids are not affected by things like really cold water. I had to physically remove the girl so that I could regain feeling in my feet. It was a really nice day for all of us, and Jojo got to stretch her legs for a much needed while.
Sunday, the all-over bone pain got worse and was accompanied by a wake-up nose bleed. Add to that a gray wintry rainy soggy Santa Cruz day - which always seems to increase the feelings of pain...Fan-freakin'-tastic :)
I'll quote Deb, "I think I prefer nausea to this."
So, that's where we are on this Monday morning.
I know, lame blog, but...
Not as nauseous as the Adriamycin/Cytoxan combo, but an entirely different set of side effects.
The differences in the treatments began before it was even given....Wednesday night (the night before chemo) Deb took some steroids as a pre-treatment. The treatment itself lasted much longer than the previous regiment. Deb was there getting her infusion from a bit after 9am until almost 4:30. Exhausting sitting there all day...and she almost ran through all of her batteries too - dvd player, ipod, phone, nintendo; you know the chemo tools of the 2000's...
With the first round of treatments she didn't really seem to feel any effects for a few days. This time, however, that evening she summed it up in a single word: weird.
And that's exactly how her feeling appeared to me. I was just watching her and I could tell that she wasn't feeling right...but it kind of makes sense...get infused with chems all day and feel weird all night, right?
By Friday and Saturday the weirdness progressed into pain, both in the bones and joints. And not just like her hands hurt, or her back hurts, or her legs hurt, but all of it is hurting. Deb made it with us to Ryan's gymnastics on Friday and we all went to the beach on Saturday which was just awesome. It was such a lovely day and Ryan and Jojo (and Deb & I) all had a blast just walking down the beach counting boats. Ryan was all about the water. "Want go in water NOW!"...so, we rolled up our pant legs and felt that cold cold Monterey Bay water. Funny how kids are not affected by things like really cold water. I had to physically remove the girl so that I could regain feeling in my feet. It was a really nice day for all of us, and Jojo got to stretch her legs for a much needed while.
Sunday, the all-over bone pain got worse and was accompanied by a wake-up nose bleed. Add to that a gray wintry rainy soggy Santa Cruz day - which always seems to increase the feelings of pain...Fan-freakin'-tastic :)
I'll quote Deb, "I think I prefer nausea to this."
So, that's where we are on this Monday morning.
I know, lame blog, but...
Friday, December 12, 2008
What to say....
Hi all,
I just felt like I needed to post even though I'm not sure what news there really is to report.
We had a great visit from Miki. She's just awesome. I can't believe my fortune that I should be friends with such a great bunch of people. Miki took great care of us and the house and brought us yummy delights from LA; baked goods from the Jewish bakery, Pastrami and pickles from the deli, dim sum from Chinatown...and then she had the gall to go and cook delicious foods like every single night she was here. Yeah, we were sad to see her leave, but we know that she's busy busy now. For those that don't already know, check out Miki's website at www.blanketdiva.com and you won't be sorry. There's no shame in this plug here, because we are proud owners of a blanketdiva blanket and we highly recommend that you check it out. The site is great and the product is unbelievable soft. Seriously.
What else? Deb's been tired but staying busy with Ryan and all of her routines. We're all glad that we're now halfway complete with the chemotherapy. Next week Deb will get her first dose of Taxol & Herceptin. They generally administer Taxol every 3 weeks but have been seeing promising results by giving weekly doses, so it's likely that she'll get a 3 week dose first to get through the holidays and then go weekly after that. But that remains to be seen.
Ryan's continuing to develop her vocabulary and singing voice. She's still experimenting with the potty and we're very much looking forward to the day we can set those Diaper Champs out to pasture....though as we start to frequent some of the Santa Cruz public toilets I see the advantage to wearing diapers ;)
Jojo's got fleas and all I can say is that's a real bummer. Poor girl can't scratch hard enough. And man, it's annoying; and not just Jojo is annoyed ;) So we're giving her healthy doses of Frontline to get rid of them little buggers....
We're so excited to go and celebrate the holidays and December b-days Saturday night up at Chris & Kath's new place in Walnut Crick and then Sunday we're going on the Holiday Train ride here in Santa Cruz at the Boardwalk so that should be a good time.
Other than that, the beat goes on....
We would like to take this opportunity to wish each and every one of you a hap hap happy holiday season. Enjoy the full moon, the solstice, Hannukah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Boxing Day, Festivus, whatever....
If we don't blog before 2009, everyone have a blast this newyears. For those of you who will be in Denver, know that we're right there above/behind/around/next to you in spirit. Breaking our hearts to not spend that time and space with you all. For everyone who will be in other places welcoming the New Year, do it right, do it fun and do it safe.
We love you.
Happy Everything from the Finfers
I just felt like I needed to post even though I'm not sure what news there really is to report.
We had a great visit from Miki. She's just awesome. I can't believe my fortune that I should be friends with such a great bunch of people. Miki took great care of us and the house and brought us yummy delights from LA; baked goods from the Jewish bakery, Pastrami and pickles from the deli, dim sum from Chinatown...and then she had the gall to go and cook delicious foods like every single night she was here. Yeah, we were sad to see her leave, but we know that she's busy busy now. For those that don't already know, check out Miki's website at www.blanketdiva.com and you won't be sorry. There's no shame in this plug here, because we are proud owners of a blanketdiva blanket and we highly recommend that you check it out. The site is great and the product is unbelievable soft. Seriously.
What else? Deb's been tired but staying busy with Ryan and all of her routines. We're all glad that we're now halfway complete with the chemotherapy. Next week Deb will get her first dose of Taxol & Herceptin. They generally administer Taxol every 3 weeks but have been seeing promising results by giving weekly doses, so it's likely that she'll get a 3 week dose first to get through the holidays and then go weekly after that. But that remains to be seen.
Ryan's continuing to develop her vocabulary and singing voice. She's still experimenting with the potty and we're very much looking forward to the day we can set those Diaper Champs out to pasture....though as we start to frequent some of the Santa Cruz public toilets I see the advantage to wearing diapers ;)
Jojo's got fleas and all I can say is that's a real bummer. Poor girl can't scratch hard enough. And man, it's annoying; and not just Jojo is annoyed ;) So we're giving her healthy doses of Frontline to get rid of them little buggers....
We're so excited to go and celebrate the holidays and December b-days Saturday night up at Chris & Kath's new place in Walnut Crick and then Sunday we're going on the Holiday Train ride here in Santa Cruz at the Boardwalk so that should be a good time.
Other than that, the beat goes on....
We would like to take this opportunity to wish each and every one of you a hap hap happy holiday season. Enjoy the full moon, the solstice, Hannukah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Boxing Day, Festivus, whatever....
If we don't blog before 2009, everyone have a blast this newyears. For those of you who will be in Denver, know that we're right there above/behind/around/next to you in spirit. Breaking our hearts to not spend that time and space with you all. For everyone who will be in other places welcoming the New Year, do it right, do it fun and do it safe.
We love you.
Happy Everything from the Finfers
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Where we are today
Where we are today is 1 day before Thanksgiving, 2008.
Where we are today is 2 days before "Chemo IV: Deb's Revenge".
That's right, Chemo 3: The Threequel is nearly complete. It pretty much sucked. About as bad as most other threequels (Return of the Jedi, Back to the Future and Indiana Jones excluded). Think Revenge of the Nerds 3, Rocky 3 and Police Academy 3. Yeah, it sucked alright....
But, and that's a big BUT, we're getting through, beyond and past it.
The Breast Cancer ride continues to provide uncertainty, but that's what it's cracked up to be. I'm continually reminded of a Breast Cancer Husband in one of my books who pulls out his blackberry at the Oncologist's office to schedule all of his wife's chemo appointments on the 1st day. He's laughed at by the folks at the office who know as well as anyone the unpredictability of this disease.
With that being said, we've been rolling with it.
Deb's been having some pain in her side. It's either a kidney stone or gas. Thanks. It's either something really painful and identifiable, or it's just painful. Pretty much a lose-lose. She's managing like a champ though; persisting with all of the "regular" activities. I'll take this moment to once again express my love for this woman who is keeping on keeping on. Even though there's really no alternative, she's such a trooper - making dinners and keeping Ryan actively particpating in all of her activities.
Aside from the side pain, which she seems to be managing at least somewhat, Deb seems to be adjusting to this crazy time pretty well. The new "normal" ain't all that bad - we're totally getting through it. It's not optimal, but it's our life, and it's what we've got right now, so I'll take it :)
Ryan is continuing to develop - singing a lot, building block towers, creating sticker collages, dancing, jumping, slugging t-balls, etc...Both Deb and I are glad that she's letting Elmo and Blue rest a bit as she's finally into her first movie: Madagascar. This girl likes to "Move it move it". Thanks Woo for leaving the DVD; it provides great relief from our furry red monster friend....
I went with Ryan (and her best buddy Maia and Maia's mom Sam) to see the Banana Slug String Band this past Saturday morning. The 11am show was Ryan's first trip to a Jazz Club and we were happy to see a group of our friends there at the show. Watching Ryan and Maia leaning on the stage checking out the instruments and amplifiers was quite a sight. More endearing though, was Ryan with a big bag of snacks passing out peas to her friends in the front row. A sign of times to come. Watching Ryan dance through the aisles smiling makes me look even more forward to seeing shows as a family. It was great to see familiar faces in a live music setting.
So, here we are; looking forward to a Thanksgiving in Santa Cruz with Mike & Andy and the Plumlee's and their crew. We're happy for a long weekend coming up and looking forward to a visit from Miki this weekend, she's coming up to help out after Deb's treatment.
Regarding the treatments, this upcoming therapy will be the last of the 1st round of treatment - final administation of Adriamycin and Cytoxin. Still to come: 4 rounds of Taxol and Hercpetin. Almost half-way through the chemo. The light at the end of this tunnel continues to brighten. As 2008 draws nearer to a close, I look forward with great anticipation towards 2009, hopeful that it will prove to be a happier and healthier year for everyone reading these words.
So much to be thankful for every year, but especially this year. Look acrosss your Thanksgiving table this year and be extra grateful; know that we'll be out in the hills, toasting each and every one of you thinking good thankful thoughts in your directions....
Where we are today is 2 days before "Chemo IV: Deb's Revenge".
That's right, Chemo 3: The Threequel is nearly complete. It pretty much sucked. About as bad as most other threequels (Return of the Jedi, Back to the Future and Indiana Jones excluded). Think Revenge of the Nerds 3, Rocky 3 and Police Academy 3. Yeah, it sucked alright....
But, and that's a big BUT, we're getting through, beyond and past it.
The Breast Cancer ride continues to provide uncertainty, but that's what it's cracked up to be. I'm continually reminded of a Breast Cancer Husband in one of my books who pulls out his blackberry at the Oncologist's office to schedule all of his wife's chemo appointments on the 1st day. He's laughed at by the folks at the office who know as well as anyone the unpredictability of this disease.
With that being said, we've been rolling with it.
Deb's been having some pain in her side. It's either a kidney stone or gas. Thanks. It's either something really painful and identifiable, or it's just painful. Pretty much a lose-lose. She's managing like a champ though; persisting with all of the "regular" activities. I'll take this moment to once again express my love for this woman who is keeping on keeping on. Even though there's really no alternative, she's such a trooper - making dinners and keeping Ryan actively particpating in all of her activities.
Aside from the side pain, which she seems to be managing at least somewhat, Deb seems to be adjusting to this crazy time pretty well. The new "normal" ain't all that bad - we're totally getting through it. It's not optimal, but it's our life, and it's what we've got right now, so I'll take it :)
Ryan is continuing to develop - singing a lot, building block towers, creating sticker collages, dancing, jumping, slugging t-balls, etc...Both Deb and I are glad that she's letting Elmo and Blue rest a bit as she's finally into her first movie: Madagascar. This girl likes to "Move it move it". Thanks Woo for leaving the DVD; it provides great relief from our furry red monster friend....
I went with Ryan (and her best buddy Maia and Maia's mom Sam) to see the Banana Slug String Band this past Saturday morning. The 11am show was Ryan's first trip to a Jazz Club and we were happy to see a group of our friends there at the show. Watching Ryan and Maia leaning on the stage checking out the instruments and amplifiers was quite a sight. More endearing though, was Ryan with a big bag of snacks passing out peas to her friends in the front row. A sign of times to come. Watching Ryan dance through the aisles smiling makes me look even more forward to seeing shows as a family. It was great to see familiar faces in a live music setting.
So, here we are; looking forward to a Thanksgiving in Santa Cruz with Mike & Andy and the Plumlee's and their crew. We're happy for a long weekend coming up and looking forward to a visit from Miki this weekend, she's coming up to help out after Deb's treatment.
Regarding the treatments, this upcoming therapy will be the last of the 1st round of treatment - final administation of Adriamycin and Cytoxin. Still to come: 4 rounds of Taxol and Hercpetin. Almost half-way through the chemo. The light at the end of this tunnel continues to brighten. As 2008 draws nearer to a close, I look forward with great anticipation towards 2009, hopeful that it will prove to be a happier and healthier year for everyone reading these words.
So much to be thankful for every year, but especially this year. Look acrosss your Thanksgiving table this year and be extra grateful; know that we'll be out in the hills, toasting each and every one of you thinking good thankful thoughts in your directions....
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Between Chemo #2 & #3
Hi Everyone,
Long time no blog.
Sorry about that, but life happens (and that's a good thing, remember?)...
Since last we "spoke", Deb has successfully been administered her 2nd round of chemoTHERAPY and has been adapting to being a beautiful bald(ing) woman gracefully. Ryan is learning her ABC's and 123's and singing up a storm - Happy Birthday and Ring Around the Rosie are the hits of the day; with of course the Music Together theme "Hello Everybody". If you're reading this you can be pretty sure that Ryan's sung "Hello 'insert your name here'" time and time again. It's pretty darn cute if I do say so myself (and yes, I just did, didn't I?).
Wendy came down for almost a week after "Chemo 2: The Sequel" and we all just love that and appreciate it so much. "Woo", as she's affectionately referred to as, is quite the popular figure around these here parts. Since she's been here, I've been able to spend more time at work, saving up vacation time for when it's needed and for when we're able to use it for a proper celebratory vacation somewhere tropical.
Deb's mom, "Nini", has also been "above and beyond" the call of duty lately; and it's been wonderful for everyone. Ryan absolutely adores her "Nini" and loves spending time with her. Nini is equally enamored of Ryan and both Deb and I are not only grateful to have Ryan establishing a deeper bond with her maternal grandmother, but we get some time sans 2 year old too, which is almost a mini vacation in itself.
The "Mamas" have been busy too. The meal train has been keeping us nourished during this past week and there was a charity yard sale for Deb's benefit. You all know who you are, and you freakin' rock and we love you...For everyone else, take this moment and just relish in the fact that there are still good, caring, compassionate people, full of love, and smiles, and help out there; cause it's pretty amazing.
So, these new anti-nausea meds they gave Deb must be working. While she still feels toxic (for lack of a better word), she hasn't fully lost her appetite like she did with "Chemo 1: The First Time". And that's been great for everyone. With abundant thanks to Nini, we've been able to go out and eat dinner, just the two of us, on a number of occasions now.
Again, apologies for not posting sooner, or posting more, but I'm glad to be reporting that we've been busy doing things and enjoying this wonderful place we live in during arguably the best time of the year; October in Santa Cruz is just awesome - just like each and every one of you.
Sap out,
Howie
Long time no blog.
Sorry about that, but life happens (and that's a good thing, remember?)...
Since last we "spoke", Deb has successfully been administered her 2nd round of chemoTHERAPY and has been adapting to being a beautiful bald(ing) woman gracefully. Ryan is learning her ABC's and 123's and singing up a storm - Happy Birthday and Ring Around the Rosie are the hits of the day; with of course the Music Together theme "Hello Everybody". If you're reading this you can be pretty sure that Ryan's sung "Hello 'insert your name here'" time and time again. It's pretty darn cute if I do say so myself (and yes, I just did, didn't I?).
Wendy came down for almost a week after "Chemo 2: The Sequel" and we all just love that and appreciate it so much. "Woo", as she's affectionately referred to as, is quite the popular figure around these here parts. Since she's been here, I've been able to spend more time at work, saving up vacation time for when it's needed and for when we're able to use it for a proper celebratory vacation somewhere tropical.
Deb's mom, "Nini", has also been "above and beyond" the call of duty lately; and it's been wonderful for everyone. Ryan absolutely adores her "Nini" and loves spending time with her. Nini is equally enamored of Ryan and both Deb and I are not only grateful to have Ryan establishing a deeper bond with her maternal grandmother, but we get some time sans 2 year old too, which is almost a mini vacation in itself.
The "Mamas" have been busy too. The meal train has been keeping us nourished during this past week and there was a charity yard sale for Deb's benefit. You all know who you are, and you freakin' rock and we love you...For everyone else, take this moment and just relish in the fact that there are still good, caring, compassionate people, full of love, and smiles, and help out there; cause it's pretty amazing.
So, these new anti-nausea meds they gave Deb must be working. While she still feels toxic (for lack of a better word), she hasn't fully lost her appetite like she did with "Chemo 1: The First Time". And that's been great for everyone. With abundant thanks to Nini, we've been able to go out and eat dinner, just the two of us, on a number of occasions now.
Again, apologies for not posting sooner, or posting more, but I'm glad to be reporting that we've been busy doing things and enjoying this wonderful place we live in during arguably the best time of the year; October in Santa Cruz is just awesome - just like each and every one of you.
Sap out,
Howie
Monday, October 6, 2008
1 week, 4 days post chemo...
Hi All,
My last post was written the day after my first chemo was administered. I woke up that morning feeling really good, so good that I decided to get up before the sunrise (and before Howie & Ryan woke up), and take Jojo on a walk. While I was on my walk, I realized a few things...that I hadn't been able to take my dog on a walk for over a month, that I had been drugged for that entire time, and that it was Fall and soon to be October. It was kind of a wake-up call, and I realized that the pain meds haven't really been doing much for me other than making me feel really foggy and out of it. So I decided to stop taking them. The pain I'm still experiencing has to do with some minor fluid retention, and admittedly, the port still hurts some, but where it really hurts is in my muscles and nerves...the ones they had to cut through to get the breast tissue out. Their healing has been less than pleasant. I've been told by both my breast surgeon and the surgeon who installed the port that neither surgery should have been very painful, which always makes it worse when there is a lot of pain involved. It also makes me feel like I'm over-dramatizing everything, so yeah, a little resentment there. I also seem to have sustained some nerve damage in my right underarm (where the lymph nodes were removed) and though there is definitely still some pain, it's not nearly as intense as it was. I've been told that nerve pain usually gets better w/in a month or so or not at all. So I decided to live with the pain and see where that gets me. If I'm going to have pain no matter what, especially since the meds aren't working, what's the point of taking them?!? If the pain gets worse then there are other options; pain management clinics, higher dosages, etc., but we'll get to that only if we have to.
Anyhow, the Friday after chemo was the last day I felt really good. My oncologist says it was probably the steroids, time-released anti-nausea meds, and saline he gave me during the chemo injection. Well, those didn't last and on Sunday I woke up feeling like crap. I experienced the gauntlet of symptoms...everything from nausea, diarrhea, cramping, body aches and chills to simple, undeniable exhaustion. Oh, and I was due to get my period any day as well. Add to that the fact that Howie & Ryan both had bad colds, and that my dog was in heat and was driving us all a little crazy. Sunday was by far the worst day. Saturday hadn't been great, but it was tolerable. Monday was pretty crappy too but again, tolerable. I found that if I sat outside and/or rested in bed, I was ok. I couldn't focus to read or watch TV, I couldn't handle Ryan climbing on me, I definitely didn't want to eat and I couldn't talk on the phone and/or email. I just wanted to sit and breathe. One of those days I woke up angry. Angry at the gods/goddesses, angry at the timing, angry at cancer, and angry at the world. I haven't really had to "try" to be positive, I just kinda was by default and due to my nature, but I admit that if I hadn't had a good "break-down" session w/my mom and marathon phone sessions with Kath & Wendy, the anger might have swallowed me whole. I was frustrated at seeing Howie and Ryan struggle and not being able to help, I was frustrated over the timing of all this-not that there is ever a "convenient" time to get cancer but with a 2 yr old, puppy and a good life, I have been somewhat pissed off at the timing. So like me to get pissed off at the things I can't control! However, the silver lining is that by the next round of chemo, my doctor has a new pill to help bridge the gap between the time-released anti-nausea meds and when the chemo leaves my body and reeks havoc on my system. In addition to that, my dog will be out of heat, hopefully Ry & Howie won't be sick and I won't be getting my period. So I'm thinking next time might be a little easier. At least I hope so. And if it's not, I'll just keep repeating my new mantra, "the poison is working, the poison is working." ;)
By Tuesday I felt well enough to go to the park with Howie & Ryan but pretty much had to hang out under a tree and watch the entire time. I then came home and slept for 4 hours. Same thing on Wednesday. I kinda felt like I was getting over a bad flu. But by Wed night I felt better and managed to convince Howie to go back to work on Thursday since I had help from my mom and our neighbor Christina who watched Ry while I rested. On Friday I felt almost normal except I was still suffering from some bladder distress and cramping but by that night my appetite had returned and Howie and I actually got to go out to dinner while my mom watched Ryan. After subsisting on water, chicken soup (w/matzoh balls), rice, almonds, bananas and Honey Nut O's from Trader Joes, it was nice to eat some real food. It kinda felt like I was on my pregnancy diet again, the food had to be bland but pack a nutritional punch and I just had to pray that I'd be able to keep it down. My friend Sam made an interesting point...that I had a really crappy pregnancy but after those 9 mos, I/we got Ryan. After 6.5 mos of chemo, and another couple mos of radiation, I will get my life back. It was kind of an eye-opener for me when put in that perspective.
Speaking of eye-opening perspectives...I'm realizing this whole experience is a test and a lesson in tolerance. It's also testing my patience but on the plus side, I'm learning what my limitations are and learning to accept help. Not an easy thing when you are an utterly capable adult woman of the 21st century. As for all the help, I have been meaning to say something that has been on my mind and I just need you all to hear me out before dismissing it or chalking it up to "cancer." Here's the thing, I am utterly capable, I know that. You know that. But what you don't realize, or maybe you do, is how difficult it is for me to accept help. Being self-sufficient is extremely important to me. Raising my daughter the way Howie and I want is extremely important to us. When outside influences converge, it makes me feel somewhat out of control...not a feeling I'm familiar or comfortable with. Having said that, I need you to know that I KNOW we would not be able to fight this fight without all of your support, encouragement, meals, articles, comments, emails, cards, and general help. So while I want to be able to do it all myself, I can't and I know that but I feel somewhat ashamed that I haven't been able to thank you all individually for everything you have done, and you know who you are. I also feel like I have overlooked thanking some people and I feel like I'm losing not just my manners but my ability to express my sincere appreciation for the people in my life. I know I need to focus on myself right now and that my health is paramount but my family and my friends are what make my life worth living. So thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you all for being there for us. Thank you for the cards, the gifts, the emails, calls, articles sent, breast cancer walk involvement, encouragement, love and support. I could not do this without all of you and I know that. Thanks for helping me realize it. I love you all.
My last post was written the day after my first chemo was administered. I woke up that morning feeling really good, so good that I decided to get up before the sunrise (and before Howie & Ryan woke up), and take Jojo on a walk. While I was on my walk, I realized a few things...that I hadn't been able to take my dog on a walk for over a month, that I had been drugged for that entire time, and that it was Fall and soon to be October. It was kind of a wake-up call, and I realized that the pain meds haven't really been doing much for me other than making me feel really foggy and out of it. So I decided to stop taking them. The pain I'm still experiencing has to do with some minor fluid retention, and admittedly, the port still hurts some, but where it really hurts is in my muscles and nerves...the ones they had to cut through to get the breast tissue out. Their healing has been less than pleasant. I've been told by both my breast surgeon and the surgeon who installed the port that neither surgery should have been very painful, which always makes it worse when there is a lot of pain involved. It also makes me feel like I'm over-dramatizing everything, so yeah, a little resentment there. I also seem to have sustained some nerve damage in my right underarm (where the lymph nodes were removed) and though there is definitely still some pain, it's not nearly as intense as it was. I've been told that nerve pain usually gets better w/in a month or so or not at all. So I decided to live with the pain and see where that gets me. If I'm going to have pain no matter what, especially since the meds aren't working, what's the point of taking them?!? If the pain gets worse then there are other options; pain management clinics, higher dosages, etc., but we'll get to that only if we have to.
Anyhow, the Friday after chemo was the last day I felt really good. My oncologist says it was probably the steroids, time-released anti-nausea meds, and saline he gave me during the chemo injection. Well, those didn't last and on Sunday I woke up feeling like crap. I experienced the gauntlet of symptoms...everything from nausea, diarrhea, cramping, body aches and chills to simple, undeniable exhaustion. Oh, and I was due to get my period any day as well. Add to that the fact that Howie & Ryan both had bad colds, and that my dog was in heat and was driving us all a little crazy. Sunday was by far the worst day. Saturday hadn't been great, but it was tolerable. Monday was pretty crappy too but again, tolerable. I found that if I sat outside and/or rested in bed, I was ok. I couldn't focus to read or watch TV, I couldn't handle Ryan climbing on me, I definitely didn't want to eat and I couldn't talk on the phone and/or email. I just wanted to sit and breathe. One of those days I woke up angry. Angry at the gods/goddesses, angry at the timing, angry at cancer, and angry at the world. I haven't really had to "try" to be positive, I just kinda was by default and due to my nature, but I admit that if I hadn't had a good "break-down" session w/my mom and marathon phone sessions with Kath & Wendy, the anger might have swallowed me whole. I was frustrated at seeing Howie and Ryan struggle and not being able to help, I was frustrated over the timing of all this-not that there is ever a "convenient" time to get cancer but with a 2 yr old, puppy and a good life, I have been somewhat pissed off at the timing. So like me to get pissed off at the things I can't control! However, the silver lining is that by the next round of chemo, my doctor has a new pill to help bridge the gap between the time-released anti-nausea meds and when the chemo leaves my body and reeks havoc on my system. In addition to that, my dog will be out of heat, hopefully Ry & Howie won't be sick and I won't be getting my period. So I'm thinking next time might be a little easier. At least I hope so. And if it's not, I'll just keep repeating my new mantra, "the poison is working, the poison is working." ;)
By Tuesday I felt well enough to go to the park with Howie & Ryan but pretty much had to hang out under a tree and watch the entire time. I then came home and slept for 4 hours. Same thing on Wednesday. I kinda felt like I was getting over a bad flu. But by Wed night I felt better and managed to convince Howie to go back to work on Thursday since I had help from my mom and our neighbor Christina who watched Ry while I rested. On Friday I felt almost normal except I was still suffering from some bladder distress and cramping but by that night my appetite had returned and Howie and I actually got to go out to dinner while my mom watched Ryan. After subsisting on water, chicken soup (w/matzoh balls), rice, almonds, bananas and Honey Nut O's from Trader Joes, it was nice to eat some real food. It kinda felt like I was on my pregnancy diet again, the food had to be bland but pack a nutritional punch and I just had to pray that I'd be able to keep it down. My friend Sam made an interesting point...that I had a really crappy pregnancy but after those 9 mos, I/we got Ryan. After 6.5 mos of chemo, and another couple mos of radiation, I will get my life back. It was kind of an eye-opener for me when put in that perspective.
Speaking of eye-opening perspectives...I'm realizing this whole experience is a test and a lesson in tolerance. It's also testing my patience but on the plus side, I'm learning what my limitations are and learning to accept help. Not an easy thing when you are an utterly capable adult woman of the 21st century. As for all the help, I have been meaning to say something that has been on my mind and I just need you all to hear me out before dismissing it or chalking it up to "cancer." Here's the thing, I am utterly capable, I know that. You know that. But what you don't realize, or maybe you do, is how difficult it is for me to accept help. Being self-sufficient is extremely important to me. Raising my daughter the way Howie and I want is extremely important to us. When outside influences converge, it makes me feel somewhat out of control...not a feeling I'm familiar or comfortable with. Having said that, I need you to know that I KNOW we would not be able to fight this fight without all of your support, encouragement, meals, articles, comments, emails, cards, and general help. So while I want to be able to do it all myself, I can't and I know that but I feel somewhat ashamed that I haven't been able to thank you all individually for everything you have done, and you know who you are. I also feel like I have overlooked thanking some people and I feel like I'm losing not just my manners but my ability to express my sincere appreciation for the people in my life. I know I need to focus on myself right now and that my health is paramount but my family and my friends are what make my life worth living. So thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you all for being there for us. Thank you for the cards, the gifts, the emails, calls, articles sent, breast cancer walk involvement, encouragement, love and support. I could not do this without all of you and I know that. Thanks for helping me realize it. I love you all.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
1 down, 7 to go
It's official, the first round of chemo has been administered successfully. I feel pretty good all things considered. A little queasy and sweaty (it's hot here) but really, since I've been on so many pain meds for the fluid retention and surgical pain, it isn't fazing me too badly. I met a couple of really nice women in the treatment room, watched old videos of Ryan on our portable DVD player, and listened to the new Ali Farka Toure cd my excellent husband bought for me. We saw Dr. Yen before the treatment began so he could go over my finger stick/blood counts, examine me, and make sure I was fit to poison. He said I was good to go, so I sat in my lay-z-boy and took those toxic chemicals like a good girl. I know some of you might think that's terrible but dark humor is of great comfort to me-especially right now. Sometimes the only way I can maintain my positivity is by being a little caustic. It keeps me from biting everyone's heads off. And I have been told that you just get more irritable throughout treatment, especially since chemo usually throws you into early menopause, so I apologize in advance for any offenses.
Really though, positivity hasn't really been an issue for me. Sure I have my moments, but if you're reading this blog, you probably know me and realize I'm typically an optimistic and hopeful kind of girl. And I do have faith and believe that I am going to get through all this (after a dark and difficult road ;), but when I'm in pain, it's difficult to maintain any positivity. Having said that, it's been kind of a rough week. My port installation went fine but my shoulder was barking like a pack o' hounds. So badly that it sent me back to the surgeon to make sure nothing on the hardware of the port had migrated. If you want to see a picture of what a port looks like, go to this link:
http://www.bardaccess.com/port-arterial.php
So the doctor decided to perform an immediate ultrasound and then sent me across the street to the surgical center to get a chest xray. By the time I took the xray & walked back across the street to his office, the digital xrays were up on his computer monitor. So cool! Everything looked fine, I could see the port under the skin and the catheter that was threaded all they way through the vein, and after talking for a while about what I was doing for the pain, he determined I need to take more drugs...Go figure! The problem is that I'm a lightweight when it comes to pharmaceutical drugs so I tend to take less than the suggested dose. However, I'm learning that pain is a funny thing. If you stay on top of it, you can usually manage it better than if you let it go too long and try to "catch up" to it. So anyways, I was skipping my mid-day dose and was just kinda trying to ride on the coattail of my morning dose, and then taking one before bed. Apparently that wasn't such a good idea. I know now. They also say with chemo to take the anti-nausea meds even if I'm not feeling nauseous so any nausea can get nipped in the bud before it bothers me. The thing is, with the pain meds, it's hard for me to feel so out of it and foggy. I'm trying to feel as normal as possible, be Ryan's mom and Howie's wife on top of all this, and I feel like such a zombie when I'm on em. Having said that though, I realize I need to maybe meet them halfway on this one because when I'm in pain, I'm not myself. And if you're not yourself, you're really not there in the first place. So cliche, so sorry. So anyways, I'm going to try and be a good girl and take my medicine. And really, I saw the surgeon on Tuesday and the port feels significantly better yesterday and today. Well at least it did until they stuck a giant needle in to administer the chemo. But I am being prescribed a topical numbing medicine to help for next time, so I'm looking forward to that. As long as everything lines up and I don't have any adverse reactions, my blood counts look good, and I'm not sick, next time will be 3 Thursdays from today.
I'm off to rest and try take a pill. Thanks for reading and commenting and for being out there for me/us. My love follows you all.
Oh, be sure to check our our Puggle Jojo in her diaper & collar (which she only wears when she's inside and has free reign of the house). Poor girl, she's so over it! But then again, so are we!
Really though, positivity hasn't really been an issue for me. Sure I have my moments, but if you're reading this blog, you probably know me and realize I'm typically an optimistic and hopeful kind of girl. And I do have faith and believe that I am going to get through all this (after a dark and difficult road ;), but when I'm in pain, it's difficult to maintain any positivity. Having said that, it's been kind of a rough week. My port installation went fine but my shoulder was barking like a pack o' hounds. So badly that it sent me back to the surgeon to make sure nothing on the hardware of the port had migrated. If you want to see a picture of what a port looks like, go to this link:
http://www.bardaccess.com/port-arterial.php
So the doctor decided to perform an immediate ultrasound and then sent me across the street to the surgical center to get a chest xray. By the time I took the xray & walked back across the street to his office, the digital xrays were up on his computer monitor. So cool! Everything looked fine, I could see the port under the skin and the catheter that was threaded all they way through the vein, and after talking for a while about what I was doing for the pain, he determined I need to take more drugs...Go figure! The problem is that I'm a lightweight when it comes to pharmaceutical drugs so I tend to take less than the suggested dose. However, I'm learning that pain is a funny thing. If you stay on top of it, you can usually manage it better than if you let it go too long and try to "catch up" to it. So anyways, I was skipping my mid-day dose and was just kinda trying to ride on the coattail of my morning dose, and then taking one before bed. Apparently that wasn't such a good idea. I know now. They also say with chemo to take the anti-nausea meds even if I'm not feeling nauseous so any nausea can get nipped in the bud before it bothers me. The thing is, with the pain meds, it's hard for me to feel so out of it and foggy. I'm trying to feel as normal as possible, be Ryan's mom and Howie's wife on top of all this, and I feel like such a zombie when I'm on em. Having said that though, I realize I need to maybe meet them halfway on this one because when I'm in pain, I'm not myself. And if you're not yourself, you're really not there in the first place. So cliche, so sorry. So anyways, I'm going to try and be a good girl and take my medicine. And really, I saw the surgeon on Tuesday and the port feels significantly better yesterday and today. Well at least it did until they stuck a giant needle in to administer the chemo. But I am being prescribed a topical numbing medicine to help for next time, so I'm looking forward to that. As long as everything lines up and I don't have any adverse reactions, my blood counts look good, and I'm not sick, next time will be 3 Thursdays from today.
I'm off to rest and try take a pill. Thanks for reading and commenting and for being out there for me/us. My love follows you all.
Oh, be sure to check our our Puggle Jojo in her diaper & collar (which she only wears when she's inside and has free reign of the house). Poor girl, she's so over it! But then again, so are we!
Friday, September 19, 2008
The trick, it seems, is to surrender to the flow...
You know what they say about the best laid plans....
We spent the time since the previous post doing all those things we talked about last week. A deep cleaning at the dentist, an annual at the OBGYN (her ovaries look clean but her doc did recommend they be taken out when she does her reconstructive surgery), a chemo 101 class, and lots of other random errands. And then Deb cut her hair - check the photos to the left if you haven't already. She brought Ryan with so the new look wouldn't be a shock and everyone's happy with the results. New sassy short hair Deb. Ryan's running around telling anyone who'll listen, "mama. cut. hair. bye-bye hair."
If you didn't already know, our little girl turned 2 this past Saturday. Can you freakin believe she's 2? Neither can we. The birthday party was a blast. It's so much fun to celebrate with so many fun people. Great company, great food, great beverages. These 2-year old parties are setting the bar pretty high for next year ;) Plus, Papa K and Grandma were here to share the day.
So, this week's been admittedly hectic. Michele and Will arrived just in time for the party last Saturday and have been (thankfully) staying with us since. I'm really getting used to having extra sets of hands as well as good friends to share the occasional "down time". To be honest, Deb would not have been able to get everything she got done last week etc., w/out all the help we've been getting. Our support network here in town, and from the out-of-towners has absolutely made us feel the love.
Medically, here's what's happening...We went yesterday morning to get a port installed under Deb's left collarbone. This is for administering the chemo treatments without having to insert an IV for each treatment. Deb's got crappy veins so the port will help to not make her feel like such a pincushion. It's a fairly common procedure recommended for those who will be enduring any long-term chemotherapy. Anyways, we were being "inserted" into the surgeon's schedule so that we could make it across the street to Deb's first chemo treatment that same morning. We got there at 7:30am only to be told that they didn't have any paperwork on us and that we weren't on the surgery schedule. The surgeon felt horrible and assured us that this was the first time in 20 years his staff "forgot" to schedule a surgery. But, after a pretty minor delay we were admitted and began the pre-op stuff, and then Deb underwent the procedure under general anesthesia and came out the other side just fine. A little drugged, loopy, and out of it but fine. The Sutter Surgery and Maternity Center here in Santa Cruz seems like a top notch place. Really cool nurses. Also very clean and modern with a really friendly staff. 2 complaints to keep it real: no wi-fi and pretty lame cafe. I submitted a comment card about the wi-fi but let the cafe slide since I found $5 on the ground - I figured the sandwich was free anyway...
The port installation went well but we were unable to start chemo. Apparently Deb needs a baseline echocardiogram prior to starting chemo, but there was a misunderstanding/miscommunication and it didn't get done. Some of the meds Deb'll be getting have slight risk of heart issues, so they'll be monitoring that (among other things; blood counts, etc.) throughout the duration of the treatment. We met with Dr. Yen anyways and he was able to clear up a few questions of ours. He's just a really good guy, and absolutely takes the time to help us understand what's going on. He always listens and answers all of our questions with such patience. I also had a chance to meet Kendra, the chemo nurse, and both Deb and I are already very fond of her. A sweet, kind and friendly woman was my first impression. We're realizing that it takes a special brand of human being to work with cancer patients.
We've been fortunate during this time of unfortune with regards to our doctors and nurses. Rebekah, Dr. Chow and Dr. Wapnir up at Stanford were/are awesome. Our team down here is equally as comforting.
The plan as it stands is that Deb will have the echo on Monday afternoon and her first chemo treatment will be this upcoming Thursday. Deb's really sore from having the port installed and still has fluid building up in her chest, so she hasn't been online long enough to do more than post those few new photos here on the blog and edit this post; but she's doing well and is in good spirits - we're both just anxious to get going on this next step of treatment, if only to be beyond it sooner.
We're trying to go with the flow and not get hung up on stupid scheduling issues - like the scheduling mishap that happened with our dog JoJo. Due to another miscommunication (I swear it wasn't my fault), she went into heat the day before her appointment to be spayed. I'll have to post a photo of the puggle with her e-collar and diaper. Another bright side to a lame situation; both Jojo and Ryan wear the same size diaper; though Jojo's needs a hole cut for her tail ;-)
Besides that, life goes on. It's good to be together as a family and here at home in such a lovely place. There are just too many good things to dwell on those things that are less than good. So, we go with the flow. In the face of suckiness, we will prevail!
We spent the time since the previous post doing all those things we talked about last week. A deep cleaning at the dentist, an annual at the OBGYN (her ovaries look clean but her doc did recommend they be taken out when she does her reconstructive surgery), a chemo 101 class, and lots of other random errands. And then Deb cut her hair - check the photos to the left if you haven't already. She brought Ryan with so the new look wouldn't be a shock and everyone's happy with the results. New sassy short hair Deb. Ryan's running around telling anyone who'll listen, "mama. cut. hair. bye-bye hair."
If you didn't already know, our little girl turned 2 this past Saturday. Can you freakin believe she's 2? Neither can we. The birthday party was a blast. It's so much fun to celebrate with so many fun people. Great company, great food, great beverages. These 2-year old parties are setting the bar pretty high for next year ;) Plus, Papa K and Grandma were here to share the day.
So, this week's been admittedly hectic. Michele and Will arrived just in time for the party last Saturday and have been (thankfully) staying with us since. I'm really getting used to having extra sets of hands as well as good friends to share the occasional "down time". To be honest, Deb would not have been able to get everything she got done last week etc., w/out all the help we've been getting. Our support network here in town, and from the out-of-towners has absolutely made us feel the love.
Medically, here's what's happening...We went yesterday morning to get a port installed under Deb's left collarbone. This is for administering the chemo treatments without having to insert an IV for each treatment. Deb's got crappy veins so the port will help to not make her feel like such a pincushion. It's a fairly common procedure recommended for those who will be enduring any long-term chemotherapy. Anyways, we were being "inserted" into the surgeon's schedule so that we could make it across the street to Deb's first chemo treatment that same morning. We got there at 7:30am only to be told that they didn't have any paperwork on us and that we weren't on the surgery schedule. The surgeon felt horrible and assured us that this was the first time in 20 years his staff "forgot" to schedule a surgery. But, after a pretty minor delay we were admitted and began the pre-op stuff, and then Deb underwent the procedure under general anesthesia and came out the other side just fine. A little drugged, loopy, and out of it but fine. The Sutter Surgery and Maternity Center here in Santa Cruz seems like a top notch place. Really cool nurses. Also very clean and modern with a really friendly staff. 2 complaints to keep it real: no wi-fi and pretty lame cafe. I submitted a comment card about the wi-fi but let the cafe slide since I found $5 on the ground - I figured the sandwich was free anyway...
The port installation went well but we were unable to start chemo. Apparently Deb needs a baseline echocardiogram prior to starting chemo, but there was a misunderstanding/miscommunication and it didn't get done. Some of the meds Deb'll be getting have slight risk of heart issues, so they'll be monitoring that (among other things; blood counts, etc.) throughout the duration of the treatment. We met with Dr. Yen anyways and he was able to clear up a few questions of ours. He's just a really good guy, and absolutely takes the time to help us understand what's going on. He always listens and answers all of our questions with such patience. I also had a chance to meet Kendra, the chemo nurse, and both Deb and I are already very fond of her. A sweet, kind and friendly woman was my first impression. We're realizing that it takes a special brand of human being to work with cancer patients.
We've been fortunate during this time of unfortune with regards to our doctors and nurses. Rebekah, Dr. Chow and Dr. Wapnir up at Stanford were/are awesome. Our team down here is equally as comforting.
The plan as it stands is that Deb will have the echo on Monday afternoon and her first chemo treatment will be this upcoming Thursday. Deb's really sore from having the port installed and still has fluid building up in her chest, so she hasn't been online long enough to do more than post those few new photos here on the blog and edit this post; but she's doing well and is in good spirits - we're both just anxious to get going on this next step of treatment, if only to be beyond it sooner.
We're trying to go with the flow and not get hung up on stupid scheduling issues - like the scheduling mishap that happened with our dog JoJo. Due to another miscommunication (I swear it wasn't my fault), she went into heat the day before her appointment to be spayed. I'll have to post a photo of the puggle with her e-collar and diaper. Another bright side to a lame situation; both Jojo and Ryan wear the same size diaper; though Jojo's needs a hole cut for her tail ;-)
Besides that, life goes on. It's good to be together as a family and here at home in such a lovely place. There are just too many good things to dwell on those things that are less than good. So, we go with the flow. In the face of suckiness, we will prevail!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
High Risk but Not Complicated
Good day good people...
We are up at Stanford right now waiting to have some fluid drained. Yesterday we met with Oncologist, Dr. Yen, to discuss Deb's pathology and his proposed treatment.
Due to the size and rapid growth of Deb's tumor and the fact that lymph nodes are involved, the treatment, according to Dr. Yen, will be "tough, but tolerable". He wants to attack it aggressively and quickly. It looks like chemotherapy treatments will begin next Thursday. Deb will receive chemo treatments in 2 phases; every 3 weeks for 4 times for the first round and then another type of chemo 4 times every 3 weeks to be followed by hormone treatments. After chemo treatments will be Radiation. Needless to say, the treatments will likely last between 8 months and a year.
So, before treatment begins, we need to:
1. Take care of this ceroma (fluid build up). That'll get done today and is the reason I'm typing this at Stanford. After that, today we'll also be measured by "Vic" for a clinical study on Lymphodema, for which she's been measured once before. This is just arm measurements to detect potential Lymphodema early.
2. Install a port for the chemo treatment. We got a call this morning from a Dr. David Rose in Santa Cruz and we'll go meet him tomorrow afternoon at 4pm.
3. Haircut - so as to avoid large clumps of long hair falling out and for a (hopefully) easier visual transition for Ryan; who will go with Deb to see the hair being cut.
4. Manicure/Pedicure -- a girl's gotta pamper herself, right? No, seriously, it's a good idea to take care of this before treatments begin to avoid potential infection.
5. Dentist - again, due to the bacteria that's released during regular teeth cleanings, it's advised to do this prior to treatment.
Staring towards the future, knowing that there's a long, tough fight ahead of us is daunting, but we're anxious to begin if only to move past this and get back to the life we know and love. Dr. Yen makes no promises or guarantees, but is reassuring in his acknowledgement of Deb's determination and attitude. When he said that people like her are the reason he went into Oncology it made both of us a little more comfortable with a situation that is so far from comforting.
So that's the news that's fit to print right now. The way things are progressing and developing I'm sure there'll be more to tell soon, but for now, I think that's about it.
Grandma and Papa K should be "Working on a T-bone steak a la carte, Flying over to the golden state" (well, except for the T-bone steak part). We're hoping that we'll be able to make it home before they do, but with the length of our wait here (so far), they might beat us back there. Either way, it'll be really nice to spend some time with them and get to watch them discover their grand-daughter's personality more in person.
Nothing like "waiting" in a "waiting room". Good thing for wi-fi, cell phones, trashy magazines and coffee :)
Thanks again to you all for the tremendous amount of support and food and good vibes - it all contributes to this palpable amount of love that we're feeling and soaking up. You are all incredible people and we value you so much more than words in a blog can communicate.
~Howie
We are up at Stanford right now waiting to have some fluid drained. Yesterday we met with Oncologist, Dr. Yen, to discuss Deb's pathology and his proposed treatment.
Due to the size and rapid growth of Deb's tumor and the fact that lymph nodes are involved, the treatment, according to Dr. Yen, will be "tough, but tolerable". He wants to attack it aggressively and quickly. It looks like chemotherapy treatments will begin next Thursday. Deb will receive chemo treatments in 2 phases; every 3 weeks for 4 times for the first round and then another type of chemo 4 times every 3 weeks to be followed by hormone treatments. After chemo treatments will be Radiation. Needless to say, the treatments will likely last between 8 months and a year.
So, before treatment begins, we need to:
1. Take care of this ceroma (fluid build up). That'll get done today and is the reason I'm typing this at Stanford. After that, today we'll also be measured by "Vic" for a clinical study on Lymphodema, for which she's been measured once before. This is just arm measurements to detect potential Lymphodema early.
2. Install a port for the chemo treatment. We got a call this morning from a Dr. David Rose in Santa Cruz and we'll go meet him tomorrow afternoon at 4pm.
3. Haircut - so as to avoid large clumps of long hair falling out and for a (hopefully) easier visual transition for Ryan; who will go with Deb to see the hair being cut.
4. Manicure/Pedicure -- a girl's gotta pamper herself, right? No, seriously, it's a good idea to take care of this before treatments begin to avoid potential infection.
5. Dentist - again, due to the bacteria that's released during regular teeth cleanings, it's advised to do this prior to treatment.
Staring towards the future, knowing that there's a long, tough fight ahead of us is daunting, but we're anxious to begin if only to move past this and get back to the life we know and love. Dr. Yen makes no promises or guarantees, but is reassuring in his acknowledgement of Deb's determination and attitude. When he said that people like her are the reason he went into Oncology it made both of us a little more comfortable with a situation that is so far from comforting.
So that's the news that's fit to print right now. The way things are progressing and developing I'm sure there'll be more to tell soon, but for now, I think that's about it.
Grandma and Papa K should be "Working on a T-bone steak a la carte, Flying over to the golden state" (well, except for the T-bone steak part). We're hoping that we'll be able to make it home before they do, but with the length of our wait here (so far), they might beat us back there. Either way, it'll be really nice to spend some time with them and get to watch them discover their grand-daughter's personality more in person.
Nothing like "waiting" in a "waiting room". Good thing for wi-fi, cell phones, trashy magazines and coffee :)
Thanks again to you all for the tremendous amount of support and food and good vibes - it all contributes to this palpable amount of love that we're feeling and soaking up. You are all incredible people and we value you so much more than words in a blog can communicate.
~Howie
Saturday, September 6, 2008
What's up with those Finfers?
First and foremost...apologies for not updating this earlier.
Second and nextmost...here's how it looks from here:
We went up to Stanford this past Thursday, September 4th.
Dr. Wapnir, who performed Deb's surgery went on vacation, so we were meeting with her "fellow," Dr. Chow, (who also helped perform the surgery) - who both Deb and I totally dig. Very easy to talk with, which is always a benefit for anyone in the medical profession, let alone a surgeon. Dr. Chow said Deb is healing well and removed her drains. This news came with great relief, until she actually removed the 1st drain. In Deb's words, if she didn't like her (Dr. Chow) so much, she would have hit her. Fortunately, the remaining 2 drains were removed without incident as well. That should alleviate some of Deb's discomfort...
So, now that that was taken care of, on to how Deb's doing in general. That discussion resulted in a slight tweak of the meds Deb's been prescribed and we're hoping that the Percocet treats her better than the Vicodin. Deb is also very fond of the valium. ;)
Next was the initial pathology from the surgery. The finalized version should hopefully be completed in time for our Wednesday visit with Dr. Yen (Oncologist, in Santa Cruz). The tumor was bigger than anyone hoped or expected (except for Deb, who hit it spot on from our first appointments when asked how big she thought it was)anyhow, the tumor came in at 5 1/2 cm. 24 total lymph nodes were removed from her right armpit. Of those, 5 showed cancerous symptoms. We knew of 2 on the day of the surgery, and all that I'm reading tells me that your course of treatment will be the same if even a single node was found to have the characteristics. The thing is, once cancer is found in lymph nodes, the next question that gets asked is, "where did it go from there?" and that's the real question. Dr. Yen will help us try to find that answer. So we're looking at more tests, scans, and the usual annoying path to discovery on these types of things. The course of treatment is also still to be determined, but after speaking with the surgeon and nurses at Stanford, and speaking with Dr. Yen on the phone yesterday afternoon, in addition to the series of scans to see if we can't figure out where, if anywhere, this cancer has spread, a course of chemotherapy will be followed by radiation. Treatment can't begin until Deb's healed from the surgery (which takes about 4 weeks on average or 3 weeks from now +/-). That's the end of September if my counting is right.
So that's about what we know now. Next, as I mentioned, will be to meet with Dr. Yen on Wednesday to go over the full pathology report and begin developing our plan to get Deb healthy again.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch....
Wendy went back to Eureka and it was kind of scary to watch her go. We SO SO SO appreciate that she put her life on hold to come and help with ours. Grateful doesn't quite sum it up.
Mike has been stepping into the role of "toddler caretaker" very gracefully. Ryan has what seems to be a crush on Mike. In fact, after Mike helped me get Ryan into the bath the other night and left just Ryan blurted out "Love Mike". I swear it was the first time I've ever heard her use the "L" word. She's signed it before, but the first verbal use was directed towards him. Gotta love that.
The food continues to roll in. Have I mentioned the food? Personally, and familially speaking, we're just blown away by people's generosity. I could individually list, but you all know who you are and how you have such special delicious places in our hearts.
But, the question on all of our minds, "How's Deb?"...here's my take on "how Deb is":
Deb's fine. She's sore and in some discomfort and on meds still (they make her high) and tired after she does stuff, but she's Deb. She's in good spirits and just trying to gain some sense of normalcy given how abnormal everything has been around her and around here. Basically, it sucks. Cancer sucks. We're just going day by day, trying to have as much fun as possible, which is very real and very normal for people like us.
So you all know, Deb really wanted to write this herself and will read every word of this before you do and I know she just really wants everyone to know how much she appreciates each and every one of you. Your love, support, generosity, friendship and willingness to listen mean so much to her, Ryan and me.
In our continued effort to stay distracted and busy, we'll be hosting Granmda and Papa K starting Thursday and I can't wait for them to hear Ry belt out "Pop K" -- pretty cute stuff. On Saturday the 13th we'll all be here to celebrate Ryan's 2 year birthday and we can't wait!
That's about it for now.
With much love from Sunny (and hot) Santa Cruz,
Howie (& Deb)
Second and nextmost...here's how it looks from here:
We went up to Stanford this past Thursday, September 4th.
Dr. Wapnir, who performed Deb's surgery went on vacation, so we were meeting with her "fellow," Dr. Chow, (who also helped perform the surgery) - who both Deb and I totally dig. Very easy to talk with, which is always a benefit for anyone in the medical profession, let alone a surgeon. Dr. Chow said Deb is healing well and removed her drains. This news came with great relief, until she actually removed the 1st drain. In Deb's words, if she didn't like her (Dr. Chow) so much, she would have hit her. Fortunately, the remaining 2 drains were removed without incident as well. That should alleviate some of Deb's discomfort...
So, now that that was taken care of, on to how Deb's doing in general. That discussion resulted in a slight tweak of the meds Deb's been prescribed and we're hoping that the Percocet treats her better than the Vicodin. Deb is also very fond of the valium. ;)
Next was the initial pathology from the surgery. The finalized version should hopefully be completed in time for our Wednesday visit with Dr. Yen (Oncologist, in Santa Cruz). The tumor was bigger than anyone hoped or expected (except for Deb, who hit it spot on from our first appointments when asked how big she thought it was)anyhow, the tumor came in at 5 1/2 cm. 24 total lymph nodes were removed from her right armpit. Of those, 5 showed cancerous symptoms. We knew of 2 on the day of the surgery, and all that I'm reading tells me that your course of treatment will be the same if even a single node was found to have the characteristics. The thing is, once cancer is found in lymph nodes, the next question that gets asked is, "where did it go from there?" and that's the real question. Dr. Yen will help us try to find that answer. So we're looking at more tests, scans, and the usual annoying path to discovery on these types of things. The course of treatment is also still to be determined, but after speaking with the surgeon and nurses at Stanford, and speaking with Dr. Yen on the phone yesterday afternoon, in addition to the series of scans to see if we can't figure out where, if anywhere, this cancer has spread, a course of chemotherapy will be followed by radiation. Treatment can't begin until Deb's healed from the surgery (which takes about 4 weeks on average or 3 weeks from now +/-). That's the end of September if my counting is right.
So that's about what we know now. Next, as I mentioned, will be to meet with Dr. Yen on Wednesday to go over the full pathology report and begin developing our plan to get Deb healthy again.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch....
Wendy went back to Eureka and it was kind of scary to watch her go. We SO SO SO appreciate that she put her life on hold to come and help with ours. Grateful doesn't quite sum it up.
Mike has been stepping into the role of "toddler caretaker" very gracefully. Ryan has what seems to be a crush on Mike. In fact, after Mike helped me get Ryan into the bath the other night and left just Ryan blurted out "Love Mike". I swear it was the first time I've ever heard her use the "L" word. She's signed it before, but the first verbal use was directed towards him. Gotta love that.
The food continues to roll in. Have I mentioned the food? Personally, and familially speaking, we're just blown away by people's generosity. I could individually list, but you all know who you are and how you have such special delicious places in our hearts.
But, the question on all of our minds, "How's Deb?"...here's my take on "how Deb is":
Deb's fine. She's sore and in some discomfort and on meds still (they make her high) and tired after she does stuff, but she's Deb. She's in good spirits and just trying to gain some sense of normalcy given how abnormal everything has been around her and around here. Basically, it sucks. Cancer sucks. We're just going day by day, trying to have as much fun as possible, which is very real and very normal for people like us.
So you all know, Deb really wanted to write this herself and will read every word of this before you do and I know she just really wants everyone to know how much she appreciates each and every one of you. Your love, support, generosity, friendship and willingness to listen mean so much to her, Ryan and me.
In our continued effort to stay distracted and busy, we'll be hosting Granmda and Papa K starting Thursday and I can't wait for them to hear Ry belt out "Pop K" -- pretty cute stuff. On Saturday the 13th we'll all be here to celebrate Ryan's 2 year birthday and we can't wait!
That's about it for now.
With much love from Sunny (and hot) Santa Cruz,
Howie (& Deb)
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Post-Op appt scheduled for tomorrow...
Hey All,
Apparently, in my drug-induced haze, I was incorrect about my post-op appointment being today. It is in fact tomorrow (Thurs) at 10am. I believe, in addition to receiving the pathology results, I am hopeful my drains will also be removed. At least I hope so. Just wanted to let you know.
Love You All,
Deb
Apparently, in my drug-induced haze, I was incorrect about my post-op appointment being today. It is in fact tomorrow (Thurs) at 10am. I believe, in addition to receiving the pathology results, I am hopeful my drains will also be removed. At least I hope so. Just wanted to let you know.
Love You All,
Deb
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Tuesday AM Update...
I'm sorry it's taken me so long to post again. Recovery has been exhausting,a bit painful, and I've been heavily drugged for the past several days. Not all bad but needless to say, I've been a bit foggy so I haven't been spending much time on the computer. Plus, when you've got 3 drains sticking out of your chest, holding your arms out to type ain't all that comfortable.
Mentally I'm great. From the moment I woke up in the operating room and fully woke up in the recovery room I was smiling and touching (or really more like petting) people and thanking them for waking me up. I was just thrilled to have made it through the surgery. And I didn't think I was all that nervous to be going under but apparently my subconscious was reacting differently.
Emotionally I'm doing pretty well too. It's a weird thing to see giant divots or gaps in your chest where your breasts used to be but then again, I kinda knew what to expect having seen my mom after her mastectomies. I feel a lot worse for Howie and Ryan because let's face it, my body is drastically different and it's shocking to say the least.
Physically I'm getting better and less sore every day. The drugs help. I'm finding that I need to stay on top of them, especially the Valium (muscle relaxer) so that I'm not holding myself so tense. The Vicodin just kinda puts me in a perma-fog but that's ok too since I'm a happy foggy-drugged-girl. I'm a bit swollen and the drains kinda hurt but Wendy and I are getting pretty good at dressing changes, and we don't believe any of my incision and/or drain entries are infected. I have a post-op follow-up visit tomorrow.
The hardest part about all this has been how difficult it has been on Howie and Ryan. Ryan wants me to pick her up, and I'm just not physically able to do that, so that's been really hard on us both. Luckily we are well versed in the art of toddler distraction and I've been able (most of the time anyways) to just take her by the hand and lead her over to the couch, which she can climb up herself, and hold her up there. As for Howie, well, he wants to be able to do everything for me and be in 6 places at once...holding my hand, playing with Ryan, working, cooking, cleaning, folding the laundry, paying the bills etc., but there is only so much he can do and only so many places he can be at one time. Thank goodness for Wendy(a.k.a. Woo) stepping in. She honestly has been a godsend. There are only so many people you can ask to put their lives on hold for you and she has stepped up BIG-TIME. Plus, Ryan adores her. I don't know what we would have done w/o her.
It's been really hard not sleeping with Ryan. We've thrown so much at her these last few weeks and honestly, not only was I not ready to wean Ryan, I also wasn't ready to stop sleeping with her. We're a co-sleeping family but with the surgery, I couldn't risk having her flop onto my chest in the middle of the night so we've had to move her to another room. She's less than thrilled to say the least, and has been getting up extra early to rub it in. She is, for the most part, sleeping through the night but still getting up in the 5'o'clock hour so I'm not sure that counts. She's also more easily frustrated but that could be due to the fact that she's almost 2.
So, many of you have been asking what's next? Well, we're wondering the same thing. At this point we're hung up on the pathology. We have to wait to find out whether or not they got it all, and if not, how and when do we find out where else is has spread? Let's say they did get it all, well, then we'll need to figure out what further treatment I'll need. Given that the cancer did spread past the tumor, it's likely I'll need some chemo and possibly some radiation as well. If the cancer has spread past the lymph nodes, then we need to go look for it via cat scans, blood tests and more crappy doctor visits. So keep your fingers (and maybe some toes) crossed that they got it all. On the whole, I still feel good and positive and ready to take whatever comes next. I'm still not ready to leave my life and/or all of you. I want more time and more love and more life.
I also just need to say a G I A N T thank you to all my friends who have been dropping meals off for us. I can't tell you what a huge relief it is to not have to think about cooking and/or feeding my family right now. You all have gone above and beyond and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
So that's it for now. I'm going to go get dressed and go to the park with my daughter (and Wendy) and resume some semblance of a normal life. But if you think about it, while none of this is "normal," 1 in 8 women face this disease (and treatment) so I really do appreciate the fact that I am not alone in this. That and knowing all of you are out there and pulling for me. And I know I've said it before but it needs to be said again; I've never felt more loved or more supported. So thank you for reading this, for being there, and for all your love and support.
Love,
Deb
Mentally I'm great. From the moment I woke up in the operating room and fully woke up in the recovery room I was smiling and touching (or really more like petting) people and thanking them for waking me up. I was just thrilled to have made it through the surgery. And I didn't think I was all that nervous to be going under but apparently my subconscious was reacting differently.
Emotionally I'm doing pretty well too. It's a weird thing to see giant divots or gaps in your chest where your breasts used to be but then again, I kinda knew what to expect having seen my mom after her mastectomies. I feel a lot worse for Howie and Ryan because let's face it, my body is drastically different and it's shocking to say the least.
Physically I'm getting better and less sore every day. The drugs help. I'm finding that I need to stay on top of them, especially the Valium (muscle relaxer) so that I'm not holding myself so tense. The Vicodin just kinda puts me in a perma-fog but that's ok too since I'm a happy foggy-drugged-girl. I'm a bit swollen and the drains kinda hurt but Wendy and I are getting pretty good at dressing changes, and we don't believe any of my incision and/or drain entries are infected. I have a post-op follow-up visit tomorrow.
The hardest part about all this has been how difficult it has been on Howie and Ryan. Ryan wants me to pick her up, and I'm just not physically able to do that, so that's been really hard on us both. Luckily we are well versed in the art of toddler distraction and I've been able (most of the time anyways) to just take her by the hand and lead her over to the couch, which she can climb up herself, and hold her up there. As for Howie, well, he wants to be able to do everything for me and be in 6 places at once...holding my hand, playing with Ryan, working, cooking, cleaning, folding the laundry, paying the bills etc., but there is only so much he can do and only so many places he can be at one time. Thank goodness for Wendy(a.k.a. Woo) stepping in. She honestly has been a godsend. There are only so many people you can ask to put their lives on hold for you and she has stepped up BIG-TIME. Plus, Ryan adores her. I don't know what we would have done w/o her.
It's been really hard not sleeping with Ryan. We've thrown so much at her these last few weeks and honestly, not only was I not ready to wean Ryan, I also wasn't ready to stop sleeping with her. We're a co-sleeping family but with the surgery, I couldn't risk having her flop onto my chest in the middle of the night so we've had to move her to another room. She's less than thrilled to say the least, and has been getting up extra early to rub it in. She is, for the most part, sleeping through the night but still getting up in the 5'o'clock hour so I'm not sure that counts. She's also more easily frustrated but that could be due to the fact that she's almost 2.
So, many of you have been asking what's next? Well, we're wondering the same thing. At this point we're hung up on the pathology. We have to wait to find out whether or not they got it all, and if not, how and when do we find out where else is has spread? Let's say they did get it all, well, then we'll need to figure out what further treatment I'll need. Given that the cancer did spread past the tumor, it's likely I'll need some chemo and possibly some radiation as well. If the cancer has spread past the lymph nodes, then we need to go look for it via cat scans, blood tests and more crappy doctor visits. So keep your fingers (and maybe some toes) crossed that they got it all. On the whole, I still feel good and positive and ready to take whatever comes next. I'm still not ready to leave my life and/or all of you. I want more time and more love and more life.
I also just need to say a G I A N T thank you to all my friends who have been dropping meals off for us. I can't tell you what a huge relief it is to not have to think about cooking and/or feeding my family right now. You all have gone above and beyond and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
So that's it for now. I'm going to go get dressed and go to the park with my daughter (and Wendy) and resume some semblance of a normal life. But if you think about it, while none of this is "normal," 1 in 8 women face this disease (and treatment) so I really do appreciate the fact that I am not alone in this. That and knowing all of you are out there and pulling for me. And I know I've said it before but it needs to be said again; I've never felt more loved or more supported. So thank you for reading this, for being there, and for all your love and support.
Love,
Deb
Friday, August 29, 2008
Good To Be Home...
Hey All,
Just wanted to let you all know that I'm home and feeling pretty ok. They let me go last night and I can't begin to tell you how good it felt to walk in my front door. Well, you can probably imagine. Anyhow, I'm pretty sore and out of it due to all the pain meds, but I wanted to let you all know that your support has been so incredibly empowering and I am sending giant virtual Deb hugs to you all. Thank you for everything. I'll post more when I have my wits back about me.
Love,
Deb
Just wanted to let you all know that I'm home and feeling pretty ok. They let me go last night and I can't begin to tell you how good it felt to walk in my front door. Well, you can probably imagine. Anyhow, I'm pretty sore and out of it due to all the pain meds, but I wanted to let you all know that your support has been so incredibly empowering and I am sending giant virtual Deb hugs to you all. Thank you for everything. I'll post more when I have my wits back about me.
Love,
Deb
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Going Home
Good day today.
Ryan brought Mike & Wendy to visit and it was great for us all to spend some time together.
Ry totally sat between Deb's legs and just hung out for a while. Then I took her (Ry) down to see this cool model train set they have at the children's hospital. Cool train, sad place. Kids and hospitals just don't "go" together...
When we came back upstairs here Deb was in the hall walking with Mike, Wendy and Rebekah (cool nurse from previous post). Saw Dr. Chow who gave us some prescriptions :-) and then as we were say bye-byes to our visitors, Dr. Wapnir (surgeon) came in. She was very pleased with Deb's progress and said she can go home whenever she's ready.
Bye-bye morphine, hello oral vicodin. If that transition goes smoothly (an hour+ in and all is well -- no pain) then we're free to go. Woo hoo. Not that a hospital bed or 2 chairs pushed together is that bad, but to be home with Ryan in our own bed surrounded by our own stuff....that's what it's all about now. So, we'll see how the next few hours go and then head back to Santa Cruz. And we're both glad about that.
Good day from Stanford,
Howie
Ryan brought Mike & Wendy to visit and it was great for us all to spend some time together.
Ry totally sat between Deb's legs and just hung out for a while. Then I took her (Ry) down to see this cool model train set they have at the children's hospital. Cool train, sad place. Kids and hospitals just don't "go" together...
When we came back upstairs here Deb was in the hall walking with Mike, Wendy and Rebekah (cool nurse from previous post). Saw Dr. Chow who gave us some prescriptions :-) and then as we were say bye-byes to our visitors, Dr. Wapnir (surgeon) came in. She was very pleased with Deb's progress and said she can go home whenever she's ready.
Bye-bye morphine, hello oral vicodin. If that transition goes smoothly (an hour+ in and all is well -- no pain) then we're free to go. Woo hoo. Not that a hospital bed or 2 chairs pushed together is that bad, but to be home with Ryan in our own bed surrounded by our own stuff....that's what it's all about now. So, we'll see how the next few hours go and then head back to Santa Cruz. And we're both glad about that.
Good day from Stanford,
Howie
Update - Thursday, 8/28
Hi all,
Just a quick note to let you know we haven't forgotten about you all...as if..
Deb's doing well; she's impressing everyone (except me, since I expect to be impressed).
She got her catheter out last night (nice) and had her IV taken out of her hand due to pain and our awesome surgeon's nurse Rebekah came in and took care of business; getting the IV done, have the morphine drip added and getting some other prescriptions taken care of. And then we found out she was a Cubs fan to boot...Seriously though, she's been really helpful throughout this all; up to and including a visit this morning.
What else? We've gone for a few walks last night and this morning; just around the floor here, but I can tell it's good for Deb to be up and moving. And then she gets back into bed and rests more. Normally it's not like Deb to fall right asleep but thankfully she's been drifting in and out sleep with relative ease. Thank you hard-core-pharmaceuiticals :-)
Ryan and Wendy are coming up to visit; last night was Ryan's first night EVER away from mommy and dada and while she was sad at times according to Wendy, they made it through the night and I know Deb is very excited to see her. (so am I).
Deb wanted to write & talk on the phone but she's still got to rest. She thanks and loves you all very much.
That's where we're at.
Thanks, Love and GoodVibes flowing from E331B
Just a quick note to let you know we haven't forgotten about you all...as if..
Deb's doing well; she's impressing everyone (except me, since I expect to be impressed).
She got her catheter out last night (nice) and had her IV taken out of her hand due to pain and our awesome surgeon's nurse Rebekah came in and took care of business; getting the IV done, have the morphine drip added and getting some other prescriptions taken care of. And then we found out she was a Cubs fan to boot...Seriously though, she's been really helpful throughout this all; up to and including a visit this morning.
What else? We've gone for a few walks last night and this morning; just around the floor here, but I can tell it's good for Deb to be up and moving. And then she gets back into bed and rests more. Normally it's not like Deb to fall right asleep but thankfully she's been drifting in and out sleep with relative ease. Thank you hard-core-pharmaceuiticals :-)
Ryan and Wendy are coming up to visit; last night was Ryan's first night EVER away from mommy and dada and while she was sad at times according to Wendy, they made it through the night and I know Deb is very excited to see her. (so am I).
Deb wanted to write & talk on the phone but she's still got to rest. She thanks and loves you all very much.
That's where we're at.
Thanks, Love and GoodVibes flowing from E331B
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